Scaling up: Urban fishing

hipsterfishing
This could be you! (without the frat boy bent hat brim)

Sure, Babe Winkleman made inland sportfishing McDonald’s apple pie-hot back in the 80’s, and popularity of reeling in a walleye or two hasn’t really diminished for the normals. Hipsters have more classically been into flyfishing for trout as it doesn’t involve boats, motors, modern technology, or ease-of-experience. But let’s face it, everybody has caught a few rainbows and most have even adopted referring to them as just “bows” they are so commonplace and pedestrian. So what can you do to breath fresh air into the lungs, er … gills of a classic like fishing? URBAN fishing, of course!

Don’t just click wildly on amazon for a rod and reel combo. You should consider fashioning your own with reclaimed bamboo or cherry. In a pinch you could up-cycle a weave of old metal hangers to form a springy yet sensitive fishing instrument. As for other gear you’ll definitely need a classic split willow creel, some hip waders (haha “hip”), and a good fishing hat (see our infographic on hat ranking here).

Once you have all the essentials, hop on the bus and head for the pristine waters of the fountain in front of Bank of America. The normals walking hurriedly on the sidewalk to their empty, soul-crushing jobs will be gobsmacked when they see your full ensemble and wonder if you’re really about to cast a hand-tied elk hair caddis fly into the koi pond. Oh hell yes you are! Don’t just wing it out there like one of those bassmaster a-holes. Exercise the discipline to execute a perfect Japanese mountain stream tenkara cast. Within seconds the koi will hammer your fly due to the fact that they are conditioned to surface feed by the dude who tosses them their food every day. Try to schedule your outing about an hour before feeding time, the fish will be ripe for the catching! Once you hook your first koi don’t just reel it in willy-nilly, really make a show out of it. Let your drag scream as the obese goldfish runs on you time and time again. Eventually it will tire. Wet your hands before netting and handling the beauty if you intend to release it back into the wild of the Bank of America fountain. Ask a random to take a snapshot of you and your quarry with your polaroid camera. In the event that you catch a trophy decorative carp, forget the taxidermy. Take some of your always-at-hand cuddlefish ink and immortalize your achievement with a Japanese ink press of the fish’s form. Wow your friends for decades as you show them the Gyotaku from that day.

Pescetarianism is only one notch down from the zenith of hipster diets (veganism), so if you’re hungry don’t be afraid to prepare yourself a quick little shore lunch. First you’ll need to fillet the koi, find a sturdy cutting surface. Any city bench will do, but for maximum visibility I’d recommend the bus stop bench. Unsheathe your daggger and get gutting! Try not to be distracted by the normals asking you what the hell you’re doing. You need to maintain composure and a steady hand to remove the y-bones. As you work, cut a couple of smaller morsels and offer the onlookers some fresh sushi. Most of them will scoff at the idea, but be sure to exchange contact information with any hipsters who are daring (and awesome) enough to take you up on the offer. Once your fillets are ready for cooking, season them liberally with a blend of local spices that you’ve hand-foraged. After that, all that’s left to do is slow steam them over the sidewalk grate of your choosing (avoid the sewage ones). As you dine on the succulent meat, gaze upon the fountain that was the source of your sustenance. You’ll be the hipster catch of the day if you play this one right, get out there and get casting!

Booting Up: Robot Dating

wetbot
hose that thing off

It’s hip to care. Caring is an excellent opportunity to make a deep connection, feel full in existence … and share how hip you are. We all seek love don’t we? Well, so do our machines. Why should Gary, your first generation iRobot vacuum, just lurch back to the recharge station after each figure eight in your shag without being able to set up his own shag later on with a chatty web enabled fridge in Santa Fe? The internet of things is about to heat up and hipster’s robots, devices and other web webby web stuff are leading the way. Robot dating sites offer a chance for the automata of hipsters to find social fulfillment and distraction from the monotony of regulating our sewage flow and listening to us bark commands at them all day.

  • Rusty and trusty tin woodsman seeks stark Teutonic simulacrum from the metropolis. Must be hard worker and have a fetish for Art Deco. You bring the oil can and I’ll flip some switches.
  • Inquisitive and needy star ship maintenance computer from Urbana on long trip to Jupiter seeks matter of fact mobile phone assistant for singing, jokes and long question and answer sessions.
  • Assertive domestic maintenance drone interested in finding like minded group for fun and seasonal gutter cleaning. Understanding the binary language of moisture vaporators a plus.

So, when you show up late for the hackerspace conference call, you have the perfect opportunity to silence the other techno-hipsters (even Lumpy G) by explaining how your coffee maker has this thing with an ardu-copter and it’s really messing up your morning routine. Don’t let your bot join the singularity alone, get him a date with a golf pro.

Trending Up: Infographics about Hipsters

Well, you all knew it would come to this. We at NHT want to meet you where you live. And you know, that means pictures. It’s not real unless there’s an infographic, right? Infographics are center-of-the-sun hot right now, here’s even an infographic about infopraphics, which is super meta and that’s hipster platinum. With the help of Paul at PMC3, NHT has developed our first foray into the world of a thousand words .. the highly scientific and totally arbitrary “Hipster Ranking System by Hat Brim Length.” So click, save and print (on a repurposed internal memo about hats in the office of course). Put it by the coffee machine in the refreshments alcove at the CoLLab or by the seltzer bay at the cheese mongering institute. We recommend lamination for use at the local bar during the next Duck, Duck, Goose show. Enjoy.

know your brim size
Print this out and laminate immediately, makes a handy bookmark for those long afternoons hipster watching at the vegan tea conclave. Produced by Paul from Paul Connolly 3 design.

Trending Up: Braunschweiger

I really took this at a symphony event
I really took this at a symphony event

This trend anomaly flies in the face of the current so-popular-its-OVER! status of organ meats in general. Hipsters are violently opposed to most offal as a matter of course, but patrilineal connections run too deep to sever ties with the perfection in pink that is your mainstream liverwurst. The primary attraction is, of course, it’s malleability. Prized for it’s pliant consistency and succulent aftertaste, when you whip out several moist chunks rendered to function as RPG dice at the GameCon and proceed to roll a critical hit on the cobalt dragon about to breath weapon your cleric, you’ll really turn some heads and wet some appetites. Spread them on hard-tack crackers while the dungeon master totals your experience points.

You can continue to impress your gaming party by discussing how artisanal German schweiger meisters confidently pack smoked pig livers into fibrous casings and, tying them off with a kurt flourish, slice them apart, one at a time, so they plop into special Leberwurst Warenkorb for delivery.

A rich source of iron and vitamin A, this is the stout Teutonic cousin of the creamier, and French, pâté. Whislt quaffing ales waiting to be hired for the next attempt to breach The Hidden Shrine of Tamoachan, you can recount your visit ( actually just the web site) to Stryhn’s Leverpostej on Amager isle, south of Copenhagen. Eat the last disc off the tip of your tantō and they will soil their armor like brave Sir Robin.

Crazy hot: Vaugebooking

You don't know what I'm posting about, and I love it!
You don’t know what I’m posting about, and I love it!

Being vague has been a solid hipster activity since the first hipsters emerged from their free-range alpaca yarn cocoons. Hipsters love making people think, especially if it’s about them. “Why is she wearing that tent? Why is he scything his lawn? Why would anyone shave their eyebrows?” The answer why is because you’re asking why. Now, I get it, Facebook is normally WAY too mainstream for elite hipsters, if they do have an account it’s only to be ironic, to update everyone on their crossfit endeavors, or to post haikus and pictures of all the weird stuff their eating. Oxtail soup, check. But let’s face it, the opportunity to be vague is just too much to pass up on. So if you’ve managed to hold out on getting a Facebook account as long as you’ve managed to not see “Titanic” it’s probably time to “sell out” and do both. Besides, selling out is trending up.

Alright, on to vaguebooking. There’s not too much to it really, just login to Facebook and post something vague that makes people concerned and ask follow-up questions that you completely ignore for several hours or possibly even a day. I’ll provide a few examples to get you started:

1) overwhelmed

It’s one word, it’s vague as hell, it’s concerning. That makes it just about perfect for your first vague status update. Note the lack of capitalization and punctuation. People will assume you’re really hurting to not care about either. Perfect. It will no doubt incite all sorts of concerned replies, which you’ll love. “Wat’s wrong hunny?” Kelly from high school will immediately reply. DO NOT RESPOND, hold out for at least six other people to ask you just what the hell you’re talking about and/or offer support. “Message me” your best friend Theo will post, even though you’re presently sitting across from each other at the artisan coffee shop. Several other empathetic posts will follow. After 6-8 hours interest will have died down. Come back with something trivial and slightly more specific, maybe something like “world’s are colliding.” You don’t have to know what you mean. In fact the best vaguebookers never do.

2) hospital

This one is a classic and an easy way to rack up all sorts of attention. Again, we’re going with one word, no punctuation or capitalization. The best part is obvious, where you are … you’re in the freaking hospital! Why? Are you okay? Who knows! (you do, only you) Fortunately most hospitals have free wi-fi so you can read (NEVER RESPOND) concerned posts as you wait for your routine checkup. You know what people are going to say to this one, and it’s going to be so rad! “What happened, are you okay!?” your fellow barista Ike will inquire. It’s also good at this point to have a few really close friends who know more about the situation say something equally vague, “it will be over before you know it” would be the perfect double-vauge from a bff of yours like Matilda. It demonstrates to everyone that you’re closer to her and have shared whatever you’re in the hospital for. It will cause a slight feeling of jealousy and desire to know more about you. Perfect. Bonus points on this one if you post from the actual emergency room or on your way. You can even go as pedestrian as “ON MY WAY TO THE E.R!” Save this one for a rainy day when you really could use a shower of support of your concerned friends.

3) wronggirl

Ooooh, this one is juicy! So many questions! Who is he? What did he do? What kind of revenge scheme are you hatching? This is another good one to have a close friend double-vague something along the lines of “don’t worry, he’ll get his.” Classic stuff. Of course you can never reveal just what the hell it is you’re talking about, but that makes it all the more interesting and annoying.

Alright those should be enough to help guide you into the marvelous world of vaguebooking. Remember to never fully disclose what’s going on and to make it sound as dramatic and scary as possible. It’s perfectly fine to make people wonder if you’re about to jump from the 50th floor of a highrise in Detroit and completely ignore their pleas to save you for hours. It will create a sense of mental attachment to you and your plight and make them all appreciate you more when you post one of those artsy looking away selfies or a picture of your vegan lima bean chopstick-only lunch in the middle of the day next Wednesday.

Hot: Habitat Pants

Your fly is open.
Your fly is open.

It might seem that the trending desires to stay at home more AND get out more are in direct opposition. Well, not so fast. Clothes that convert in to a place to sleep are power tower hot right now. The ultimate in form attempting to meet function, fashion designers are embracing the new trend of creating wearable tents and jackets that turn into sleeping bags. This up and comer is deeply rooted in the very hip trend to “stay at home more” AND the innate hipster need to be seen on the scene, so it’s a classic multi-trend. Actually, this trend is nothing new, strangely it’s been part of the “deep normal” culture for quite a while. Dress Barn has been a staple of American mall culture for years. Hipsters try to stay away from the mall so maybe that’s why they’re only just now catching on to this exciting blend of structure and couture.

So the next time you’re at civic brass practice and it begins to rain torrents, you and your euphonium will, with a few quick zips, have turned your seersucker trousers into a mountain climbing rock face shelter, staying bone dry. Invite the others to enter and keep their handlebar mustaches from becoming moist and saggy while claiming factually, “Look, I’ve pitched a tent!”

Bubbling Up: Lawrence Welk

welk
Higgs-Boson-Hot

As enamored as hipsters are with the neo-folk-pop-bluegrass wave, it’s soooo popular that, by definition, it’s got to be OVER! So, whats a self respecting hipster to do next if they shouldn’t be knee slapping anymore to TBT or are letdown when a “popular” band does something unexpected? The next hipster shiny musical object must continue that quintessential harkening back to a simpler, more earnest zeitgeist. In these VUCA filled times, nothing says banal and epic obscurity like the Lawrence Welk Show. It’s got everything. From not so subtly ironic numbers like “One Toke Over The Line” and the odd ass “Hippie” thing to more deep-hipster must haves like electronica and serious country music.

Imagine the effect when you burst into the next Co-Op board meeting wearing a polyester suit the color of fresh ketchup humming “Music to Watch Girls By.” The raised eyebrows (provided they haven’t been shaved off) will soon turn to nods of shamed agreement when you wax on about the work of color television pioneer Rose Weiss.

Of course this next musical exploration will also give you a chance to let everyone know how important it is to support public television by organizing weekly Welk viewing parties at your favorite sports bar. Everyone should dress like their favorite Lawrence Welk Family member and show up Saturday evening at “Schmitty’s” or “Schultz’s” right at 5pm (preferably when the big game is suuuper close) and use one of these spiffy DIY hipster-tech devices to swap the channel on all the huge TVs to LW on the local public television station. Stand up and yell “WELK SESH” and start dancing like Sissy and Bobbie doing a disco number. You’ll make a bunch of new friends.

Trending Up: Lawrence Welk

welk
your grandmother had the hots for this
As enamored as hipsters are with the neo-folk pop-bluegrass wave, it’s soooo popular that, by definition, it’s OVER! The next hipster shiny musical object must continue that quintessential harkening back to simpler, more earnest times. In these VUCA filled times, nothing says banal and epic obscurity like the Lawrence Welk Show. It’s got everything. From not so subtly ironic numbers like “One Toke Over The Line” and the odd ass “Hippie” thing to more deep-hipster must haves like banjos and more serious country music.

Imagine the effect when you burst into the next Co-Op board meeting wearing a polyester suit the color of fresh ketchup humming “Music to Watch Girls By.” The raised eyebrows (provided they haven’t been shaved off) will soon turn to nods of shamed agreement when you wax on about the work of Rose Weiss.

Of course this will also give you a chance to let everyone know how much you support public television by organizing weekly Welk viewing parties at your favorite sports bar. Everyone should dress like their favorite Lawrence Welk Family member and show up at “Schmitty’s” or “Schultz’s” right at 5pm (preferably when the big game is suuuper close) and use one of these spiffy DIY hipster-tech devices to swap the channel on all the huge TVs to LW on the local public television station. Stand up and yell “WELK SESH” and start dancing like Sissy and Bobbie doing a disco number. You’ll make a bunch of new friends.