Surfacing: Anything to do with Narwhals

Get the Point?
Get the Point?

For too long hipsters have suffered without a mascot. This deplorable situation has to stop! After significant research, focus grouping and highly subjective introspection we’ve determined that the perfect hipster totem is the narwhal whale. Honey bee, coffee civet and urban chicken all came in close seconds. Each a respectable representative of the animal kingdom in their own right, they all fall short compared to the mysterious, enigmatic and otherwise obscure narwhal whale. The word alone … “NARWHAL” is just cool to say. It’s also has the conservation status of “Near Threatened (IUCN 3.1),” and nothing says hipster like being “nearly threatened.”

Several “narwhallian” traits (if you don’t use “narwhallian” in a sentence today, you’re a subpar hipster) that make Monodon monoceros the hipster animal of choice include but are in no way limited to:

  • Narwhals have the summertime habit of just lolly-gagging, inactive, at the surface of the sea. Called “logging” this can be considered the animal kingdom equivalent of “planking“.
  • Queen Elizabeth paid the equivalent of 2.5 million dollars for a jewel encrusted Narwhal tusk for her “curiosity cabinet.” Just having a curiosity cabinet or “Wunderkammer” is suuuper hip. Don’t get us started on how Queen Elizabeth represents one of the original metro-sexual hipsters. That’s another article for another day.
  • There’s an ancient narwhal tusk spear with a friggan metal tip made out of meteorite iron. Couple that with some necro-pants and you are an Icelandic Wiccan sorcerer of hip. Furthermore, narwhal tusks have magic properties attributed to them including fending off poison and melancholia, the later being especially useful to the tragically hip

There are many more reasons why the hip should adopt the narwhal as their clan symbol. But enough “why,” let’s get into the “how.” Firstly, adopt the use of “narwhal,” “narwhalian” and “narwhalling” as both verbs and nouns. “I’m sick of this project not getting done, I’m going to narwhal it!” or “She’s so quiet and narwhally,” your coworkers will look confused at first, but then start using the term themselves, you’ll love this. Second, definitely take up “tusking,” which isn’t, as you might think, listening to the 1979 Fleetwood Mac album over and over, but is in fact the practice of bull male narwhals rubbing their tusks together to simultaneously maintain dominance hierarchies and sensitive sensory organs. You can figure out the ergonomics of this activity on your own, just don’t invite anyone from HR.

Finally, in keeping with another hipster trend, form a fraternal organization. Joining ancient animalistic cults like the Elks, Eagles and Owls is Planck hot right now. This actually deserves an article of its own, but suffice to say, the hip should create one themselves called “The Loyal Order of the Noble Narwhal” or some whack thing like that. They could file a 50c3 or something and get non-profit status. Secret noises like clicks and “bangs” could be part of bizarre initiation and drinking rituals. Imagine the silly short brimmed pointy hat involved. Then early into the morning, after most of your friends have gone home from an exuberant night of revelry and tusking, you can look up at the stars imagining yourself floating on your narwhal back, at peace, the unicorn of the sea … even if you don’t know why.

Hear Ye to Stay: Town-Criering

towncrier3asAs hipsters well know, teh social mediaz are the dominant way to get messages out these days. Well, before the facebooks and the twitterverse and the google+ and instagrams and the tumblrs how did people feed their narcissistic needs? You got it, by Town Criering. Originally officers of the court, tasked with making legal announcements to the mostly illiterate townsfolk, the town crier was an essential part of daily life. Also called a “bellman” (do not make the mistake of EVER asking a crier to haul your bags to your room, nothing hurts more than getting clocked with a brass handbell.) Town criers strode up and down the streets of the town announcing all manner of news, advertisements, market days and such.

In the German town of Goslar, the crier informed the citizens to refrain from using the local river as a bathroom on days when the brewery was collecting water for the local beer.

 Kinda makes your piddly job in analytics seem trivial now doesn’t it? Town criering is the ultimate in social media throwback, so retro that no one else on pintrest has even thought of it yet, perfect. Pursuing town criering NOW will give you a chance to draw several breaking hipster trends into one obscure and noticeable activity, you’ll love this.

First and foremost, a good town crier needs a bell. Of course no ordinary bell will do, walking around tinkling some anemic peace chimes or yoga harmony jingles will only undermine the importance of what you’re criering. You need a solid bell of note and nothing says PAY ATTENTION like a Schulmerich. They claim to be “the world’s largest and oldest existing manufacturer of handbells in the United States.” This is a perfectly ironic and confusing, and all we know is that, swinging that bright brass monster in the crisp dawn light, you’ll be the envy of all your hand-bell choir hipster friends. Next, the always important attire. A Tricorne hat (which we are emphatically stating will be THE next hipster hat), knickers and possible Ben Franklin glasses, holy hell this is epic hipster gold in the making! Why didn’t we think of this before!?

Once you’re all rigged up, the next thing is to get out there and do it! If you live in close proximity to other hipsters, we suggest the ol’ crack-o-dawn strategy. After a late night of drinking endless craft ciders and listening to high decibel circuit bent experimental electronica, nothing says “hi how are ya” like standing in the courtyard of the old button factory (now hipster condos) and stoutly ringing a huge hand bell reading hashtags from twitter and facebook. The classic town crier call starts with “OYEZ, OYEZ!” Then launch into a 37 minute regurgitation of everyone’s most self-obsessed postings from the night before. Use the most olde-englishy type accent you can muster.

“OYEZ! OYEZ!”
*KLANG KLANG*
“MISTER THEO SAYS ON YE OLDE TWIITER ..”
*KLANG KLANG*
“..OUCH, MY HEAD DOTH HURT AS A SPLIT MELLON DROPPED ON THE WARF! OMG HASHTAG TIED-ONE_ON! HASHTAG THEOPROBLEMZ!”
*KLANG KLANG*

Remember, you have big shoes to fill, modern town criers hold the Guinness world records for the loudest humans, reaching 114 decibels so step it up! You’ll have lots of new admirers and after a week of doing this, maybe … just maybe they’ll all start to think twice before posting needless dribble.