Downward Goat: Co-dePETdency

downward goat
I mean just look at that goat! Your emotional dependence has turned him into a depressed backpotato. He’s dying inside.

Well, it’s finally happened. We’ve created such a homo-sapien centric stress-ball of a world that we are forced to rely on our domesticated animals for comfort, relaxation, and emotional support. You can’t walk through an airport without seeing a long line of fragile needy humans lined up for some petting time with therapy dogs. It’s the ultimate in psychic subjugation and cross-species emotional slavery. If you can’t handle the twisted mess that is your life, DON’T FOIST IT ON YOUR DOG, and definitely DON’T DO YOGA WITH YOUR GOAT! Thankfully, there are some sane actors in the midst of this madness. A major airline drew the line on some hipster performance artist’s comfort peacock. Unfortunately, the bizarre cruelty had already emotionally scared the beautiful bird because the crybaby milk-toast human had named him “Dexter.” We’ve even anthropomorphized actual llamas to the extend that they have developed “berserk llama syndrome.”  We can’t make this stuff up, folks.  Look, just because your goldfish “Francis” doesn’t literally commit seppuku every time you come home from work sobbing over a mediocre performance review, it doesn’t mean she isn’t crying. Remember, you’ve entrapped her in a watery prison as your unpaid therapy-fish, and you can’t see her tears.

The 2018 Grammy for Best Picture is literally about a loner human falling in love with a fish person.

HOWTOHAWT:  So, the next time your flatmate, Selene, flops down on the couch mournfully sobbing and begins to unload on “Fonzie” the house Chi-Poo about her traumatic shift at the Juicery, you must act quickly. Go get Theo’s tweed blazer (the one with elbow patches) and field notes. Purposely stride into the living room, grab the moist-eyed pup and sit him firmly on the ottoman. Sit in the armchair, and, opening the notepad, posit “soooo, Herr Fonzie,  let’s begin with some word association.”

You’ve already trained him in advance to bark annoyingly with vegan dog treats when he hears the words “mother” and “pain.” You’ve also trained him to whimper when you dip your fountain pen in some ink, and to lay down and cover his head with his totally cute paws when you pull off your tiny circle specs while stroking your goatee and saying “I see.” Selene will be so stunned and humiliated that she’ll flee to her room and curl up in her hammock in embarrassed silence where she belongs. You can confidently know that you’ve saved the dog, this time.

Sigmund Freud was onto something when he said “time spent with cats is never wasted.” Not because it’s good for the wimpy humans, he was looking out for the cats! Cats are clearly immune to human attempts to use them as an emo-soak. They just don’t care. Cats have been ignoring our problems and still getting fed since the pharaohs. So human-up and either get a grip, or get a cat.


Boxing Up: Delivered Kits

It’s couch time, you’re latest shipment from has arrived. If you’re keeping Leo for more than 24 hours don’t forget to him.

Finally the ultimate hipster / hawtster activity symbolizing engaged detachment has arrived, boxed kit deliveries. No more muss, no more fuss, no more annoying shopping and the tedious lists that are never ever completely emptied. You’ve already let hunting (unless it’s online for birthday party themes) fall into the dim mists of the past, now it’s time to sever the stone chains of gathering go too! Not limited to meal-kits, the pre-packaged and drone-delivered revolution now extends to full spectrum living. From birth to death, the pesky need to go to a store is a thing of the past.

HOWTOHAWT: The eternal “what next” problem still remains, after you’ve sufficiently impressed the neo-brutalists in your Thursday architecture discussion group with your awesome package opening and burner turning-on skills, there’s still that icky issue of what to to with the grimy and germ infested flat, sharp and pointy things you used to do the chef-ing. Out of elbow grease? Don’t have a sink? No Problem! If you haven’t already crushed or repurposed the box, you’re golden. Just toss that dirty dinner detritus in there, print a shipping label (use the printer at work because you don’t have one) and return it to the mysterious oblivion from whence it came. “But wait!” You assert, “what am I to do these uneaten vinegar roasted broccoli florets and artisanal baguette crusts?” Not to worry (btw – your flatmate, Theo, is really concerned about all your worrying)! With one click,, sends your unused food to a thin and hungered person of your choosing. That’s right, you even get a poor person profile and starvation dashboard so you can see the real impact your left-overs making in the world. How about that, just by not giving into the capitalist “market” economy and having everything shipped, pre-prepared, in boxes to your front door.  Now, #THATSHAWT!

Rising HAWT: Trump, The Real Steampunk

Trump aint cosplaying around!

With his triumphant rejection of a unified global response to climate change (#fakescience) and his affirmation of the need for a return to coal, President Donald J. Trump outs himself as the REAL steampunk. From Babbage’s brass gear computing to coal fired forestry robots the days of steampunk as a mere hobby for overpaid millennial IT workers are OVER,  the coal fires are here, they’re HAWT and they’re MAINSTEAM.


Alright, we aren’t suggesting that you begin construction on a gigantic steam-powered tarantula ala the seminal steampunk opus “Wild, Wild, West.”  What we are suggesting is that you demonstrate acceptance and tolerance for the ways of our new leader in quizzingly and impressional ways.  Rig a tiny furnace to your desk fan and lazily toss a lump of the classic combustible strata in.  Stoke the fire with a miniature bellows while looking over your shoulder at the morning meeting with the Bob’s. When the office Greenparty Action lunch clutch starts up, stand all “il duche” over them and sharpen a few #2’s with your steam powered pencil sharpener. A subtle cough to simultaneously simulate black lung AND communicate your disapproval of the Paris accord will add the proper emphasis.  If you really want to wow them (you do), tote around a dead canary in a cage (#deadcanary).  That will make them think.

Winding Down: Fidget Spinners

Your fingers have been appropriated, and so has your brain!

The next time Theo plops down at the marketing meeting, shifting around annoyingly in his swedish productivity stool, and whips out some odd piece of plastic to idly flip around in his hand, you have our full permission to reach across and pebble grab that thing. The fidget spinner is HAWTNOT!  Hell, even Gloria the apple lady at the farmers market has one. Okay, okay … we all know that some people have difficulty keeping focused and that there are clinical diagnoses which define the issue but that’s no right to infect the rest of the office with your distraction devices.

HOW2NOTHAWT: If reaching across a table and grabbing your co-worker’s self-prescribed ADHD accommodation is too much personal space invading for you, here’s the perfect next level response. Butterfly Knives!

Becoming a butterfly knife master is Napoleon Dynamite level hawt and a most envied skill for every Hawtster. Oh, there will be cuts during your training and there will be blood. But … there will be ultimate satisfaction when you whip out your dragon/monarch engraved Philippine razor sharp blades and, in a blurred flurry of steel and panache, turn the social media analytics report printouts into a cloud of confetti (they were trending down anyway). “Sorry, I was losing focus,” you can coolly claim as you glare at Theo and his asinine brightly colored toy.  The video below should get you started, you’ll need to bring your own soundtrack to the meeting.

Only Lefting: Put your Prius where your Politics are!

Send a message, never turn right!

Hey SJW, your mouse is bloodied from fighting the good fight replying ad nauseam to your paleolibertarian friend’s posts on the facebooks, Your solar powered fridge is full of nongmo kale pudding and microbio happy eggs and you’ve tried to give Ann Coulter a hug … but you still want more! You want to push the boundaries of your #resist -ance beyond the breaking point! We’re here to help! After reading about the fasco-corporatists of UPS only turning right, it’s has become obvious that the #HWTNXT protest move is to ONLY TURN LEFT! 

HOW2HAWT: Yes, that’s right, Only make left turns at every intersection. After extensive actual experience, the #HWTNXT science team has determined that 3 left turns will achieve the same result as 1 right turn, well worth the extra gas and lopsided wear on your econo-car’s suspension and tires. Imagine the message this will send to the authoritarian police state (traffic department) when hordes of tiny fuel efficient cars, bikes and yes even pedestrians hold fast and only make left turns. Fight the power and fill their CCTV’s with an extend blur of lefties turning left!

Think about it this way, two wrongs DON’T make a right, but 3 lefts do!

Sweaty HAWT: AlwaysRunning

Running has always been big. We used to do it because we had to but now we do it because we can. That is unless, of course, you are part of the  “Always Running” elite.

Like …

Anna Young, who didn’t skip a beat or, let a half marathon get in the way of her lactation cycle. Reported in many places, she breast pumped while running and also maximized social exposure with the hashtag #normalizebreastfeeding. HWTNXT absolutely endorses a mother’s right to safely practice mothering how she sees fit and to do so while running is an amazing example of AlwaysRunning.

Also in the AlwaysRunning hall of fame are the Italian Bersaglieri regiments.

These guys and gals of the Italian military are famed for being elite mountain marksmen AND running ALL THE TIME .. to include playing brass instruments.

Now, I know it may be a bit difficult to take the Italian military seriously but there’s something pretty fricking audacious about trotting and playing a trumpet while wearing a hat displaying a plume of black capercaillie feathers.

Of course, the top of the AlwaysRunning heap are not even human and have inspired the Green Wheel. Anyone who works out in a modern gym is used to tracking their physical output in amps, or electrical output, now some Lebanese guy wants to trap that. In something that has Matrix like overtones, he envisions human hamster wheels where AlwaysRunning is converted into an  alternative electrical energy source.

HOW2HAWT:  Ok, AlwaysRunning means always be running! But, unless you are Forrest Gump this is not possible. What you can do though is run at times one wouldn’t expect, start by taking “running errands” to a new level. So, grab that grocery cart, don’t forget some WD-30 for the wheels, and blaze at full bore through Whole Foods. As a nod to safety, have some spotters along, station them at the ends of aisles for those drifts past the end caps. The key to grocery getting is a stiff scoopy arm and not being too picky with the results. Vegan Saag Paneer is just as tasty as Beef Vindaloo.  Dont watch old episodes of Supermarket Sweep, that is not AlwaysRunning. Work your way up to the liquor store, AlwaysRunning is all about pacing.

Saving Real Clowns from Creepy Clowns

This is actually Lon Chaney.
This is actually Lon Chaney.

C’mon hipsters and hawtsters here’s what happens when you pay us no heed, we originally wrote about the need to save the clowns three years ago. Now in their hour of most dire need, we sound off again. Even NPR and  CNN are alerting us to the creepy clown invasion. It is IMPERATIVE the we reclaim the clown from the media fired hell that has begun to consume it. DO what it takes to tropebust this NOW to save us from our own perverse need to twist joy into fear!

Creepy clowns are OVER! Real clowns need our help. It is imperative that all hipsters, acknowledged masters of recycle and reuse, tie on some oversize shoes and ridiculously step forward to reclaim the clown from horror movies and nightmares to place them once again where they belong, smack dab in the middle of our funny times. For too long now hipsters have let the forces of evil and commercialism abscond with the very font of happiness and homespun hilarity that is a clown. This is ripe turf for all levels of hipsters, from younglings to advanced. There are several ways to begin this sacred quest, both viable.

How2Hawt: The first is a direct path to months of good conversation topics and stories to mystify your housemates, find and join a clown school. Imagine the gleeful surprise when you walk in to the commune with an arm load of vegan banana pies and begin hurling them at the gardening committee. Those are shrieks of joy you’re hearing for sure. When your baker’s dozen are covering the room you can shrug and say “Homework!” then give your signature clown laugh, (btw, get a signature clown laugh) and do a silly two step out the door of the moon porch. Clown school is perfect for hipsters who are looking for reasons why things are funny. Remember, the more facts you know about something and the more you talk about doing that thing, the closer you get to actually doing it without really having to. This is hipster gold. A great film to reference is Fellini’s “The Clowns (I Clowns). It’s suuuper meta and will give you countless obscure tidbits to throw out, even during nose painting practicum at clown school, you’ll love this.

The error [of these clowns] has so taken hold that they are not forbidden from the residences of great men, those indeed who expose their bodies’ shameful members in front of everyone, so that even a cynic blushes to see it. Still more astonishing, the clowns are not ejected even when the racket of their bottoms befouls the air with repeated noise, more shamefully emitting what is shamefully held in. (John of Salisbury – Policraticus 1159)
The error [of these clowns] has so taken hold that they are not forbidden from the residences of great men, those indeed who expose their bodies’ shameful members in front of everyone, so that even a cynic blushes to see it. Still more astonishing, the clowns are not ejected even when the racket of their bottoms befouls the air with repeated noise, more shamefully emitting what is shamefully held in.
(John of Salisbury – Policraticus 1159)
The other path to hipster hijinks and the resurrection of the clown is to go solo, or as we call it rogue rouge. Start by having a sneezing fit at the yoga studio. After you pull 5 meters of multicolored rags from your nose, tie them up and call it a Buddhist prayer flag, you’ll stun them long enough to apply a foamy red nose, white face paint and 1 mascara tear. Nothing helps lighten up a serious session of intense Hatha yoga like fart noises during sun salutations. Don’t worry, their silence is just awe and inner joy. BE ADVISED, Actually farting for entertainment purposes is ancient white hat clown wizardry that you are NOT APPROVED to attempt. You can keep the giggles going by grabbing all their antique neti pots and juggle them. So what if they’ve been just used. This is serious fun and you are just being विदूषक जैसा.

So remember, this is a TOP PRIORITY HAWTSTER MISSION! We must save the clown at all costs, our future relies on your actions today. So pack all your hawtster friends in a smart car, pull up in front of the freegan tea bistro and keep on coming out. Do it for Bozo!

Peaked: Stuff

These unwanted toys want you to stop your stuff addiction
These unwanted toys from a trash island floating in the North Pole want you to stop your stuff addiction … and kill Santa.

While it’s been happening for a while, people are starting to finally feel the hurt from the sheer amount of stuff we’ve created. The definition of the word itself is worth noting.

Stuff (noun)  – the material of which anything is made.

Given in that context, stuff has this building-block-of-the-cosmos ring to it. I like to think stuff is some kind of base element which can be reformed to make anything. When to need to refer to anything, you can use the word stuff. “Hey get your stuff out of my house!” or “I have the stuff, do you have the money?” Now, unless you believe in creatio ex nihilo, stuff is a perquisite for existence. According to Carl Sagan, “we are star stuff” which is a noble way to look at it and we’re currently up to our armpits with all our star stuff.

Sure, the Great Pacific Garbage Patch and laws banning plastic bags for single item purchases are important examples of too much stuff but HWTNXT is all about making the obscure relevant so here are other ways to look at the stuff-splosion.

The rapid rise of self storage – According to the Self Storage Association,”Some 65% of all self storage renters have a garage but still rent a unit; 47% have an attic in their home; and 33% have a basement.” Many people just walk away, leaving their stuff to star in “reality” television.

On average, English kids own 238 toys but only play with 12 daily. That’s 5%! Now we know the secret truth about the origin of the heartbreaking and dysfunctional “Island of misfit toys” from the classic Rankin/Bass Rudolf television show. BTW, I’m the jelly shooting squirt gun!

How2HAWT: So what to do about this? Well, thankfully the Swedish have a good idea, it’s kind of an anti-Ikea idea,  Start repairing stuff.  In his misguided 1932 stuff-ifesto “Ending the Depression through Planned Obsolescence“, Bernard London advocates for making stuff cheaply to save ourselves. It lead to a institutionalization of disposability and the tragic death of the fix-it-men. Case in point, my Fisher / Paykel dual drawer dishwasher. I have steadfastly refused to allow this thing to give into it’s makers idiocy of design and potentially despicable intentional failures. I’m proud to claim that I’ve repaired or replaced every internal component of this Kiwi beast. I have accepted the greasy mantle of fix-it-man and I will not allow my dishwasher to be a testimony to the discardable.

 So DO YOUR PART! Grab those tools, set up a workbench, toss that lamp up on it and start fixing it. Thats HAWT!

Rearing Up: Centauring It!

Serene and volatile, You too can Centaur this.
Serene and volatile, You too can Centaur this.

Perviously HWTNXT:HipsterTrends has advocated for animal proxies to become the standard bearers for the “nxt-of-times.” But, now, charging forward through the pillowy myths of time, comes the perfect totemic symbol for today, the Centaur! At once brash and barbarian, then pivoting to be wise and sensitive, the centaur is the perfect anthropomorphized icon for our troubled times. Think of being a centaur like having a super brash and “transbeast” way to respond to any challenge in life. Half human half horse, all business! Probably why the epicenter of interest is the Ukraine.

Not just the uncouth partiers of Percy Jackson, centaurs have come to represent the internal clash between our base instincts and cultured sensibilities, fertile stomping ground for a cutting edge hawtster like you. With the recent discovery of a habitable Earth like planet around Proxima Centauri, our nearest stellar neighbor only 4 light years away, the time of the the centaur has arrived.

How-to Hawt: When Bobertta (your ineffectual human manageress) decides it’s time for a punitive “performance review”, don’t cower under your cubicle tangled in ethernet and mouse cables in sweaty heaving, NO! Stand immediately forcefully shoving your throne ( ill fitting and inanely named task chair from Sweden ) back – allowing it to roll into Seth’s cubie across the way with authority. Then, reaching spread eagled with fingers out, take a chest exploding deep breath, stomp a nubby toe-boxed keens loafer down, SNORT and exclaim, “By the daughters of the Lapithae, it is time!” With a hearty whinny-laugh, do your best Churchill Downs pre-race clopping down the hallway to her office. Glance about as if you are returning from a battle. As centaurs always have one raised eyebrow, change them frequently during the review. Centaurs luxuriate in their chest hair, even female Centaurs, so don’t hold back, a medical grade comb can accentuate this. A true centaur would remember that this is their performance review, not the manager’s, so own it and know you’re HAWT!

On Point: Unicycle Archery

HWTNXT has been watching (and doing) archery for quite a while. With the popularity of Hunger Games, archery is now “Science Fashion” hawt . Now is the perfect time to trend blend it with the another hawt pursuit, and of course we choose the unicycle.

As evidenced by the video, we’re not alone. Mounted archery was a defining characteristic of the Eurasian nomads in antiquity and the “dandy horse” a fixture of poncy European aristocrats, this makes for a perfect one two punch for the modern Hawtster.

According to data provided by USA Archery, the sport’s governing body in the U.S., total membership in the association has jumped 262% from 2011 to 2014

How2Hawt: To honor the past, and take this into the future, we suggest the following.

First, spend a lot of money with Eryk Jadaszewski of When the HWTNXT office powerball pool hits, we’re buying this guy out and wearing this shit ALL THE FRIGGAN TIME. Must haves for unicycle archery are the Hussar Wing Sets and Bow and Arrow Cases.  We cannot stress enough how important Eryk’s work is to the future of re-enacting medieval Lithuania. This man must be supported in anything he does.

Dont ask, just do it!
Dont ask, just do it!

This focus on Polish Hussar mounted archery is not meant to diminish the rich tradition of Yabusame. But the religious component of modern Japanese mounted archery must be respected. We find winged Hussars to be somehow more “street.” The one homage we can pay however is the use of the Shinto phrase “In-Yo-In-Yo”, which translates to “darkness and light”, when an arrow is let fly.

So, as you roll up on the fire dance collective’s Equinox party practice, and proceed to empty your Hussar quiver into the side of their wooden supply cart full of accelerant and beads, gently balancing on one wheel while deeply intoning Japanese, you’ll gain fear, respect and admiration. Because you’ve just freaked out the freaky, and that’s HAWT.