Author: Chris B

Now: Navigating the The 90’s

Seeing as all the hip 5th through 12th grade kids just love anything to do with the 1980’s, NHT almost decided to pull the plug on any regurgitation of the 90’s before it has a chance to take hold. Personally, the importance of this really became apparent when I heard “Mambo No. 5” being used to sell shit on TV from search engines to tires and party favors. I was convinced then that I had been put on this earth and taught how to use wordpress for one purpose, kill the undead 90’s before it was too late. Hey Hipsters, Just because it happened in the past, doesn’t make automatically worth adopting now. And, if that’s the case, start with something really arcane and important like Ramasid genealogy or long division. Those of us who suffered through the 90’s (and 80’s … and um before during the stone ages) can tell you … it was awkward and just as fake as today is. Actually a bit more fake because people in the 90’s were really into the 60’s. But, if you must get all “90’s” at least do it right.

Your first thought might be to go buy some flannel. Don’t! Every other hipster throw-back will be doing this. Instead wear hypercolor t-shirts, get a whole crap load of friendship totems from the head shop. Ask the old Emo dude at the counter to ask the geriatric manager (who is from the 90’s) to dig out the rasta-bracelets from the closet and sell you ALL of them. Put on as many as you can, leave the ends fraying. Next, hackysack all the time. If you want to be “connected”, get a pager. You can set up a RasberryPi to send you odd ass numeric “pages” that you have stop screen printing band posters and make a land line phone call to deal with. The other hipsters will ask what that loud buzzy thing is, you’ll love this.

We can’t discuss the 90’s without talking about Kurt Cobain, but DONT! If the other hipsters begin to query you about it, look down, show them your palm and say … “not ready.” Instead, bring up Dave Mathews and Midnight Oil saying “in the 90’s, the walls really came down” then, Bend over and start pumping the bladder on your shoes.

Now: Navigating the The 90’s

screech!

screech!

Seeing as all the hip 5th through 12th grade kids just love anything to do with the 1980’s, NHT almost decided to pull the plug on any regurgitation of the 90’s before it has a chance to take hold. Personally, the importance of this really became apparent when I heard “Mambo No. 5” being used to sell shit on TV from search engines to tires and party favors. Hey Hipsters, Just because it happened in the past, doesn’t make automatically worth adopting now. And, if that’s the case, start with something really arcane and important like Ramasid genealogy or long division. Those of us who suffered through the 90’s (and 80’s … and um before during the stone ages) can tell you it was just as awkward and fake as today is. Actually a bit more fake because people in the 90’s were really into the 60’s. But, as many of the icons that have formed hipster culture began in the 90’s, cooler heads on the NHT editorial board prevailed so, if you must get all “90’s” at least do it right.

Your first thought might be to go buy some flannel. Don’t! Every other hipster throw-back will be doing the grunge thing, steer clear you are beyond that — you read Next Hipster Trend!. Instead wear hypercolor t-shirts and get a whole crap load of friendship totems from the head shop. Ask the old Emo dude at the counter to ask the geriatric manager (who actually is from the 90’s) to dig out the rasta-bracelets from the closet and sell you ALL of them. Put on as many as you can, leave the ends fraying. Next, hackysack all the time. If you want to be “connected” ala 90’s, get a pager. You can set up a RasberryPi to send you odd ass numeric “pages” that you have stop screen printing band posters and make a land line phone call to deal with. The other hipsters will ask what that loud buzzy thing is, you’ll love this.

Advanced 90’s throwback hipters are encouraged to sport proudly Zubaz, this was their day. Casually saunter into the next wooden box making class meeting, roll out your chisel set and marvel at the astonished faces. Grabbing a 5″ bench mallet, you can gesture to your saggy and baggy pleated knickers and say with aplomb, “It’s Hammer Time!”

We can’t discuss the 90’s without talking about Kurt Cobain, but DONT! If the other hipsters begin to query you about it, look down, show them your palm and say … “not ready.” Instead, bring up Dave Mathews and Midnight Oil saying “in the 90’s, the walls really came down” then, Bend over and start pumping the bladder on your shoes.

Now: Navigating the The 90’s

screech!

screech!

Seeing as all the hip 5th through 12th grade kids just love anything to do with the 1980’s, NHT almost decided to pull the plug on any regurgitation of the 90’s before it has a chance to take hold. Personally, the importance of this really became apparent when I heard “Mambo No. 5” being used to sell shit on TV from search engines to tires and party favors. Remember, Just because it happened in the past, doesn’t make automatically worth adopting now. And, if that’s the case, start with something really arcane and important like Ramasid genealogy or long division. Those of us who suffered through the 90’s (and 80’s … and um before during the stone ages) can tell you it was just as awkward and fake then as it is today. Actually a bit more fake because people in the 90’s were really into the 60’s. But, as many of the icons that have formed hipster culture began in the 90’s, cooler heads on the NHT editorial board prevailed so, if you must get all “90’s”, at least do it right.

Your first thought might be to go buy some flannel. Don’t! Every other hipster throw-back will be doing the grunge thing, steer clear you are beyond that — you read Next Hipster Trend!. Instead wear hypercolor t-shirts and get a whole crap load of friendship totems from the head shop. Ask the old Emo dude at the counter to ask the geriatric manager (who actually is from the 90’s) to dig out the rasta-bracelets from the closet and sell you ALL of them. Put on as many as you can, leave the ends fraying. Next, hackysack all the time. If you want to be “connected” ala 90’s, get a pager. You can set up a RasberryPi to send you odd ass numeric “pages” that you have stop screen printing band posters and make a land line phone call to deal with. The other hipsters will ask what that loud buzzy thing is, you’ll love this.

Advanced 90’s throwback hipters are encouraged to sport proudly Zubaz, this was their day. Casually saunter into the next wooden box making class meeting, roll out your chisel set and marvel at the astonished faces. Grabbing a 5″ bench mallet, you can gesture to your saggy and baggy orange zebra-striped and pleated knickers saying with aplomb, “It’s Hammer Time!”

We can’t discuss the 90’s without talking about Kurt Cobain, but DONT! If the other hipsters begin to query you about it, look down, show them your palm and say … “not ready.” Instead, bring up Dave Mathews and Midnight Oil saying “in the 90’s, the walls really came down” then, Bend over and start pumping the bladder on your shoes.

Now: Navigating the The 90’s

screech!

The A.C. Slater look has serious potential

Presently all of the hip 5th through 12th graders just love anything to do with the 1980’s, seeing the writing on the wall that stuff from 30 years ago is generally regarded as hip, NHT almost decided to pull the plug on any regurgitation of the 90’s before it has a chance to take hold. Personally, the importance of this really became apparent when I heard “Mambo No. 5” being used to sell shit from search engines to tires to effing party favors on TV . Remember, just because it happened 30 years ago doesn’t make it automatically worth adopting now. If you’re going to navigate these waters do some research first. Watch as much “Saved by the Bell” as possible. I don’t care if you’ve already seen the iconic caffeine pill freak-out episode 37 times, watch it 37 more. Elizabeth Berkley delivers an oscar (or at least day-time emmy) worthy performance that got every teen to consider the serious implications of crippling caffeine abuse. Also on the must-see list is the film that defined the generation: Can’t Hardly Wait. The ensemble cast of Jennifer Love Hewitt, Ethan Embry, and Seth Green isn’t the only reason to revisit this gem. You’re looking for hot fashion trends. YES! Swim goggles! Genius! You’re doing homework here. Awesome homework.

Those of us who suffered through the 90’s (and 80’s … and, um before that the stone ages) can tell you it was just as awkward and fake then as it is today. Actually it was a bit more fake because people in the 90’s were really into the 60’s. But, many of the icons that have formed hipster culture began in the 90’s, so it’s inevitable that all things 90’s will be lava-hot within a year or so.

Your first thought might be to go buy some flannel shirts. Don’t! Every other hipster throw-back will be doing the grunge thing, steer clear, you are beyond that — you read Next Hipster Trend! Instead wear hypercolor shirts and get a whole crap load of friendship totems from the head shop. Ask the old Emo dude at the counter to ask the geriatric manager (who actually is from the 90’s) to dig out the rasta-bracelets from the closet and sell you ALL of them. Put on as many as you can, leave the ends fraying. Next, hackysack 24/7. If you want to be “connected” ala 90’s, get a pager. This is a nice twist on no-phoning. You can set up a RasberryPi to send you odd-ass numeric “pages” that have you stop screen printing band posters and make a land line phone call to deal with. The other hipsters will ask what that loud buzzy thing is, you’ll love this.

Advanced 90’s throwback hipters are encouraged to proudly sport Zubaz! Casually saunter into the next wooden box making class meeting. After you flip the chair around and sit backwards ala A.C. Slater at the Max, roll out your chisel set and marvel at the astonished faces. Grabbing a 5″ bench mallet, you can gesture to your saggy and baggy orange zebra-striped and pleated knickers saying with aplomb, “STOP – Hammer Time!”

We can’t discuss the 90’s without talking about Kurt Cobain, but DON’T! If the other hipsters begin to query you about it, look down, show them your palm and muster … “not ready.” Instead, bring up Dave Mathews and Midnight Oil saying “in the 90’s, the walls really came down.” Then, bend over and start pumping the bladder on your shoes.

UpSock

Cycling up: Pedal-Powered RVs

This Chinese gentleman is way ahead of us.

This Asian gentleman is way ahead of us.

Camping is and always will be thermite-hot for the hipster legions. What better way to let everyone know that you’re in touch with nature yet maintain the rustic qualities of your great, great grandfather than spending the night like a homeless person in the middle of the wilderness. Backpacking with minimal supplies has long been an upper echelon activity of top-tier, short-brimmed hipsters; especially if it involves canoes or even better, kayaks. Alas, as many hipsters approach middle age; backs are beginning to ache, and the taste of trail-mix no longer appeals to our bone-marrow slurping refined palettes. Hell, not even an entire bag of straight peanut M&Ms are enough to motivate us to go camping anymore. So, what to do? Do this! Build yourself a quasi-vintage pedal-powered RV!

You’re probably asking yourself … “what the hell is he talking about?” Perfect. Nobody has heard of this because I literally just made it up. Look, the country club yuppies just go out and buy a new Winnebago when they get a hankering for exploring the great outdoors. You don’t want to be anything like them. Well, you do in that you want to be protected from the elements by more than a .05mm piece of made in China* nylon that is only waterproof in the sense that it’s not at all waterproof. But your similarities end there, thank god. So what am I talking about? I’m talking about making a personal RV around a bike frame. Crazy? Not so fast, just follow this tutorial and you’ll be the talk of the KOA in no time.

First off you’ll need a sturdy vintage bike. Anything but a Schwinn will do, Schwinns are OVER, every hipster and their sibling have scoured Craigslist for all the stick shifting Stingrays long ago and parted them out to sucker wanna-be Kevin-level hipsters for quick beard wax cash, don’t go there. Higher trendtron points points are always rewarded for obscurity. Why not try to procure something of Dutch origin, like a Hollandia Oma? Next you’ll need some basic welding skills. Frankly at this stage in the game you should be well prepared for this and are probably already smelting your own iron and forging your own steel. I’ll assume you know your way around a welding torch and have advanced engineering skills for the remainder of this article. If you don’t, hell, I’m not going to hold your hand. Even the lord of all hipsters, Bob Dylan, knows how to weld. Get down to the public library (the Internet is for sheep) and read up on it. Consider this tough love. You’ll thank me later. Build a frame around the bike with plenty of room for a bed in back and a kitchen in the front. Next, the walls and ceiling. You may want to skip the reclaimed wood on this one as you’ll want it to be sturdy when you’re cycling your portable habitat up the interstate (in the left lane of course to promote bicycle awareness). Please don’t just get some almond hued aluminum siding and make this thing look like a freaking Coachman. It’s imperative that it looks like it’s from the 1950’s. 1954 would be ideal because it doesn’t yet resemble anything about 1960. Here’s a quick google image search to give you concept and design ideas.

Now that you’ve completed your eye-turner, on to the good part, turning eyes!!! “Whoa, cool!!!” normals, and far more importantly, hipsters will gasp. “Is that a bike inside of there? That’s awesome!” Don’t acknowledge them, they will follow you like the pied piper to your campsite. Pull up smugly and level your mobile domicile with a multitude of configurable articulating arms, a.k.a. kickstands. Exit your tram of one and continue to ignore them as you crank your pop-outs and prep your kitchen for a quick vegan zucchini-only BBQ. Now that your set up is ready, finally make eye contact with the hordes of gobsmacked adoring onlookers. “I just think that we all need to consider more sustainable means of transport and recreation,” you can dismissively mutter. “I mean, (gaze over at the nearest Jayco Eagle 312), just look at that thing, what does that thing get for gas mileage? .5 mile per gallon?” They will be eating from your hand. You’ve showed them all the errors of their ways, again, even if you don’t know why.

Note: Advanced hipster options for this trend include but are in no way limited (we have no limits) to: Airstream emulations, side cars, fixed-gear RV bikes (hot), bicycles built for two, bicycles built for six to nine, unicycle RVs, etc. Move on this NOW!

*NHT Does NOT endorse child labor of any kind.

Scorching MetaTrend: Anything Old Timey

We here at NHT sometimes like to step back and try and spot the trends in our trends, it gets us all scotch-bonnet hot when we are able to see a major trend influencer from the 30,000 foot level becuase we’re so often in the trend trench, mustache wax under our finger nails, that we miss the big picture. For quite some time we’ve been talking about this meta-trend from many different angles. Music, Books, Food and even sun glasses that might fit over other glasses, we’ve seen how things that your grandpa and grandma did or liked are a central component in many hipster trends. Is it a harkening back to simpler times? Is it a total lack of original thoughts or ideas? As we all know, it’s probably both. Yes hipsters love nothing more than buttoning on the suspenders, starching the collar and heading out to folk dance in the community center, it makes them feel like they’re in the TV shows they grew up with. And that’s OK, remember, the gods gave us television to show us how we should want to live and if hipsters want it to be the Hallmark channel, that’s just “Honkey Dorey.

Scorching MetaTrend: Anything Old Timey

bridge club

farting dust is all the rage

We here at NHT sometimes like to step back and try and spot the trends in our trends, it gets us all scotch-bonnet hot when we are able to see a major trend influencer from the 30,000 foot level because we’re so often in the trend trench, mustache wax under our finger nails, that we miss the big picture. For quite some time we’ve been talking about this serious meta-trend from many different angles. Music, Books, Food and even sun glasses that might fit over other glasses, we’ve seen how things that your grandpa and grandma did or liked are a central component in many hipster trends. Is it a harkening back to simpler times or is it a total lack of original thoughts and ideas? As we all know, it’s probably both. Yes hipsters love nothing more than buttoning on the suspenders, starching the collar and heading out to folk dance in the community center, it makes them feel like they’re in the TV shows they grew up with. And that’s OK, because remember, the gods gave us television to show us how we should want to live and if hipsters want it to be the Hallmark channel, that’s just “Honkey Dorey.” Awareness of this really hit me last weekend when I was invited to become part of a weekly bridge club. Now remember, being invited to any kind of single themed “club” that meets at someone’s home or apartment is the highest honor a hipster can bestow on anyone. It started with books and knitting but now, hipsters being the eternal seekers, it’s moved into artisinal pastimes like pickling and candle making. While there are many examples of how to adopt old timey ways, we’re going to focus on the ancient realm of geriatric table games.

To be clear, this does NOT include board games, especially ones involving miniatures or small cardboard “chits.” Games like Settlers of Catan, Stratego, Power Grid or any of the Avalon Hill series of bookshelf games are so proto hip that they too far out on the hipster horizon for any but the most advanced bleeding edge hipsters, leave these to the Nerdsters for a bit longer, but keep your eyes on this soon to be emerging trend.

If you want to really ride the Oldey train, which is steam powered of course, it’s time to hit the deck, the card deck that is. Nothing has the dusty reek of times gone-by like any of the Whist based games like Wendellhead, Tarneeb and Contract Bridge. If you haven’t been so lucky, like me, to have been invited to an already existing card coven of bridge playing hipsters, you’ll have to get one going yourself. This is good, because this will give you a chance to prepare in advance and do some self promotion, you will love this. Advertise with a poster, hand screened of course, designed by your graphic designer friend. Have the little tear off parts of the poster take interested hipsters to a blog you’ve already made to post images and scores and crap. Next require that all players in your uber-exclusive bridge club, called the “Tricksters” read Hoyle’s “A Short Treatise on the Game of Whist.” It was published in 1743, if that isn’t Olde Timney-ey enough to be impressive, your friends are not hipsters, they’re D&D players. Get as far away from those loser nerds as possible. Now, you wont be playing Whist, so just claim that they have to “understand our roots.” The most important item of a good bridge game night is the table. It’s got to smell like your grandma. The next time you’re at an estate sale, which is like every Sunday morning, find the moldiest smelling folding table and chairs you can. It’s got to smell like cologne from the 50’s. Wrap it in plastic so the moment you pull it out at Bridge club night it sends a waft of stale baby powder and Milk of Magnesia at your assembled gamers. And so, your adventure into the hipster dementia domain begins. Enjoy, you’ll be here for years … and years.

Shooting up: Deer Camp Hopping

let’s hunt

Picture this: You wake up to an old fashioned bell alarm at 5:00am with a splitting headache. You stare blankly across the bunkhouse at the camp table with at least four empty bottles of “Canadian Hunter” whiskey, beer cans, cribbage boards, and stale cheese and sausage. Theo is passed out on the floor by the woodstove. You wonder where you are for a second and remember that you’re in Northwestern Wisconsin (whoa), and you’ve been deer camp hopping. At first it doesn’t sound all that appealing. Good, I wanted to start with the worst part of deer camp, because it’s all nothing but awesome from here! Book your vacation right now for this coming Friday, because that’s the day before gun deer hunting opener. If you’re hesitating I’ll prod you with this proof that this trend is truly hot right now. Need more, fine. And if you want to do some actual hunting you have the option. Think about it. Are deer free range? YES! Are they local? YES! Are they cage-free? YES! Are they organic? OH HELL YES!

You don’t have to hunt, or even know anything about hunting to go deer camp hopping, just show up at any country bar in Wisconsin this Friday around noon and start talking turkey… er deer. Practice your yer accent on the trip up to mimic the local dialects. This phrase can get you a out of a lot of sticky situations if you pronounce everything correctly, so get it down . “Ya, soorry dere, oops.”

Before you hit up the bar we must address an important issue. Apparel. Don’t go near the country wearing hollister blaze orange skinny jeans, or even your favorite Wollrich chamois shirt, you need to go authentic. Get to a Goodwill and find an almost worn out pair of oversized wool pants, a hooded sweatshirt with some random local company’s name on it, a blaze orange jacket, and a whole bunch of warm stuff. Don’t forget to “Back Axe“, you’ve been waiting for this since you had that thing hand crafted by the local artisinal axe crafter. The one new purchase I would advise is one of these hats. It will be a good conversation starter because people will notice that it’s new and ask you about it. Also, note the short brim. Classic.

Once you’re properly dressed and speaking the language getting invited to various camps shouldn’t be much of an issue. Just buy some beers at the bar, play some classic rock or early country on the jukebox, and get ready to live. Within about 5 minutes somebody will start talking about camp or going back to camp. As soon a you hear that buy two cases of Miller High Life off sale for the road. Order loudly so they can hear you. “Hey, you wanna come to our camp” some enormous man wearing bibs will bellow as he sees the cases of beer slide across the bar top. “Sure!” You’re in.

You and your posse Ike, Theo, and Matilda (never go alone) will then follow a rusted ford f-150 4×4 with supercab and long box down a labyrinthine corridor of logging roads and gravel pits. Make sure Matilda enables breadcrumbs on her concealed iPhone’s GPS before you leave the blacktop. Crack a roady as your new friends in the pickup will certainly be enbibing and will out you as imposters if you don’t toss at least one empty beer car out your window. After about 30 minutes you will pull in to the camp! This place has it all! Sauna, woodstove, rustic furniture, deer mounts on the wall, dirty magazines, bunks, woodstove, outhouse, sink. You’ll get to learn the ways of the woods and hear tales of hunts from years past. Stroke your beard as some insanely drunk dude tells you about the time he drove his truck off the highway into the Brule river, “shake the hand that shook the Brule!” he’ll holler as his extends his sand paper tough hand for a shake. Later, around the fire, whip out your back axe and stare menacingly at Theo. The other hunters will stop singing along with sweet home Alabama playing on WNXR-FM from Iron River and grin, eyes alight with drink and fire, as you slowly walk over to him and swing, quickly shaving a few long curly ribbons of bark off the white birch stump he’s sitting on to use to floss some sausage bits from your teeth. Other than that, try not to talk too much, just let the action come to you, you won’t be disappointed.

If you do plan on doing any actual hunting make sure you drink as much water as possible at around 2am when most of your new comrades are passed out. You’ll need to be hydrated for what’s ahead. Make sure you have a license of course, you don’t want to end up like these idiot hipsters. For your first outing I’d recommend sitting in a tree stand all day with only a sandwich and a gallon of apple cider. The guys will recognize you as hardcore if you do and that will lead to them telling people about it at the bar that night, which will lead to invites from other deer camps to hop. All of this assumes you can hold your liquor of course. If you shoot a deer be sure to field dress it with the biggest knife you can conceivably carry, this is another item which is an important status symbol and may even earn you an endearing redneck nickname like “toothpick.”

With your quarry you will host several BBQ dinner parties back home in Northeast Minneapolis and perhaps more importantly you will be able to re-purpose bone, skin, and antlers into countless items which will cause people to ask you about them and you will get to tell them about deer camp. Advanced hipsters will certainly make some ear plugs from the antlers. Flora will swoon as you tell her about your friend PeeWee in Wisconsin who can shotgun a beer in less than a second, and relive the tale of the 16-pointer that stupid Waldo missed back in ’91 (the year of that huge October snow).

TRENDFLASH: Monocules are OVER!

Thanks to one of our readers “Enoch” (whoa, awesome name), it has been confirmed that monocles are OVER! The effing New York Times has an article about them so get yours off your face stat before that one barista you have a crush on sees you. Just think of Werner Klemperer from Hogan’s Heros and you’ll get the picture. Possible replacements include but are in no way limited to: eyepatch, Ben Franklin glasses, quadfocals, dual eyepatch, binoculars, shutter shades, blue blockers, that thing that LeVar Burton has on his eyes on Star Trek, jeweler’s loupe, actual eye removal.

What ever you do, DO NOT wear sun glasses that might fit on the top or over other glasses. People who make these type of glasses for blocking sun, which are large enough to be worn covering other glasses are a touchy bunch of trademark trolling mofos who will sue your ass for even mentioning them or their trademarked products. We have the cease and desist to prove it. Again, do NOT purchase eye coverings which block sun and are large enough to fit or allow you to wear other glasses at the same time.

LOSER!

LOSER!