Socks are the red headed bastard child of daily attire. This makes them the perfect growth zone and hipster fashion cause célèbre. Long over looked as mere “foot tubes” the sock has a long and venerable history of serving humanity. This wide, and currently underrated, story is ripe for exploitation. We’ll get to that later. First, get sock-gressive! Reach down and feel those cloth tubes loosely gathered around your ankles. What!! NO SOCKS!! Firstly, don’t tell me you’re bare-footing .. We covered it aeons ago, so it has to be over by now. And further, DON’T tell me you are not wearing socks. That is Sooo Kevin. Even Kevin is tired of ruining another pair of Keens with his stink foot just to say he “feels free” and “doesn’t have warts.” Give us a break. You have socks on and you know it…Don’t be ashamed like we said, you’re taking part of one of the greatest human epic sagas to never be told. The Saga of Socks! Now you’re feeling it, that’s right … go on and play with your socks because they don’t deserve to just sit there, all saggy and ruffled, your socks demand attention. They demand respect, they demand to be grabbed onto and pulled straight up your leg, elevated to their fullest possible potential. Stretch those sock up! And keep them up! Remember, looking like you’re casual takes a lot of attention to detail.
Sharing your new “sock-taughtnes” is the most important thing you have to deal with. How else can everyone appreciate how much you appreciate obscure niches of cultural reference? Of course wearing shorts, if you must wear anything other than socks (UpSock Streaking is a whole level of hip that, we’re sorry to say, you shouldn’t even consider) shorts make for the quickest showcase of your new found fashion commitment. Remember, people expect to see pulled up socks on menschen, die Lederhosen tragen and , of late, some sports celebrities so skip that. To have the greatest value, you want your UpSocking to be shocking.
Go find the longest pair of black socks you can get and, here’s where you have to really stretch, you know that guy in I.T. who works at the helpdesk? … Yeah, the one who does cosplay and works as a juggler at renfest. Ask him for his garters. At first he’ll cock his head at you and move your name down his list of RAM upgrades … keep at it, butter him up by talking retro web browsing and mention the “singularity” … pretty soon he’ll listen and even eager bring his prized garters in (serious trendtron points if he offers to bring you to a “munch” … decline claiming you’re too “vanilla”) Tell him you’ll have them back. If he’s a geek worth his salt these will be beauties. They may even have bangles on them. Now, pull up your new polyester socks and clamp on the garters. Feel the tight fit, the skin like adherence to your shins. Head to your marketing meeting, the one where you have to present on SEO to the web scrum. Just before you walk into the meeting room, push the left one all the way down to your ankle. Enter the meeting. Fidget and fuss as consultants stand in front of the group spouting on about “APIs” and “Haptic Blah-de-blahs”, make sure your co-workers notice how uncomfortable you are. Finally, as you launch into your awesome prezi about client demographics, do a dead stop … look at the consultants in the eye and slowly roll up your left pants leg. Roll it way up … as far as possible .. you don’t work out so you should be able to get it to about mid-thigh (to bad you don’t half-pant) DONT STOP STARING AT THE CONSULTANTS … dealing with this is how they really earn their money. Once you’ve got the pants rolled up, grab the ribbed cuff of the black sock and stretch that thing suuuper tight ..so tight that your leg hair is coming through the fabric. Then fix the clasp on I.T. guy’s renfest garter. Launch into a concise history of the Knights and Ladies of the Noble Order of the Garter. Mention Prince William is the 100th Knight of the Garter (everyone loves him) and finish your prezi with a newly found over confidence. They’ll all be rushing out to buy garters later that day. Your work here will be finished.