Recreation Realm: Paddleboarding vs. Mudrunning

Nice touch with the dog, but he needs to step up his game
Nice touch with the dog, but he needs to step up his game
“Just getting outside and doing something” seems to be a big hit this summer, so don’t just stare blankly on Monday morning in the marketing scrum when Jordan asks you how you spent your weekend. You need to be prepared to wow them with your physicality and uniqueness. Get out there and do something that only the nifftiest of the nift are doing. Why not try your hand at paddleboarding or mudrunning? (Doing both on the same weekend is preferred.) Unfortunately both of them have reached critical cool-mass and are in danger of becoming OVER! Does this mean it’s time to abandon them altogether? No way! They are way too unique and fun to talk about to stop doing. Plus, you love to post pictures on Facebook of you doing these semi-extreme things. The solution is to come up with some sort of bizarre twist to add on to them in order to capitalize on that sweet, sweet hipster cred.

For example, you can still go paddleboaring, but whenever you do make sure to wear an antique victorian vintage 1920’s “Sears Roebuck” cut-out wool swimsuit. That should be enough to separate you from the random Ken’s and Barbie’s that are out there paddling. Everybody remembers those pictures of Jennifer Aniston nervously balancing on her paddleboard back in 2009. The last thing you want is for anybody to think you’re anything like Jennifer Aniston. The 1920’s swimwear coupled with the hard-not-to-notice fact that you’re also at voyage with a full armada of self-made reclaimed wood rafts towing your rescue chickens should do the trick.

To spruce up mud runs you should do something none of the other runners are hardcore or cool enough to be doing. Get your friend Theo to agree to let you carry him on your back like Luke did with Yoda. Lesser hipsters who are doing the race “just carrying themselves” will marvel at your toughness and originality. If you can’t find a friend to tote you could fireman carry a large pine log you harvested with your always-ready Scandinavian felling axe ala Rocky training in Russia.

Another possibility is to multi-trend. Combine both semi-stale trends to form a new supertrend: mudboarding! Never heard of it? Me neither! Perfect! It’s pretty simple really, find some public place with an abundance of mud (the swamp in front of Walmart?) and paddleboard in it. People will look at you and wonder what you’re doing. It doesn’t get any better than that.

If none of these ideas get you excited I’m not sure what else I can do to help you. The point here is that higher-level hipsters are able to breathe new life into just about any trend. Go ahead, ask me to make pet rocks and hypercolor shirts cool again, I dare you. I dare you.