Trending up: Bare footing

Shoes are for the normals
Shoes are for the normals
Summer is here, so kick off your shoes! Permanently. People will immediately notice that you’re not wearing any shoes when you saunter into the vegan free-cycling center with your self-harvested dandelion greens. They will ask you almost immediately why you’re not wearing shoes, which you’ll love, because you’ll be able to list about 37 reasons off the top of your head.

“Feet that have never worn shoes never exhibit problems such as bunions, corns, and ‘fallen arches’, as well as having a much reduced incidence of problems such as callouses,” you can deliver dryly as you look over the organic fair-trade ilama. “Walking barefoot enables a more natural gait, eliminating the hard heel strike and instead, allowing for a rocking motion of the foot from heel to toe,” you can drone on to the curious shoe-wearing onlookers.

Don’t bother with any sort of upkeep down there i.e. clipping your toenails or using a PedEgg. You’ll garner more legitimacy to your claim that you’d “never wear shoes” if your feet appear primal and caveman-esque. Eventually you’ll begin to develop naturally splayed toes, which is Fukushima-hot right now.

Don’t worry about those lame places with “no shirt, no shoes, no service signs,” “There are no state health codes that require customers to wear shoes,” you can snap back at the Starbucks barista as you proudly withdraw your Society for Barefoot Living card.

Whatever you do, don’t fall into the trap of buying or wearing barefoot sports shoes. They were over almost immediately and that one dude named Kevin who still drinks PBR and rides a fixed gear bike is currently wearing them. If you ever see that guy doing anything don’t do it! He’s like an OVER-detector.

I haven’t even scratched the surface on the religious implications of barefooting, but it’s our job to let you do some of your own research because researching things is always crazy-hot. Pick up Barefoot Walking: Free Your Feet to Minimize Impact, Maximize Efficiency, and Discover the Pleasure of Getting in Touch with the Earth, and make sure people see you reading it on some sort of public transportation. They will ask you about it and you’ll get to talk about it. That’s your favorite.