Rearing Up: Centauring It!

Serene and volatile, You too can Centaur this.
Serene and volatile, You too can Centaur this.

Perviously HWTNXT:HipsterTrends has advocated for animal proxies to become the standard bearers for the “nxt-of-times.” But, now, charging forward through the pillowy myths of time, comes the perfect totemic symbol for today, the Centaur! At once brash and barbarian, then pivoting to be wise and sensitive, the centaur is the perfect anthropomorphized icon for our troubled times. Think of being a centaur like having a super brash and “transbeast” way to respond to any challenge in life. Half human half horse, all business! Probably why the epicenter of interest is the Ukraine.

Not just the uncouth partiers of Percy Jackson, centaurs have come to represent the internal clash between our base instincts and cultured sensibilities, fertile stomping ground for a cutting edge hawtster like you. With the recent discovery of a habitable Earth like planet around Proxima Centauri, our nearest stellar neighbor only 4 light years away, the time of the the centaur has arrived.

How-to Hawt: When Bobertta (your ineffectual human manageress) decides it’s time for a punitive “performance review”, don’t cower under your cubicle tangled in ethernet and mouse cables in sweaty heaving, NO! Stand immediately forcefully shoving your throne ( ill fitting and inanely named task chair from Sweden ) back – allowing it to roll into Seth’s cubie across the way with authority. Then, reaching spread eagled with fingers out, take a chest exploding deep breath, stomp a nubby toe-boxed keens loafer down, SNORT and exclaim, “By the daughters of the Lapithae, it is time!” With a hearty whinny-laugh, do your best Churchill Downs pre-race clopping down the hallway to her office. Glance about as if you are returning from a battle. As centaurs always have one raised eyebrow, change them frequently during the review. Centaurs luxuriate in their chest hair, even female Centaurs, so don’t hold back, a medical grade comb can accentuate this. A true centaur would remember that this is their performance review, not the manager’s, so own it and know you’re HAWT!

On Point: Unicycle Archery

HWTNXT has been watching (and doing) archery for quite a while. With the popularity of Hunger Games, archery is now “Science Fashion” hawt . Now is the perfect time to trend blend it with the another hawt pursuit, and of course we choose the unicycle.

As evidenced by the video, we’re not alone. Mounted archery was a defining characteristic of the Eurasian nomads in antiquity and the “dandy horse” a fixture of poncy European aristocrats, this makes for a perfect one two punch for the modern Hawtster.

According to data provided by USA Archery, the sport’s governing body in the U.S., total membership in the association has jumped 262% from 2011 to 2014

How2Hawt: To honor the past, and take this into the future, we suggest the following.

First, spend a lot of money with Eryk Jadaszewski of polishhussarsupplyplus.com. When the HWTNXT office powerball pool hits, we’re buying this guy out and wearing this shit ALL THE FRIGGAN TIME. Must haves for unicycle archery are the Hussar Wing Sets and Bow and Arrow Cases.  We cannot stress enough how important Eryk’s work is to the future of re-enacting medieval Lithuania. This man must be supported in anything he does.

Dont ask, just do it!
Dont ask, just do it!

This focus on Polish Hussar mounted archery is not meant to diminish the rich tradition of Yabusame. But the religious component of modern Japanese mounted archery must be respected. We find winged Hussars to be somehow more “street.” The one homage we can pay however is the use of the Shinto phrase “In-Yo-In-Yo”, which translates to “darkness and light”, when an arrow is let fly.

So, as you roll up on the fire dance collective’s Equinox party practice, and proceed to empty your Hussar quiver into the side of their wooden supply cart full of accelerant and beads, gently balancing on one wheel while deeply intoning Japanese, you’ll gain fear, respect and admiration. Because you’ve just freaked out the freaky, and that’s HAWT.

Kill the Messenger: Revisionism v. Previsionism

Obligatory Photoshopping
Obligatory Photoshopping

At first, we thought this funny post would be about casting your favorite actor in your favorite movie … even if they were never in it originally. So, not that I’m a fan of The Sound of Music or Marylyn Manson, but the potential of having him replace Julie Andrews cavorting around the Alps wearing a drapery might somehow make SOM one of my new favorite films of all time, almost beating out Plan 9 from Outer Space.  Well, now it can be done! Then, as I watched the video, I became super disturbed. Especially when they had George Bush’s words coming from Hillary Clinton’s mouth which, frankly, looks and sounds less absurd than we had thought it might. The revisionist implications flooded me like a wall of ripe sewage. Umm … recasting movies … no problem .. fun! I can see this becoming a HAWT new PS4 thing to do at parties. The contest becomes to pick a movie and then pic non-sequitur actors .. all fun .. ironic .. Wizard of Oz: The Next Generation with Data as Tin Man …

A truly hipster evening! But then I began to think how this could be used to change the past, or even the present. BTW, as a result of this post I came up with what I thought was a new word. 

“Previsionism.” The process of changing facts before they exist was actually coined by Edwardo Crum, on the 25th of October, 2012 whilst he was minding his own business sipping some coffee.

Anyway, all I know that using this technology to mess with heads and wallets and facts has McLuhanian (<—hell, two new words (kind of) in one post!?! This must be HAWT) implications, and that makes it HAWT NEXT.

 

Uptrending: Literally hugging trees

treehugger_slimHipsters may be cool and aloof to actual fellow humans but if it’s non-human, they love it. Frankly, “tree hugger” connotations aside I agree with this trend. Hug ’em before it’s too late. To take this beyond hipster level, peel off your shirt and rub your back on the bark. It’s the bomb.

These yoga hipsters think that science has proven that trees have the “ability to alleviate headaches in humans seeking relief by communing with trees.” Hey, if it makes  my head stops hurting and it’s legal, I’ll try it.

Uptrending: Urban Mining

Hipster - Prospector
Hipster – Prospector
Forget that Inner-City garden, Hipsters are leaving the heirloom kumquat roof top compost beds for a more lucrative new pursuit, the Urban Hobby Mine. Whether it’s “upcycling” wads of used tinfoil for “found art” or smashing dead celphones to repurpose “rare earth” metals, extracting minreals from your hometown downtown is the “in” thing. Threatened by adoption by venture capitalists, always remember to keep your prospecting limited to obscure curiosities like retro juicers and 70’s seat belt buckles as belts.

“Damn Seagulls” trucker hats: OVER!

damnseagulls

The data confirms that “Damn Seagulls” trucker hats are indeed OVER!  Sorry fans of bird-poop humor.  Did you know that the white stuff in bird poop is urea (pee) and the black or other colored stuff is excrement?  Hey cool, now you do, and it’s very hipster to know oddball facts!

Pumping Up: Air Sex

rock out with your ... nevermind.
rock out with your … nevermind.

Finally the perfect hipster response to the media induced, hyper sexualized, bio hazard, look but don’t touch zeitgeist that is modern sexuality. With all the genderblending, advertising revenue generating, and acceptably main-stream deviance that is mercilessly thrust upon us daily, hipsters are truly caught between a rock, and a hard place. Thankfully we can always trust the Japanese to come up with some bizarre and intriguing re-interpretation of a seemingly minor facet of western culture and present it back at us as an exciting new trend.

Rooted in equal parts of the olympian level bar ritual contest of air guitar, and the perpetual social disparity between the sexual “haves and have nots”, air sex is quickly becoming the logical choice for hipsters who want it all. Just like air guitar, air sex is all the bravado, heroic posturing, quick finger movements and afterwards accolades with out having to have any real skill. Now the guys in Japan who do it are into the public display aspects (PDA) of air sex. The modern American hipster is not (on the surface at least) interested the quick fame boost of some temporal gyrations on stage at the airport commuter lounge. They are into artisinally crafted, high value and “genuine” romance. Hipster air sex is more earnest and awkward.

Start by lots of posts on social media about your need to “feel more” and your “soul ache.” The other hipsters from the free-thinkers meeting will ask firstly, if you’re ok and secondly, what is a soul … you’ll love this. Then, later in the meeting after 37 minutes when you’re planning for the next spaghetti monster action, you begin. Rolling your head on you shoulders is a good start. You’ve probably not had real sex yet, like the guys in Japan, but dont worry, we’re all individuals so they will accept your interpretive movements. Start to moan softly like you’re enjoying some artisinal chocolate. Rub the tops of your thighs with the flat of your hands. Enjoy it because this is the last time you will actually touch yourself. AIR SEX IS NOT MASTURBATION! Now stand. Feet shoulder width apart. This is where the pelvic thrusting begins and our instructions stop. This is a family site and we expect you to freestyle this, just know you can do it and, just like air guitar, too much is never enough.

After you’ve performed the final sequence, entitled “petite mort faux”, stand, dust yourself off and ask Kevin for a stick of gum.

Peaking: Mork from Ork Suspenders

Mork from Ork suspenders
Mork from Ork suspenders

If it’s on Etsy ..it’s full on hipster. This guy has it in spades. Kicking it hipster with a beard too!