Now: Navigating the The 90’s

Seeing as all the hip 5th through 12th grade kids just love anything to do with the 1980’s, NHT almost decided to pull the plug on any regurgitation of the 90’s before it has a chance to take hold. Personally, the importance of this really became apparent when I heard “Mambo No. 5” being used to sell shit on TV from search engines to tires and party favors. I was convinced then that I had been put on this earth and taught how to use wordpress for one purpose, kill the undead 90’s before it was too late. Hey Hipsters, Just because it happened in the past, doesn’t make automatically worth adopting now. And, if that’s the case, start with something really arcane and important like Ramasid genealogy or long division. Those of us who suffered through the 90’s (and 80’s … and um before during the stone ages) can tell you … it was awkward and just as fake as today is. Actually a bit more fake because people in the 90’s were really into the 60’s. But, cooler heads on the NHT editorial board prevailed so, if you must get all “90’s” at least do it right.

Your first thought might be to go buy some flannel. Don’t! Every other hipster throw-back will be doing this. Instead wear hypercolor t-shirts and get a whole crap load of friendship totems from the head shop. Ask the old Emo dude at the counter to ask the geriatric manager (who actually is from the 90’s) to dig out the rasta-bracelets from the closet and sell you ALL of them. Put on as many as you can, leave the ends fraying. Next, hackysack all the time. If you want to be “connected” ala 90’s, get a pager. You can set up a RasberryPi to send you odd ass numeric “pages” that you have stop screen printing band posters and make a land line phone call to deal with. The other hipsters will ask what that loud buzzy thing is, you’ll love this.

Guys, get some braids in your hair. Gals, shave the sides of your head (actually still cool). Advanced 90’s throwback hipters are encoraged to sport proudly Zubas or ”

We can’t discuss the 90’s without talking about Kurt Cobain, but DONT! If the other hipsters begin to query you about it, look down, show them your palm and say … “not ready.” Instead, bring up Dave Mathews and Midnight Oil saying “in the 90’s, the walls really came down” then, Bend over and start pumping the bladder on your shoes.