Sinking: Swimming

Put your shirt back on. No, seriously, put your shirt back on. Swimming is OVER. Look, I know it’s the middle of the summer but let’s face it … It’s impossible to look cool when you’re swimming. What kind of a loser slaps his stupid appendages against water to remain buoyant?

Wait!! Maybe it’s not over … perhaps you can accessorize if there’s any chance of resurrecting this tired to-do. If you must swim, get yourself some water wings, or at the very least a paddle board. To be ironic you can paint it with a micro-mural of David Hasselhoff doing some Baywatch-style beach-running. Sweet idea! As we recommend only six days ago, 1920’s era swimwear is a must. Avoid Ken and Barbie-esque flippers and/or snorkel. Every normal has gone snorkeling by now and there’s nothing even remotely discussion worthy in the sad, sad waters of your loc