OVER! Parrots

parrotListen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf-life will do.

OVER! Parrots

parrotListen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf-life will do.

OVER! Parrots

parrotListen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf life will do.

OVER! Parrots

Don't.Listen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf life will do.

OVER! Parrots

Don't.
Don’t.
Listen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf life will do.

OVER! Parrots

parrotListen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf life will do.

OVER! Parrots

Listen, the first time we saw you walk into the dive bar with that Scarlet Macaw on your shoulder, you were the hippest thing on the planet. “How long have you owned him?” we asked. And you replied with an air of aloofness, “Oh, I don’t own him. I don’t believe one species can own another. Camus is his own sentient being who just happens to live on my shoulder.” At that point, we were crawling over each other to light your Parliament and buy you a can of Old Style.

But that was yesterday. Today, we see that squawking beast for what it is: a mangy nuisance. He’s always taking your glasses off and throwing them on the floor, and even you are tired of this once-cute act. All your vests and band tees are stained down the back from his liquid siftings. And remember that time he bit Milo on the adam’s apple? That was a bad scene to say the least.

Unfortunately, those things live to be like 150 years old. We realize you probably had dreams of one day passing it down to your grandchildren, but you need to scrap that idea and Craigslist that thing immediately. You can philosophize about the place of pets in our society all you want, but your reputation is at stake here. Eighty-six the bird, get some new tees, and if you miss the companionship, go get a snake or something. Get a descented skunk. Anything with a shorter shelf life will do.

Trending Down: Body Hair

Ah, nice and smooth
Ah, nice and smooth
Whether you’re a hipster dude sprouting a righteous tuft from the valley of your v-neck tee, or a hipster babe sporting a set of musky eurotrash pits, body hair has historically made a lot of sense to the hipster aesthetic. Not only does it help express the lazy attitude of uncaring so important to hipster culture, but it also pisses off the plastic-smooth Ken and Barbie mainstream.

However, our sources indicate that those on the razor’s edge of hipsterdom have begun to do away with this most secondary of secondary sex characteristics. Perhaps further inspired by the eyebrow-shaving trend, perhaps branching out all on their own, hipsters from Williamsburg to Portland have started taking it down to the skin. So if you want to be ahead of the curve, step up and shave it off now.

You’ll want to avoid the spas and waxing salons, though. You really don’t want to be seen walking into one of those places. But just imagine ordering a cup of hot water at an outdoor cafe, then using it to lather up with a shaving brush and soap. You’ll really have their attention as you sharpen your straight razor on a leather barber’s strop before taking it to your legs and arms. Or, if you’re more into convenience, hit the thrift stores for a vintage Norelco electric, or better yet a 1970s-era Epilady, especially if you’re a guy. Break down the gender barrier and send the mainstream packing back to the suburbs, all in one quick swipe of the blade.

Trending Down: Body Hair

Ah, nice and smooth
Ah, nice and smooth
Whether you’re a hipster dude sprouting a righteous tuft from the valley of your v-neck tee, or a hipster babe sporting a set of musky eurotrash pits, body hair has historically made a lot of sense to the hipster aesthetic. Not only does it help express the lazy attitude of uncaring so important to hipster culture, but it also pisses off the plastic-smooth Ken and Barbie mainstream.

However, our sources indicate that those on the razor’s edge of hipsterdom have begun to do away with this most secondary of secondary sex characteristics. Perhaps further inspired by the eyebrow-shaving trend, perhaps branching out all on their own, hipsters from Williamsburg to Portland have started taking it down to the skin. So if you want to be ahead of the curve, step up and shave it off now.

You’ll want to avoid the spas and waxing salons, though. You really don’t want to be seen walking into one of those places. But just imagine ordering a cup of hot water at an outdoor cafe, then using it to lather up with a shaving brush and soap. You’ll really have their attention as you sharpen your straight razor on a leather barber’s strop before taking it to your legs and arms. Or, if you’re more into convenience, hit the thrift stores for a vintage Norelco electric, or better yet a 1970s-era Epilady, especially if you’re a guy. Break down the gender barrier and send the mainstream packing back to the suburbs, all in one quick swipe of the blade.