Churning up: Churning butter

Churn baby churn, hipster inferno
Churn baby churn, hipster inferno
Churning your own butter is a great idea right now for so many reasons. Hipsters love to prove to everyone that they’re not afraid of doing things the hard way. They need to do lots of work in order to output something they deem worthy of talking about. Running to the market and picking up a 4-pack of Land-o-Lakes is about the lamest thing someone can do. Once your butter is done you can bring it to a marketing meeting along with your self-made whole wheat bread and you’ll get to say things like “it’s the only way I can be sure about what I’m putting in my body.”

Step one is to have a friend with a local organic BPA-free free-range grass-fed milking cow. You should already have a friend like this is you’re any kind of semi-respectable hipster, but if you don’t you can always find one at Whole Foods co-op or the local feed store. Next, you will need to insist on milking the cow yourself. This will be something you can talk about a lot and animal husbandry is nuclear hot right now. Don’t just milk the cow sitting on an overturned plastic bucket. Be sure to use an antique vintage white oak milking stool. If your farmer friend doesn’t have one you can buy one or better yet build one and when you’re done take it back to your studio apartment as it will be an excellent conversation starter. “That’s an odd little chair over there in the corner.” “Oh, that’s not a chair, that’s my milking stool.” “Milking stool, really?” You’ll love this. Try to get someone to take Polaroid pictures of you milking the cow. You can have them on the wall near your milking stool. As for your growing hipster library, I’d recommend “Forgotten Arts and Crafts.” After you’ve harvested that sweet nipple nectar all that’s left to do is churn and reap the profits of hipster stardom at that marketing meeting.