OVER! The world as we know it

hipstepocalypse
Make sure to top off your chai
It’s time for hipsters to “get with it,” while there’s still an “it” to get with. This time “it’s” so rife with irony that “it’s” a super natural fit for a next hipster trend. We’re not going to sugar coat “it.” The “it” we speak of is the end of the world. Call it Armageddon, Ragnarok or the “end times,” it’s hot and here to stay! We actually thought that claims of the end of the world would have subsided after 12/21/12 Mayan calendar kerfuffle but it looks like we can’t leave well enough (or worst enough in this case) alone. Now NASA has funded a study by a power-hipster-nerd-tank called the National Socio-Environmental Synthesis Center (SESYNC) which predicts the end of our civilization, sooner, rather than later. The totally hip tsunami of irony starts kicking in when we realize that the end of time has been popular since the beginning of time. It’s called Millenarianism, or the “belief by a religious, social, or political group or movement in a coming major transformation of society, after which all things will be changed.” Some of our personal favorite apocalypticists have been the “Convulsionnaires of Saint-Médard” and “BabyMetal.” The point is that the world has always been ending, so roll with it. Case in point, according to the bible (quoting obscure and suppressed biblical goodies is always hip!) the site of the final battle at the end of time, Armageddon, is also the site of the very first “battle” ever recorded. How’s that for high level irony, hipster?

So how do we, the hip, respond to this heavy news? We prep of course! Now I know what you’re thinking … prepping, really? Like that horrible T.V. show with those idiots who accidentally shoot their thumbs off on air, and are doing everything they can to prepare for the Yellowstone Supervolcano to erupt yet they somehow still think it’s wise to live in Gardiner, Montana? No! Not like that. What we’re doing (as usual) is making a statement. What statement is that exactly? Simply that we are personally doing everything we can to limit our impact on mother earth (including reclaiming fossil fuels), yet now we’ve sort of given up hope in humanity’s future because dammit, most people don’t care and will never have a pedal powered RV or rescue chickens. So our only logical response is to prepare as best we can for the end while not compromising our awesome lifestyle. Prepping in general is another solid multi-trending opportunity because if you’ve been paying attention you should already be back-axing, farming, growing your own wheat, and even blacksmithing! Hell, 37% of what we’ve been training for is this very moment. The end!

One offshoot trend of this whole “we’re all going to die” thing that we haven’t covered is two preparedness items you should always have at ready. One is the classic “every day carry” (EDC) kit, the other is the uber-hot “bug out bag” (BOB). Your EDC should include at minimum a good multitool, a way of making fire, some cordage (calling it cordage is crazy-hot), and a communication device (you’re phone or pigeons). As for your BOB, this is what you keep in the trunk of your Prius or the back of your Honda Hobbit. You’ll want all the essentials to survive in the wild for at least three days. I’m not going to list out everything you need because resources abound, but make sure you at least have a can of the delicious superfood Hormel chili.

As with everything under the soon to be exploding sun, music goes with it if you’re hip. You’re retro boombox goes where you go and you usually go on public transportation or a bike to the vegan bistro or the farmer’s market. While on your way, in homage to our collective inevitable near-immediate demise don’t blare the obvious “The End of the World as We Know it.” REM, are you serious? Don’t even go for the slightly more obscure Prince power pop hit “1999.” Instead reach for the aptly grandiose anthem “The Final Countdown” by the under-appreciated supergroup Europe. After all, that’s exactly where we’re at right now. THE FINAL COUNTDOWN. We leave you with the lyrics for meditation and self reflection:

We’re leaving together,
But still it’s farewell
And maybe we’ll come back,
To earth, who can tell ?
I guess there is no one to blame
We’re leaving ground
Will things ever be the same again?

It’s the final countdown…

We’re heading for Venus and still we stand tall
Cause maybe they’ve seen us and welcome us all
With so many light years to go and things to be found
I’m sure that we’ll all miss her so.