Food Flash: Monovore Diet

Food is a central hub in hipster culture as everyone has to eat therefore everyone has to listen to you talk about what you eat. We’ve covered a lot of fad diets here at NHT, but it’s been awhile since we made the switch to paleo, and most people have heard of it and/or are doing it so it’s probably time to do something extremely different. After much thought we recommend becoming a monovore. What’s a monovore you ask? Never heard of it? Well that’s because I literally just made it up. Perfect.

It’s a simple concept really, you just pick a single food item and eat only that. Ever. It’s a great diet for NOW because people really admire strict diets that don’t allow for any incongruity. Now before you pick your one food … no cheating! You can’t say pizza or burritos because they are an amalgam of ingredients. It’s important that it is just one thing, even spice additions like the mainstays salt and pepper are off limits (unless you choose one of them as your only food source, but that will probably kill you in within a couple of days). I’m not going to limit your imagination by narrowing down just one suggestion (mine would be local, organic, grass fed, certified angus top-sirloin, medium rare, grilled), I invite you to be creative. A word of caution though, if you go with something with a lot of tannins you may physically take on the color of your food. I’m not a scientist, but I can say with relative certainty that in addition to being extremely gassy and generally unapproachable you will undoubtedly turn green if you only eat broccoli. If you dare select onions or any member of the allium family like the uber-hot leek you are either a complete fool or a hipster beyond even my soothsaying.

Just imagine the looks on your friend’s faces at the farmers market when they see you load two reclaimed pallets full of avocados into your Subaru. “What are you doing with all of those avocados?” Look at them quizzingly, and a bit disappointed. “I’m going to eat them.” Pause for effect. “Only them.” Their jaws will be on the floor. Within seconds the questions will come firing in from all sides (which you’ll love) … “Won’t you get sick?” “Can you do that?” “Don’t you miss ice cream?” “Will you actually die?” Awesome. Now you get to drone on for about 37 minutes about “the dangers of combining too many food resources into variety” and “your need to re-connect with the avocado.” As always, if you follow our tried and true suggestions you’ll be on the fast track to elite hipsterdom. A word of caution though, avoid any lame processed foods as your monochoice, as that is completely impossible, even if you don’t know why.