OVER! PBR

hpstrpbr
This guys has it all!

Here he is, you’ve seen him at Trampled By Turtles shows, doing the hipster 2-step and fist pumping during the banjo solos. We here at NHT love this guy. We want to help him keep ahead of the curve. So that’s why we’re calling PBRs OVER! Currently the refuge of cash strapped hipsters who want to throw back cheap beer and be a throwback to their Gramdpa’s opening fishing wknd ethos. Heck they’re already “wearing your grandpa’s clothes” so why not drink his bad beer too.

The hope we’ve all had was of course the resurgence of the American craft beer movement. Duluth, MN is (per capita) second only to Portland, OR in micro-breweries per capita. All hail the comeback of craft beer ..it’s soooo popular that you guessed it….NHT calls it OVER! too. Doesn’t mean we wont keep drinking our Bell’s Two Hearteds up here but we can’t in good conscious recommend them for hipsters. They really can’t afford them anyway. So what’s a hipster to do? NHT humbly suggests hard cider. It’s available, reasonably priced and esoteric enough to cause other uninformed hipsters to ask some questions. You can try and order it at your favorite bar and they wont even have it .. imagine how hip it is to out hip the bartender! This is hipster gold. The cider drinking hipster can reference apple horticulture techniques, Ben Franklin (an original hipster), and Appalachia. That hipster will get laid tonight for sure.

UPDATE: Looks like Hipster Power is in the Pocketbook: Hipsters drive up PBR prices.

So to be very clear, once and for all, hipters please cease and desist with the PBRs, skip the craft beers and get into hard cider.

Trending Down: Banjos

Banjo Hipster Girl
Tats, Aviators, fanny pack and Banjo – OMG This is a hipster dream queen. Too bad it’s OVER!

Once the domain of the denizens of HeeHaw, Porch Savants and Pete Seeger, banjos have been been the darlings of the hipster music scene. Nothing screams “I’m a simple, modest and earnest person” like a banjo. The once height of esoteric Appalachian folk music, now is pure top-40 de rigueur and true hipsters should do the quickest Walton Mountain two-step possible as they run away. Exception is of course, Steve Martin. Anything this guy does is GOLD. He alone is probably keeping this trend actually hip in perpetuity.

Possible replacements include the samisen, Ondes Martenot and Sacbut.

Frankly, I’ve been worried for bearded hipster banjo players for sometime. The potential for getting so into an emotive rendition of Foggy Mountain Breakdown and then accidentally having ones prized lumberjack-esque facial hair becoming tangled in the blurred steel of flailing banjo strings …the horror .. the horror.  Now we cant claim OVER! on banjos yet, but as evidenced by the real science of the trend-o-tron, banjos are on a steady and slow decline.

Dialing up: Retro web browsing

Retina display is for the normals!
Retina display is for the normals!

Everything old is new again. Except for technology, which is why hipsters so adore old tech. It will never be new again and that will keep it out of the grubby little hands of the normals, with their Samsung Galaxy S4s. From Polaroid cameras to giant 1980’s boom boxes, we love to show people just how much we admire the craftsmanship of aging silicone-based mechanisms. But why have we stopped there? There’s a whole world of possibilities. Today’s focus: retro web browsing.

There’s multiple levels that you can take this, but to get the edge on other readers I’d recommend taking it to the only level elite hipsters know. The NEXT level. The ultimate primer here is, of course, the only true computer authority of consequence in the 90’s: Stewart Cheifet, host of Public TV’s The Computer Chronicles. Any and all references to this show are your instant pass to uber-hipster-geek-hero status. Thankfully, The Internet Archive has lovingly preserved many episodes. It’s imperative that you watch all of them. Added bonus if you can organize a viewing party at a local sports bar. After you’ve bathed yourself in wave after wave of mid 90’s tech terminology, you’ll be ready for the next step. The hardware. You’ll still need to be portable (so people can see you using it and ask you about it), and it still needs to be able to run Windows ME (to be ironic). But it needs to be oldish, something from either Compaq or Tandy would be ideal. Never rock an IBM as that practically screams that you’re a corporate sellout yuppy dink. If you can get your grandpa’s Osborne to surf the web, you will shame even the most ancient and venerable paleo-hipster techguru. You’ll probably also need an acoustic coupling modem.

Now that you have a new old notebook (never call it a “laptop”) and an operating system that boasts 37% uptime between bluescreens, you’re ready to proceed onto selecting a web browser. Now your first inclination is going to be to jump right into Netscape Navigator 1.0. Wrong. Kevin (to remind new readers, he’s like an OVER detector), is already running that with pride on public transportation, playing a web-based emulation of Oregon Trail. So lame. But I digress, Kevin just gets under my skin. You need to jump right to Netscape Communicator. It’s old enough to be interesting and different (which you love) and new enough to actually work. If you have the initiative to dive further into obscurity, which I’m sure you do, because you’re here, maybe try your hand at earlier browsers like mosaic, lynx, and the ultra-niche web alternative gopher.

Next step, get to the nearest cybercafe. The problem here is that wireless high speed internet is ubiquitous, so there are no longer places that refer to themselves as cybercafes. So basically, just go to any cafe. Stride determined to the barista and ask loudly, “is this a cybercafe?!” She’s likely a millennial who has never realized that there was a time in humanity’s past that there wasn’t fast, free, wireless internet everywhere, so she will look at you like you’re from outer space. Awesome. Carefully explain that you need to get hooked up to the “world wide web” (use quote fingers for added flourish) with a baud rate of at least “14.4k” (use those exact words) and inquire where the jack is for you to connect your modem. Once you’ve booted up go to the Internet Archive’s wayback machine and furiously start clicking your roller ball mouse. As soon as you are sure everyone is looking at you, pull out the retro phone handset from the modem and bathe them all with loud hideous squealing. Wipe the phone quickly with a moist towelette and jam it back into the modem. Next, pull a vintage dot-matrix printer from your rucksack and loudly print off an ascii art portrait of Spock. Ripping off the holes strips on the side of the freshly printed masterpiece, tack it (never staple) it to the faux painted wall next to you. After that, open up Eudora and punch out a couple of hurried electronic mails (don’t call them emails) to a few of your retro brethren. You are at the summit of hipster nerd power.

By now a crowd has gathered and the questions will start streaming (ha) in, which you’ll love. “Why don’t you just get a tablet?” Throw up your hands in disgust. “Right! Like I’m going to line the pockets of of the mega-rich corporate thieves turning out technology from child slavery camps** in Taiwan when there’s perfectly good stuff out there on ebay!” They will be shocked by your hostility. Perfect. “My phone has 2,600 times the transistor count of your ‘notebook’,” a smug half-hipster wearing orange non-prescription glasses will snap back. Don’t give him an inch. “This is a 486 DX! It has a math co-processor! It’s pre-pentium!” He will tilt his head quizzingly and realize there’s no point in arguing with you. And he’s right. Because you’re right. Even if you don’t know why.

** NHT does not endorse child labor of any kind

Honked Up: Clowning

This is actually Lon Chaney.
This is actually Lon Chaney.
Scary clowns are OVER! Real clowns need our help. It is imperative that all hipsters, acknowledged masters of recycle and reuse, tie on some oversize shoes and ridiculously step forward to reclaim the clown from horror movies and nightmares to place them once again where they belong, smack dab in the middle of our funny times. For too long now hipsters have let the forces of evil and commercialism abscond with the very font of happiness and homespun hilarity that is a clown. This is ripe turf for all levels of hipsters, from younglings to advanced. There are two ways to begin this sacred quest, both equally good.

The first is a direct path to months of good conversation topics and stories to mystify your housemates, find and join a clown school. Imagine the gleeful surprise when you walk in to the commune with an arm load of vegan banana pies and begin hurling them at the gardening committee. Those are shrieks of joy you’re hearing for sure. When your baker’s dozen are covering the room you can shrug and say “Homework!” then give your signature clown laugh, (btw, get a signature clown laugh) and do a silly two step out the door of the moon porch. Clown school is perfect for hipsters who are looking for reasons why things are funny. Remember, the more facts you know about something and the more you talk about doing that thing, the closer you get to actually doing it without really having to. This is hipster gold. A great film to reference is Fellini’s “The Clowns (I Clowns). It’s suuuper meta and will give you countless obscure tidbits to throw out, even during nose painting practicum at clown school, you’ll love this.

The other path to hipster hijinks and the resurrection of the clown is to go solo, or as we call it rogue rouge. Start by having a sneezing fit at the yoga studio. After you pull 5 meters of multicolored rags from your nose, tie them up and call it a Buddhist prayer flag, you’ll stun them long enough to apply a foamy red nose, white face paint and 1 mascara tear. Nothing helps lighten up a serious session of intense Hatha yoga like fart noises during sun salutations. Don’t worry, their silence is just awe and inner joy. Keep the giggles going by grabbing a few of their antique neti pots and juggle them. So what if they’ve been just used. This is serious fun and you are just being विदूषक जैसा.

So remember, this is a TOP PRIORITY HIPSTER MISSION! We must save the clown at all costs, our future relies on your actions today. So pack all your hipster firends in a smart car, pull up in front of the freegan tea bistro and keep on coming out. Do it for Bozo!

Honked Up: Clowning

This is actually Lon Chaney.
This is actually Lon Chaney.
Scary clowns are OVER! Real clowns need our help. It is imperative that all hipsters, acknowledged masters of recycle and reuse, tie on some oversize shoes and ridiculously step forward to reclaim the clown from horror movies and nightmares to place them once again where they belong, smack dab in the middle of our funny times. For too long now hipsters have let the forces of evil and commercialism abscond with the very font of happiness and homespun hilarity that is a clown. This is ripe turf for all levels of hipsters, from younglings to advanced. There are two ways to begin this sacred quest, both equally good.

The first is a direct path to months of good conversation topics and stories to mystify your housemates, find and join a clown school. Imagine the gleeful surprise when you walk in to the commune with an arm load of vegan banana pies and begin hurling them at the gardening committee. Those are shrieks of joy you’re hearing for sure. When your baker’s dozen are covering the room you can shrug and say “Homework!” then give your signature clown laugh, (btw, get a signature clown laugh) and do a silly two step out the door of the moon porch. Clown school is perfect for hipsters who are looking for reasons why things are funny. Remember, the more facts you know about something and the more you talk about doing that thing, the closer you get to actually doing it without really having to. This is hipster gold. A great film to reference is Fellini’s “The Clowns (I Clowns). It’s suuuper meta and will give you countless obscure tidbits to throw out, even during nose painting practicum at clown school, you’ll love this.

The other path to hipster hijinks and the resurrection of the clown is to go solo, or as we call it rogue rouge. Start by having a sneezing fit at the yoga studio. After you pull 5 meters of multicolored rags from your nose, tie them up and call it a Buddhist prayer flag, you’ll stun them long enough to apply a foamy red nose, white face paint and 1 mascara tear. Nothing helps lighten up a serious session of intense Hatha yoga like fart noises during sun salutations. Don’t worry, their silence is just awe and inner joy. Keep the giggles going by grabbing a few of their antique neti pots and juggle them. So what if they’ve been just used. This is serious fun and you are just being विदूषक जैसा.

So remember, this is a TOP PRIORITY HIPSTER MISSION! We must save the clown at all costs, our future relies on your actions today. So pack all your hipster firends in a smart car, pull up in front of the freegan tea bistro and keep on coming out. Do it for Bozo!

Honked Up: Clowning

This is actually Lon Chaney.
This is actually Lon Chaney.
Scary clowns are OVER! Real clowns need our help. It is imperative that all hipsters, acknowledged masters of recycle and reuse, tie on some oversize shoes and ridiculously step forward to reclaim the clown from horror movies and nightmares to place them once again where they belong, smack dab in the middle of our funny times. For too long now hipsters have let the forces of evil and commercialism abscond with the very font of happiness and homespun hilarity that is a clown. This is ripe turf for all levels of hipsters, from younglings to advanced. There are two ways to begin this sacred quest, both equally good.

The first is a direct path to months of good conversation topics and stories to mystify your housemates, find and join a clown school. Imagine the gleeful surprise when you walk in to the commune with an arm load of vegan banana pies and begin hurling them at the gardening committee. Those are shrieks of joy you’re hearing for sure. When your baker’s dozen are covering the room you can shrug and say “Homework!” then give your signature clown laugh, (btw, get a signature clown laugh) and do a silly two step out the door of the moon porch. Clown school is perfect for hipsters who are looking for reasons why things are funny. Remember, the more facts you know about something and the more you talk about doing that thing, the closer you get to actually doing it without really having to. This is hipster gold. A great film to reference is Fellini’s “The Clowns (I Clowns). It’s suuuper meta and will give you countless obscure tidbits to throw out, even during nose painting practicum at clown school, you’ll love this.

The other path to hipster hijinks and the resurrection of the clown is to go solo, or as we call it rogue rouge. Start by having a sneezing fit at the yoga studio. After you pull 5 meters of multicolored rags from your nose, tie them up and call it a Buddhist prayer flag, you’ll stun them long enough to apply a foamy red nose, white face paint and 1 mascara tear. Nothing helps lighten up a serious session of intense Hatha yoga like fart noises during sun salutations. Don’t worry, their silence is just awe and inner joy. Keep the giggles going by grabbing a few of their antique neti pots and juggle them. So what if they’ve been just used. This is serious fun and you are just being विदूषक जैसा.

So remember, this is a TOP PRIORITY HIPSTER MISSION! We must save the clown at all costs, our future relies on your actions today. So pack all your hipster firends in a smart car, pull up in front of the freegan tea bistro and keep on coming out. Do it for Bozo!

Honked Up: Clowning

This is actually Lon Chaney.
This is actually Lon Chaney.
Scary clowns are OVER! Real clowns need our help. It is imperative that all hipsters, acknowledged masters of recycle and reuse, tie on some oversize shoes and ridiculously step forward to reclaim the clown from horror movies and nightmares to place them once again where they belong, smack dab in the middle of our funny times. For too long now hipsters have let the forces of evil and commercialism abscond with the very font of happiness and homespun hilarity that is a clown. This is ripe turf for all levels of hipsters, from younglings to advanced. There are two ways to begin this sacred quest, both equally good.

The first is a direct path to months of good conversation topics and stories to mystify your housemates, find and join a clown school. Imagine the gleeful surprise when you walk in to the commune with an arm load of vegan banana pies and begin hurling them at the gardening committee. Those are shrieks of joy you’re hearing for sure. When your baker’s dozen are covering the room you can shrug and say “Homework!” then give your signature clown laugh, (btw, get a signature clown laugh) and do a silly two step out the door of the moon porch. Clown school is perfect for hipsters who are looking for reasons why things are funny. Remember, the more facts you know about something and the more you talk about doing that thing, the closer you get to actually doing it without really having to. This is hipster gold. A great film to reference is Fellini’s “The Clowns (I Clowns). It’s suuuper meta and will give you countless obscure tidbits to throw out, even during nose painting practicum at clown school, you’ll love this.

The other path to hipster hijinks and the resurrection of the clown is to go solo, or as we call it rogue rouge. Start by having a sneezing fit at the yoga studio. After you pull 5 meters of multicolored rags from your nose, tie them up and call it a Buddhist prayer flag, you’ll stun them long enough to apply a foamy red nose, white face paint and 1 mascara tear. Nothing helps lighten up a serious session of intense Hatha yoga like fart noises during sun salutations. Don’t worry, their silence is just awe and inner joy. Keep the giggles going by grabbing all their antique neti pots and juggle them. So what if they’ve been just used. This is serious fun and you are just being विदूषक जैसा.

So remember, this is a TOP PRIORITY HIPSTER MISSION! We must save the clown at all costs, our future relies on your actions today. So pack all your hipster firends in a smart car, pull up in front of the freegan tea bistro and keep on coming out. Do it for Bozo!

Honked Up: Clowning

This is actually Lon Chaney.
This is actually Lon Chaney.
Scary clowns are OVER! Real clowns need our help. It is imperative that all hipsters, acknowledged masters of recycle and reuse, tie on some oversize shoes and ridiculously step forward to reclaim the clown from horror movies and nightmares to place them once again where they belong, smack dab in the middle of our funny times. For too long now hipsters have let the forces of evil and commercialism abscond with the very font of happiness and homespun hilarity that is a clown. This is ripe turf for all levels of hipsters, from younglings to advanced. There are several ways to begin this sacred quest, both equally good.

The first is a direct path to months of good conversation topics and stories to mystify your housemates, find and join a clown school. Imagine the gleeful surprise when you walk in to the commune with an arm load of vegan banana pies and begin hurling them at the gardening committee. Those are shrieks of joy you’re hearing for sure. When your baker’s dozen are covering the room you can shrug and say “Homework!” then give your signature clown laugh, (btw, get a signature clown laugh) and do a silly two step out the door of the moon porch. Clown school is perfect for hipsters who are looking for reasons why things are funny. Remember, the more facts you know about something and the more you talk about doing that thing, the closer you get to actually doing it without really having to. This is hipster gold. A great film to reference is Fellini’s “The Clowns (I Clowns). It’s suuuper meta and will give you countless obscure tidbits to throw out, even during nose painting practicum at clown school, you’ll love this.

The other path to hipster hijinks and the resurrection of the clown is to go solo, or as we call it rogue rouge. Start by having a sneezing fit at the yoga studio. After you pull 5 meters of multicolored rags from your nose, tie them up and call it a Buddhist prayer flag, you’ll stun them long enough to apply a foamy red nose, white face paint and 1 mascara tear. Nothing helps lighten up a serious session of intense Hatha yoga like fart noises during sun salutations. Don’t worry, their silence is just awe and inner joy. Keep the giggles going by grabbing all their antique neti pots and juggle them. So what if they’ve been just used. This is serious fun and you are just being विदूषक जैसा.

So remember, this is a TOP PRIORITY HIPSTER MISSION! We must save the clown at all costs, our future relies on your actions today. So pack all your hipster firends in a smart car, pull up in front of the freegan tea bistro and keep on coming out. Do it for Bozo!

Honked Up: Clowning

This is actually Lon Chaney.
This is actually Lon Chaney.
Scary clowns are OVER! Real clowns need our help. It is imperative that all hipsters, acknowledged masters of recycle and reuse, tie on some oversize shoes and ridiculously step forward to reclaim the clown from horror movies and nightmares to place them once again where they belong, smack dab in the middle of our funny times. For too long now hipsters have let the forces of evil and commercialism abscond with the very font of happiness and homespun hilarity that is a clown. This is ripe turf for all levels of hipsters, from younglings to advanced. There are several ways to begin this sacred quest, both equally good. The first is a direct path to months of good conversation topics and stories to mystify your housemates, find and join a clown school. Imagine the gleeful surprise when you walk in to the commune with an arm load of vegan banana pies and begin hurling them at the gardening committee. Those are shrieks of joy you’re hearing for sure. When your baker’s dozen are covering the room you can shrug and say “Homework!” then give your signature clown laugh, (btw, get a signature clown laugh) and do a silly two step out the door of the moon porch. Clown school is perfect for hipsters who are looking for reasons why things are funny. Remember, the more facts you know about something and the more you talk about doing that thing, the closer you get to actually doing it without really having to. This is hipster gold. A great film to reference is Fellini’s “The Clowns (I Clowns). It’s suuuper meta and will give you countless obscure tidbits to throw out, even during nose painting practicum at clown school, you’ll love this.

The other path to hipster hijinks and the resurrection of the clown is to go solo, or as we call it rogue rouge. Start by having a sneezing fit at the yoga studio. After you pull 5 meters of multicolored rags from your nose, tie them up and call it a Buddhist prayer flag, you’ll stun them long enough to apply a foamy red nose, white face paint and 1 mascara tear. Nothing helps lighten up a serious session of intense Hatha yoga like fart noises during sun salutations. Don’t worry, their silence is just awe and inner joy. Keep the giggles going by grabbing all their antique neti pots and juggle them. So what if they’ve been just used. This is serious fun and you are just being विदूषक जैसा.

So remember, this is a TOP PRIORITY HIPSTER MISSION! We must save the clown at all costs, our future relies on your actions today. So pack all your hipster firends in a smart car, pull up in front of the freegan tea bistro and keep on coming out. Do it for Bozo!

Honked Up: Clowning

This is actually Lon Chaney.
This is actually Lon Chaney.
Scary clowns are OVER! Real clowns need our help. It is imperative that all hipsters, acknowledged masters of recycle and reuse, tie on some oversize shoes and ridiculously step forward to reclaim the clown from horror movies and nightmares to place them once again where they belong, smack dab in the middle of our funny times. For too long now hipsters have let the forces of evil and commercialism abscond with the very font of happiness and homespun hilarity that is a clown. This is ripe turf for all levels of hipsters, from younglings to advanced. There are several ways to begin this sacred quest, both viable. The first is a direct path to months of good conversation topics and stories to mystify your housemates, find and join a clown school. Imagine the gleeful surprise when you walk in to the commune with an arm load of vegan banana pies and begin hurling them at the gardening committee. Those are shrieks of joy you’re hearing for sure. When your baker’s dozen are covering the room you can shrug and say “Homework!” then give your signature clown laugh, (btw, get a signature clown laugh) and do a silly two step out the door of the moon porch. Clown school is perfect for hipsters who are looking for reasons why things are funny. Remember, the more facts you know about something and the more you talk about doing that thing, the closer you get to actually doing it without really having to. This is hipster gold. A great film to reference is Fellini’s “The Clowns (I Clowns). It’s suuuper meta and will give you countless obscure tidbits to throw out, even during nose painting practicum at clown school, you’ll love this.

The other path to hipster hijinks and the resurrection of the clown is to go solo, or as we call it rogue rouge. Start by having a sneezing fit at the yoga studio. After you pull 5 meters of multicolored rags from your nose, tie them up and call it a Buddhist prayer flag, you’ll stun them long enough to apply a foamy red nose, white face paint and 1 mascara tear. Nothing helps lighten up a serious session of intense Hatha yoga like fart noises during sun salutations. Don’t worry, their silence is just awe and inner joy. Keep the giggles going by grabbing all their antique neti pots and juggle them. So what if they’ve been just used. This is serious fun and you are just being विदूषक जैसा.

So remember, this is a TOP PRIORITY HIPSTER MISSION! We must save the clown at all costs, our future relies on your actions today. So pack all your hipster firends in a smart car, pull up in front of the freegan tea bistro and keep on coming out. Do it for Bozo!