Pumping Up: Air Sex
Finally the perfect hipster response to the media induced, hyper sexualized, bio hazard, look but don’t touch zeitgeist that is modern sexuality. With all the genderblending, advertising revenue generating, and acceptably main-stream deviance that is mercilessly thrust upon us daily, hipsters are truly caught between a rock, and a hard place. Thankfully we can always trust the Japanese to come up with some bizarre and intriguing re-interpretation of a seemingly minor facet of western culture and present it back at us as an exciting new trend.
Rooted in equal parts of the olympian level bar ritual contest of air guitar, and the perpetual social disparity between the sexual “haves and have nots”, air sex is quickly becoming the logical choice for hipsters who want it all. Just like air guitar, air sex is all the bravado, heroic posturing, quick finger movements and afterwards accolades with out having to have any real skill. Now the guys in Japan who do it are into the public display aspects (PDA) of air sex. The modern American hipster is not (on the surface at least) interested the quick fame boost of some temporal gyrations on stage at the airport commuter lounge. They are into artisinally crafted, high value and “genuine” romance. Hipster air sex is more earnest and awkward.
Start by lots of posts on social media about your need to “feel more” and your “soul ache.” The other hipsters from the free-thinkers meeting will ask firstly, if you’re ok and secondly, what is a soul … you’ll love this. Then, later in the meeting after 37 minutes when you’re planning for the next spaghetti monster action, you begin. Rolling your head on you shoulders is a good start. You’ve probably not had real sex yet, like the guys in Japan, but dont worry, we’re all individuals so they will accept your interpretive movements. Start to moan softly like you’re enjoying some artisinal chocolate. Rub the tops of your thighs with the flat of your hands. Enjoy it because this is the last time you will actually touch yourself. AIR SEX IS NOT MASTURBATION! Now stand. Feet shoulder width apart. This is where the pelvic thrusting begins and our instructions stop. This is a family site and we expect you to freestyle this, just know you can do it and, just like air guitar, too much is never enough.
After you’ve performed the final sequence, entitled “petite mort faux”, stand, dust yourself off and ask Kevin for a stick of gum.