Now: Navigating the The 90’s

Seeing as all the hip 5th through 12th grade kids just love anything to do with the 1980’s, NHT almost decided to pull the plug on any regurgitation of the 90’s before it has a chance to take hold. Personally, the importance of this really became apparent when I heard “Mambo No. 5” being used to sell shit on TV from search engines to tires and party favors. Remember, Just because it happened in the past, doesn’t make automatically worth adopting now. And, if that’s the case, start with something really arcane and important like Ramasid genealogy or long division. Those of us who suffered through the 90’s (and 80’s … and um before during the stone ages) can tell you it was just as awkward and fake then as it is today. Actually a bit more fake because people in the 90’s were really into the 60’s. But, as many of the icons that have formed hipster culture began in the 90’s, cooler heads on the NHT editorial board prevailed so, if you must get all “90’s”, at least do it right.

Your first thought might be to go buy some flannel. Don’t! Every other hipster throw-back will be doing the grunge thing, steer clear you are beyond that — you read Next Hipster Trend!. Instead wear hypercolor t-shirts and get a whole crap load of friendship totems from the head shop. Ask the old Emo dude at the counter to ask the geriatric manager (who actually is from the 90’s) to dig out the rasta-bracelets from the closet and sell you ALL of them. Put on as many as you can, leave the ends fraying. Next, hackysack all the time. If you want to be “connected” ala 90’s, get a pager. You can set up a RasberryPi to send you odd ass numeric “pages” that you have stop screen printing band posters and make a land line phone call to deal with. The other hipsters will ask what that loud buzzy thing is, you’ll love this.

Advanced 90’s throwback hipters are encouraged to sport proudly Zubaz, this was their day. Casually saunter into the next wooden box making class meeting, roll out your chisel set and marvel at the astonished faces. Grabbing a 5″ bench mallet, you can gesture to your saggy and baggy orange zebra-striped and pleated knickers saying with aplomb, “It’s Hammer Time!”

We can’t discuss the 90’s without talking about Kurt Cobain, but DONT! If the other hipsters begin to query you about it, look down, show them your palm and say … “not ready.” Instead, bring up Dave Mathews and Midnight Oil saying “in the 90’s, the walls really came down” then, Bend over and start pumping the bladder on your shoes.