OVER! Black Leggings and Knee High Boots

leggings
is she a pirate?

As a guy, this one is hard for me to write. I have to admit that, yes I’m looking at legs and I can’t help but notice the skin tight black leggings worn by trendish female hipstanistas. They are leaving very little to the imagination. I readily admit, I admire the female form, but toss in the set of thigh high boots and you have the most OVER! of all current fashion trends. The high level of popularity of this trend make it a candidate for immediate cease and desist. It’s peaking so hard that it’s like a bath-salt junkie in a Aveda aroma-therapy demo.

I want to approach this from the male perspective. Maybe I want to wear this kind of stuff. I mean this look isn’t that far from canonical Han Solo. Strap on a good blaster at your side and you’re ready to do the Kessle Run in under 12 parsecs. Seriously though I’ve considered getting some meggings and trying this fashion out. How do you think it would go over for me, a stocky middle aged paleo-hipster, strutting down the terrazzo hallway at the mid-sized Midwestern private college where I work, wearing skin tight black leggings and thigh high swashbucklers boots?

Just let that image settle in your mind a bit.

I don’t think too much time would pass before my manager would be inviting me to a special meeting with HR and security.

So lady hipsters, to be clear … The tights and high boots thing is OVER!

So, not to leave you hanging with no options, NHT is tracking the rain boot / welly / red spot / galosh trend. And it’s rising faster than a arctic ice melt pool in August. Along with planetary warming and rising ocean levels, we see the rise of hip waders for hipsters. It’s perfect! Now you’ll be able to still make the felting circle even if Emma’s neighborhood is under a flash flood alert. They’re uni-sex, utilitarian and under-appreciated. All very desirable hipster qualities. You wont need to angle for compliments, while you’re angling for run-away barracudas from the civic aquarium, during next year’s 500 year flood event.

Skin tight never felt so right.

Trending Up: Workplace Historical Recreations

hipster at work
Bored because you have to work? Spice it up!

When you, as all self respecting hipsters do, live at work and work at life, hobby time and professional time start to blend. NHT says embrace the blurred lines and we’re here to help you take it to the next level. Taking a break to thwart the zombie apocalypse with your nerf weapon is so old, even your manager has a high capacity rotary nerf gatling gun collecting dust next to his copy of “Leading Geeks“. Gaming at work is too much like work when you work making games… what’s a hipster to do? We say it’s time for workplace historical recreations! Warm up by getting out the robin hood costume you wore to the renfest last summer. Nothing commands attention at an HR meeting like a guy in tights. Toss an odd “Huazzah!” or “Well Met!” in during a marketing presentation with clients. But this codpiece wearing is only the pre-game stretching.

Hipsters are nothing if not ironic observation purists, all humor must also have a bitter poignancy or else it’s just a glorified knock knock joke, right? Imagine the bemused horror from the other millennials on your scrum team when you dump accelerant on the beanbag chair in the corner of the CoLab and, striking a match, you yell “Triangle Factory Fire!” They wont even notice you are dressed like a 12 year old 1911 New York Tenement girl** as you are throwing the bolts on the exit doors closed. After the sprinklers have stopped and you’ve wiped your forehead with the back of your hand to leave a finely crafted soot smudge (use mascara), turn to face your angered Colab-orators and give an impassioned and memorized declamation club style monologue from “The Triangle Factory Fire Project” by Piehler and Evans. In 5 minutes you’ll have applause, admiration and they’ll understand when you show up with applique pustules for “Bubonic Plague Day” next week. You might even get them to help by tossing your playing dead corpse on the sidewalk for lunchtime collection during the “bring out your dead” game.

**NHT Does NOT endorse or support Child Labor

Sprouting: Rescuing ditch trees

Somebody's gotta do it.
Somebody’s gotta do it.
Look, everybody has been all about “saving the earth” since the first earth day, 43 years ago. Who hasn’t planted a tree on earth day? Who doesn’t recycle? Let’s face it, preserving the health of our home planet has become so mainstream that even republicans are using reusable grocery bags. Lame. It’s time to take it to the next level and let everyone know that you care more about the earth then them! Get out there and start rescuing ditch trees!

The highway department murders millions (billions?) of trees every year with their giant brush mowers (they call the trees “brush” to desensitize us). When we protest they remind us patiently that we need the ditches to be clear so people can see and wildlife doesn’t surprise us. Since the slaughter is inevitable you need to relocate as many of the brave saplings as possible, and you need to do it fast. You don’t want that Indian dude who was actually an Italian dude to start bawling beyond the grave.

Start with snacks. No seriously, you’re going to be out there all day in the sun and you’re going to need something to eat that doesn’t take up much rescuing time. I recommend the classic GORP. Please make sure that you assemble your trail mix from local, organic, freegan sources. If you don’t happen to have a local peanut farm, raisin plantation, or M&M factory don’t fret. You can always bring along what ever regional crop is in season. Today I’ll be snacking entirely on raw garlic and onions with a side of sprouted bulger salad.

Next up, attire. Wear something light and airy that will also protect you from the sun. Prison jumpsuits are coincidentally the best possible ditch-work clothes, but don’t expect a lift.

Finally, you’ll need a shovel. Never call it a shovel though, call it a spade. When people don’t understand what you mean when you say spade you can remark snidely “I’ve gotta call a spade a spade.” Ideally you will smith your own spade from iron that you have personally smelted, but if you don’t have time try to find a local artisan smith and pay handsomely for a spade fit for a king. Have the smith inlay the name of the fine tool, Yggdrasil, in homage to the great tree of legend.

All that’s left to do now is hit the ditches hard with lust for rescue. Don’t just save the maples and oaks, rescue “lesser” trees like alders and willows with equal passion. Relocate them out of the ditches an onto neighborhood lawns. In the event that some normal comes storming out of their domicile asking you what the hell you’re doing tell them flatly that you’re “saving the effing earth, somebody’s got to.” If they have a problem with that your prison jumpsuit should be enough to dissuade them from attacking you. If you accidentally hit any telecommunications lines just carry on like nothing happened. These sheeple should already be no-phoning anyway. You’re doing solid work my friends, between this, helping honeybees, and all of the other amazing stuff we have you doing we’ve really got a shot at the earth being habitable for at least another 37 years!