Put your shirt back on. No, seriously, put your shirt back on. Swimming is OVER. Look, I know it’s the middle of the summer but let’s face it … it’s impossible to look cool when you’re swimming. What kind of a loser aimlessly slaps thier stupid appendages against the water to remain buoyant?
Wait!! Maybe it’s not over … perhaps you can accessorize! That’s the only chance of resurrecting this tired to-do. If you must swim, get yourself some water wings, or at the very least a kickboard. To be ironic you can paint it with a micro-mural of David Hasselhoff doing some Baywatch-style beach-running. Sweet idea! Damn, I’m amazing. As we recommended only nine days ago, 1920’s era swimwear is a must. Avoid Ken and Barbie-esque flippers and/or snorkel. Every normal has gone snorkeling by now and there’s nothing even remotely discussion-worthy in the sad, sad waters of your local lake in comparison to the ocean coral reefs that many normals have undoubtedly explored.
The last thing you want is for anyone to confuse what you’re doing with the likes of Olympic mega-hero Micheal Phelps. I mean, sure, you’ll probably be stoned like him … but don’t even think of wearing swim goggles, unless it’s casual-wear like it was for Seth Green in “Can’t Hardly Wait.” You might be able to pull off a swim cap, but only if you make a point that you’re wearing it to be ironic. After all, they are brimless, and that’s top-tier hipster material.
Another important subject is HOW you should actually swim. Please don’t do an Australian crawl or an oft-overused elementary backstroke. Branch out into obscure strokes that nobody has heard of (that’s like our mantra, right) bust out the corkscrew, sometimes called the “newfie”, and wow the onlookers. “What’s he doing?!” they’ll say! It’s very effective at getting a lot of attention at the co-op’s free swim solstice parties. For ultimate conversation generation, other “hip” strokes include: Feet First Swimming (used to show off your latest pair of toe shoes) and the Combat Sidestroke. You can assert that you’re taking swimming back from the military industrial complex! You’re blowing their normal minds! You’ll love this.
The message here is simple. Try not to swim. If you can’t help your hipster-self make sure that you are loaded for bear with all sorts of notice-me. Be sure to apply insane amounts of sunblock and talk for at least 37 minutes of the danger of UV rays while you’re out there.