Foot in Mouth: Toe Shoes

toe-shoes-hipsters

The makers of the those stupid five-toed freakshow shoes, (you know the ones that your anthropologist friend Cedric likes to wear when he’s “dancing about his problems” in his commune’s barn loft), have a little problem. A problem of the class-action variety.

They wrongly made claims about the “health benefits” of their foot-gloves. We saw this running up a mile away as those things were OVER before the plastic on first one ever made cooled. Now, this conversely flies in the face of toe socks which for some strange reason are trending up right now.

Chin Up: Phararoh Beards

King Tut himself, sooo hip
King Tut himself, sooo hip

With all the recent media attention on hipsters and beards, we feel it’s imperative to assist our dear readers how to stay ahead of the pack. As reported on CNN and other news outlets, it seems that there are hipsters who may want to join in by sporting a manly turn of the century chin coif but who also have, at best, a spotty ability to sprout the requisite he-mat of wiry cheek tuft. These sad sacks are turning to plastic surgeons to implant hair (from their ass?) to fill out their hipster face mane. Face it (ha), filling in your non-beard with an eyebrow pencil isn’t going to pass the prying eyes of your friends down at the co-op. So assuming you can’t afford an $8,500 plastic surgery bill as your parent’s money would be better spent on non-prescription eyewear and oil paints, what to do? Do this: make yourself an ancient Egyptian false beard!

It is well known that the Egyptians were meticulous groomers, shaving all facial hair, including eyebrows (hot). Yet images of countless hieroglyphs and statues clearly show long cylindrical beards jutting from the faces of the ancients. They did this to show devotion to Ra (Ra worship is a potential side-trend here, if you’re feeling aggressive). Ladies, you’re not left out of this one because even Queen Hatshepsut is depicted wearing a false beard secured by a cord for parties. Make sure you read up on the history of all of this while you’re riding on some sort of public transportation. Certainly once you start wearing your false beard, the questions will pour in (which you’ll love), so you’d better be prepared to enlighten your followers with plenty of information about your customs. “False beards are documented on the Narmer palette as early as the Predynastic period,” you can drone flatly as the onlookers study your intricate, hand-plaited, faux-beard. Then cap it by launching into a recitation of the “42 Negative Confessions listed in the Papyrus of Ani.” The resulting wild flailing of your false chin beard will mesmerize them.

Alright, on to arts and crafts time … how to make your false pharaoh beard! Don’t over think this. Start with a toilet paper roll (advanced hipsters use a paper towel roll), and commence with the decorating. Just about anything shiny will do, but if you want to do this right you’ll need to add wads of papier-mâché to sculpt a natural look. You could just glue some foil from a Cadbury wrapper on the thing but some gold spray paint will really make it pop (no huffing, NOT A TREND). Assuming you already own a bedazzler from your side shoe-decorating business, use it to encrust it with some jewels. All that’s left to do now is to form and fit it to your cleanly shorn face (remember to remove your eyelashes too, we can’t stress this enough) and adhere it to your chin with some cordage or fuzzy pipe cleaners left over from your briar pipe smoking phase. Once you get this done, save the workspace because you’re gonna Etsy the crap out of this trend.

As soon as the paint is dry, stride into the vegan bistro with confidence, stand in the door way, arms crossed across your chest and chin thrust out. You are a god, you are a king, you are Hipster-hotep, social media intern and you wear a pharaoh beard, even if you don’t know why.

Holding Steady: Coffee.

Keffe, kaffe, java, mud. Joe. Crank case oil.

Face it, coffee will always be hip, unless you’re Mormon.

While we are still recovering from the whole Starbucks craze, smaller and more specialized shops are beginning to take their place on the thoroughfares and in the empty storefronts of emerging Americana…and it’s become such a trend that even Starbucks has taken notice, even adding a “blonde” roast to their line of homogenous offerings.

These little start ups are being run by a fairly eclectic cross section of proprietors. Some have been in the industry for a while, and some just got the itch to try something new, and are slowly changing the face of American coffee…gone are blends with silly names. Now it’s single origins from countries you’d never expect with estate names you can’t possibly hope to pronounce, roasted on itty bitty machines.

A more recent trend, borne out of the “third wave” movement could be considered the “fourth wave,” or the practice of growing your own coffee trees, harvesting, and ultimately roasting your own beans. This is of course after you’ve caught on to the newly trending kitchen microfarm…you’ll be on the absolute cutting edge of hipness by owning your own micro plantation. For an added element of cool, try roasting your coffee one bean at a time,

Chopping up: Back axing

hipsteraxe
The urban lumberjack, ready for anything

The normals are into carrying pocket knives and multi-tools, so what does a hipster do to really separate themselves from the flock? Carry a large Scandinavian forest axe on their back at all times of course!

Axes have been hot amongst a select group of urban lumberjacks for the last year or so, but this trend isn’t even close to reaching it’s full potential. Until you see that one dude named Kevin who still drinks PBR and rides a fixed gear bike sporting an axe you can wear yours with pride. Don’t just waltz into Wal-Mart and grab a fiberglass handled fiskars or worse yet a Bear Grylls survival hatchet with nylon sheath. Make sure you buy one that was hand forged by a local artisan. Bonus points if you make your own handle from native organic free-range hickory, or better yet ironwood.

What will you say when people ask you about your axe? (and you know they will, which you’ll love). “Why am I carrying an axe? Perhaps a better question is why aren’t you?”

OVER! Parrots

parrotListen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society
all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf-life will do.

OVER! Parrots

parrotListen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf-life will do.

OVER! Parrots

parrotListen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf-life will do.

OVER! Parrots

parrotListen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf-life will do.

OVER! Parrots

parrotListen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf-life will do.

OVER! Parrots

parrotListen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf-life will do.