Now: Navigating the The 90’s

Presently all of the hip 5th through 12th graders just love anything to do with the 1980’s, seeing the writing on the wall that stuff from 30 years ago is generally regarded as hip, NHT almost decided to pull the plug on any regurgitation of the 90’s before it has a chance to take hold. Personally, the importance of this really became apparent when I heard “Mambo No. 5” being used to sell shit from search engines to tires to effing party favors on TV . Remember, just because it happened 30 years ago doesn’t make it automatically worth adopting now. If you’re going to navigate these waters do some research first. Watch as much “Saved by the Bell” as possible. I don’t care if you’ve already seen the iconic caffeine pill freak-out episode 37 times, watch it 37 more. Elizabeth Berkley delivers an oscar (or at least day-time emmy) worthy performance that got every teen to consider the serious implications of crippling caffeine abuse. Also on the must-see list is the film that defined the generation: Can’t Hardly Wait. The ensemble cast of Jennifer Love Hewitt, Ethan Embry, and Seth Green isn’t the only reason to revisit this gem. You’re looking for hot fashion trends. YES! Swim goggles! Genius! You’re doing homework here. Awesome homework.

When you’re ready to make your move start with something really arcane and important like Ramasid genealogy or long division. Those of us who suffered through the 90’s (and 80’s … and, um before that the stone ages) can tell you it was just as awkward and fake then as it is today. Actually it was a bit more fake because people in the 90’s were really into the 60’s. But, many of the icons that have formed hipster culture began in the 90’s, so it’s inevitable that all things 90’s will be lava-hot within a year or so.

Your first thought might be to go buy some flannel shirts. Don’t! Every other hipster throw-back will be doing the grunge thing, steer clear, you are beyond that — you read Next Hipster Trend! Instead wear hypercolor shirts and get a whole crap load of friendship totems from the head shop. Ask the old Emo dude at the counter to ask the geriatric manager (who actually is from the 90’s) to dig out the rasta-bracelets from the closet and sell you ALL of them. Put on as many as you can, leave the ends fraying. Next, hackysack 24/7. If you want to be “connected” ala 90’s, get a pager. This is a nice twist on no-phoning. You can set up a RasberryPi to send you odd-ass numeric “pages” that have you stop screen printing band posters and make a land line phone call to deal with. The other hipsters will ask what that loud buzzy thing is, you’ll love this.

Advanced 90’s throwback hipters are encouraged to proudly sport Zubaz! Casually saunter into the next wooden box making class meeting. After you flip the chair around and sit backwards ala A.C. Slater at the Max, roll out your chisel set and marvel at the astonished faces. Grabbing a 5″ bench mallet, you can gesture to your saggy and baggy orange zebra-striped and pleated knickers saying with aplomb, “STOP – Hammer Time!”

We can’t discuss the 90’s without talking about Kurt Cobain, but DON’T! If the other hipsters begin to query you about it, look down, show them your palm and muster … “not ready.” Instead, bring up Dave Mathews and Midnight Oil saying “in the 90’s, the walls really came down.” Then, bend over and start pumping the bladder on your shoes.