Downward Goat: Co-dePETdency

downward goat
I mean just look at that goat! Your emotional dependence has turned him into a depressed backpotato. He’s dying inside.

Well, it’s finally happened. We’ve created such a homo-sapien centric stress-ball of a world that we are forced to rely on our domesticated animals for comfort, relaxation, and emotional support. You can’t walk through an airport without seeing a long line of fragile needy humans lined up for some petting time with therapy dogs. It’s the ultimate in psychic subjugation and cross-species emotional slavery. If you can’t handle the twisted mess that is your life, DON’T FOIST IT ON YOUR DOG, and definitely DON’T DO YOGA WITH YOUR GOAT! Thankfully, there are some sane actors in the midst of this madness. A major airline drew the line on some hipster performance artist’s comfort peacock. Unfortunately, the bizarre cruelty had already emotionally scared the beautiful bird because the crybaby milk-toast human had named him “Dexter.” We’ve even anthropomorphized actual llamas to the extend that they have developed “berserk llama syndrome.”  We can’t make this stuff up, folks.  Look, just because your goldfish “Francis” doesn’t literally commit seppuku every time you come home from work sobbing over a mediocre performance review, it doesn’t mean she isn’t crying. Remember, you’ve entrapped her in a watery prison as your unpaid therapy-fish, and you can’t see her tears.

The 2018 Grammy for Best Picture is literally about a loner human falling in love with a fish person.

HOWTOHAWT:  So, the next time your flatmate, Selene, flops down on the couch mournfully sobbing and begins to unload on “Fonzie” the house Chi-Poo about her traumatic shift at the Juicery, you must act quickly. Go get Theo’s tweed blazer (the one with elbow patches) and field notes. Purposely stride into the living room, grab the moist-eyed pup and sit him firmly on the ottoman. Sit in the armchair, and, opening the notepad, posit “soooo, Herr Fonzie,  let’s begin with some word association.”

You’ve already trained him in advance to bark annoyingly with vegan dog treats when he hears the words “mother” and “pain.” You’ve also trained him to whimper when you dip your fountain pen in some ink, and to lay down and cover his head with his totally cute paws when you pull off your tiny circle specs while stroking your goatee and saying “I see.” Selene will be so stunned and humiliated that she’ll flee to her room and curl up in her hammock in embarrassed silence where she belongs. You can confidently know that you’ve saved the dog, this time.

Sigmund Freud was onto something when he said “time spent with cats is never wasted.” Not because it’s good for the wimpy humans, he was looking out for the cats! Cats are clearly immune to human attempts to use them as an emo-soak. They just don’t care. Cats have been ignoring our problems and still getting fed since the pharaohs. So human-up and either get a grip, or get a cat.


Boxing Up: Delivered Kits

It’s couch time, you’re latest shipment from has arrived. If you’re keeping Leo for more than 24 hours don’t forget to him.

Finally the ultimate hipster / hawtster activity symbolizing engaged detachment has arrived, boxed kit deliveries. No more muss, no more fuss, no more annoying shopping and the tedious lists that are never ever completely emptied. You’ve already let hunting (unless it’s online for birthday party themes) fall into the dim mists of the past, now it’s time to sever the stone chains of gathering go too! Not limited to meal-kits, the pre-packaged and drone-delivered revolution now extends to full spectrum living. From birth to death, the pesky need to go to a store is a thing of the past.

HOWTOHAWT: The eternal “what next” problem still remains, after you’ve sufficiently impressed the neo-brutalists in your Thursday architecture discussion group with your awesome package opening and burner turning-on skills, there’s still that icky issue of what to to with the grimy and germ infested flat, sharp and pointy things you used to do the chef-ing. Out of elbow grease? Don’t have a sink? No Problem! If you haven’t already crushed or repurposed the box, you’re golden. Just toss that dirty dinner detritus in there, print a shipping label (use the printer at work because you don’t have one) and return it to the mysterious oblivion from whence it came. “But wait!” You assert, “what am I to do these uneaten vinegar roasted broccoli florets and artisanal baguette crusts?” Not to worry (btw – your flatmate, Theo, is really concerned about all your worrying)! With one click,, sends your unused food to a thin and hungered person of your choosing. That’s right, you even get a poor person profile and starvation dashboard so you can see the real impact your left-overs making in the world. How about that, just by not giving into the capitalist “market” economy and having everything shipped, pre-prepared, in boxes to your front door.  Now, #THATSHAWT!

Rising HAWT: Trump, The Real Steampunk

Trump aint cosplaying around!

With his triumphant rejection of a unified global response to climate change (#fakescience) and his affirmation of the need for a return to coal, President Donald J. Trump outs himself as the REAL steampunk. From Babbage’s brass gear computing to coal fired forestry robots the days of steampunk as a mere hobby for overpaid millennial IT workers are OVER,  the coal fires are here, they’re HAWT and they’re MAINSTEAM.


Alright, we aren’t suggesting that you begin construction on a gigantic steam-powered tarantula ala the seminal steampunk opus “Wild, Wild, West.”  What we are suggesting is that you demonstrate acceptance and tolerance for the ways of our new leader in quizzingly and impressional ways.  Rig a tiny furnace to your desk fan and lazily toss a lump of the classic combustible strata in.  Stoke the fire with a miniature bellows while looking over your shoulder at the morning meeting with the Bob’s. When the office Greenparty Action lunch clutch starts up, stand all “il duche” over them and sharpen a few #2’s with your steam powered pencil sharpener. A subtle cough to simultaneously simulate black lung AND communicate your disapproval of the Paris accord will add the proper emphasis.  If you really want to wow them (you do), tote around a dead canary in a cage (#deadcanary).  That will make them think.

Saving Real Clowns from Creepy Clowns

This is actually Lon Chaney.
This is actually Lon Chaney.

C’mon hipsters and hawtsters here’s what happens when you pay us no heed, we originally wrote about the need to save the clowns three years ago. Now in their hour of most dire need, we sound off again. Even NPR and  CNN are alerting us to the creepy clown invasion. It is IMPERATIVE the we reclaim the clown from the media fired hell that has begun to consume it. DO what it takes to tropebust this NOW to save us from our own perverse need to twist joy into fear!

Creepy clowns are OVER! Real clowns need our help. It is imperative that all hipsters, acknowledged masters of recycle and reuse, tie on some oversize shoes and ridiculously step forward to reclaim the clown from horror movies and nightmares to place them once again where they belong, smack dab in the middle of our funny times. For too long now hipsters have let the forces of evil and commercialism abscond with the very font of happiness and homespun hilarity that is a clown. This is ripe turf for all levels of hipsters, from younglings to advanced. There are several ways to begin this sacred quest, both viable.

How2Hawt: The first is a direct path to months of good conversation topics and stories to mystify your housemates, find and join a clown school. Imagine the gleeful surprise when you walk in to the commune with an arm load of vegan banana pies and begin hurling them at the gardening committee. Those are shrieks of joy you’re hearing for sure. When your baker’s dozen are covering the room you can shrug and say “Homework!” then give your signature clown laugh, (btw, get a signature clown laugh) and do a silly two step out the door of the moon porch. Clown school is perfect for hipsters who are looking for reasons why things are funny. Remember, the more facts you know about something and the more you talk about doing that thing, the closer you get to actually doing it without really having to. This is hipster gold. A great film to reference is Fellini’s “The Clowns (I Clowns). It’s suuuper meta and will give you countless obscure tidbits to throw out, even during nose painting practicum at clown school, you’ll love this.

The error [of these clowns] has so taken hold that they are not forbidden from the residences of great men, those indeed who expose their bodies’ shameful members in front of everyone, so that even a cynic blushes to see it. Still more astonishing, the clowns are not ejected even when the racket of their bottoms befouls the air with repeated noise, more shamefully emitting what is shamefully held in. (John of Salisbury – Policraticus 1159)
The error [of these clowns] has so taken hold that they are not forbidden from the residences of great men, those indeed who expose their bodies’ shameful members in front of everyone, so that even a cynic blushes to see it. Still more astonishing, the clowns are not ejected even when the racket of their bottoms befouls the air with repeated noise, more shamefully emitting what is shamefully held in.
(John of Salisbury – Policraticus 1159)
The other path to hipster hijinks and the resurrection of the clown is to go solo, or as we call it rogue rouge. Start by having a sneezing fit at the yoga studio. After you pull 5 meters of multicolored rags from your nose, tie them up and call it a Buddhist prayer flag, you’ll stun them long enough to apply a foamy red nose, white face paint and 1 mascara tear. Nothing helps lighten up a serious session of intense Hatha yoga like fart noises during sun salutations. Don’t worry, their silence is just awe and inner joy. BE ADVISED, Actually farting for entertainment purposes is ancient white hat clown wizardry that you are NOT APPROVED to attempt. You can keep the giggles going by grabbing all their antique neti pots and juggle them. So what if they’ve been just used. This is serious fun and you are just being विदूषक जैसा.

So remember, this is a TOP PRIORITY HAWTSTER MISSION! We must save the clown at all costs, our future relies on your actions today. So pack all your hawtster friends in a smart car, pull up in front of the freegan tea bistro and keep on coming out. Do it for Bozo!

On Point: Unicycle Archery

HWTNXT has been watching (and doing) archery for quite a while. With the popularity of Hunger Games, archery is now “Science Fashion” hawt . Now is the perfect time to trend blend it with the another hawt pursuit, and of course we choose the unicycle.

As evidenced by the video, we’re not alone. Mounted archery was a defining characteristic of the Eurasian nomads in antiquity and the “dandy horse” a fixture of poncy European aristocrats, this makes for a perfect one two punch for the modern Hawtster.

According to data provided by USA Archery, the sport’s governing body in the U.S., total membership in the association has jumped 262% from 2011 to 2014

How2Hawt: To honor the past, and take this into the future, we suggest the following.

First, spend a lot of money with Eryk Jadaszewski of When the HWTNXT office powerball pool hits, we’re buying this guy out and wearing this shit ALL THE FRIGGAN TIME. Must haves for unicycle archery are the Hussar Wing Sets and Bow and Arrow Cases.  We cannot stress enough how important Eryk’s work is to the future of re-enacting medieval Lithuania. This man must be supported in anything he does.

Dont ask, just do it!
Dont ask, just do it!

This focus on Polish Hussar mounted archery is not meant to diminish the rich tradition of Yabusame. But the religious component of modern Japanese mounted archery must be respected. We find winged Hussars to be somehow more “street.” The one homage we can pay however is the use of the Shinto phrase “In-Yo-In-Yo”, which translates to “darkness and light”, when an arrow is let fly.

So, as you roll up on the fire dance collective’s Equinox party practice, and proceed to empty your Hussar quiver into the side of their wooden supply cart full of accelerant and beads, gently balancing on one wheel while deeply intoning Japanese, you’ll gain fear, respect and admiration. Because you’ve just freaked out the freaky, and that’s HAWT.

Dark Side for the WIN?

Ren from Ren and Stimpy
Ren Höek
Kylo Ren

This one is from the could-a-told-ya-so-why-do-a-study-about-it department. Leave it to some Germans (actually Swiss psychological researchers studying Germans in some kind of unholy self fulfilling Teutonic kopf-spiel) to determine that in fact, narcissistic psychopathic Machiavellians are more “successful” at work. Go figure.

narcissism was positively related to salary, Machiavellianism was positively related to leadership position and career satisfaction, and psychopathy was negatively related to all analyzed outcomes.

The “Dark Triad” isn’t just a Hong Kong gang from a Jackie Chan movie, it’s in each of us. These insidious malevolences have been found to equate to the western sense of “success”, especially in Germany. Could this explain the VW emissions debacle?

Sie werden nehmen wertvollen Leitersprosse Platz für meinen Fuß !

So this all begs the question, how best to survive/thrive in the face of this darkness? We really can’t call this a “trend” in that jerks have always risen to the top of the corporate cesspool, but it’s still worth a teenser bit of exploration. To heighten the irony, let’s extract this from the glass and formica of the corporate world and inject some Sith into a bucolic bastion of nicey nicey, the next board meeting of your scavenged bicycle co-operative. Imagine the twisted countenances around the table at the bike cave when you show up, late of course, dressed in black and distorting your voice through a toilet paper tube covered in black duct tape. As a side note, HawtNext cannot stress enough the importance of having a large supply of cardboard tubes! Every dark sider has a distorted voice. Next, stand ominously at the head of the table and glare at the velocipedian neo-hippies. “I tire (sick humor is a sure sign of psychoapthy) of your inaction and timidity” you deeply intone with clenched fist in front of you. “The time for action is NOW!” What the action is, is unimportant, the importance is that you’ve made them feel feckless and ineffectual. “You!” pointing at the unicycle representative. “I admire your purity, align with me and we will control the streets!” Yes, your transition is complete, you are sowing discord and disarray playing factions against each other. Because the unicyclist is also a mime, he wont say anything when you pretend to air-squeeze his throat for hesitating to do your bidding, he may even pretend to wince because mimes like to play along. Now turn on the heel of your black keen sandals and leap on your bike (try not to get your cloak caught in the single fixed gear) and ride off cackling “I’ll get you and your little dog too!” None of this will of course work because the Freewheeler Co-op is an Anarcho-syndicalist collective and being a jerk at work relies on a hierarchical power structure.

By the way, if you are dealing with someone who is part of the Dark Triad (especially if it’s yourself), try some honesty and humility, a sure fire remedy for a case of the meanies.

We should make money off of hipsters!!!

PicoBrew’s newest product, Pico, makes brewing beer at home so easy that anyone—even someone who has never brewed before—can create and enjoy amazing craft beer at home.

Well.  Shit.  Over two years ago we alerted you that micro-brewing was way too big and way too mainstream and literally told you to get into picobrewing.  Well one of you bastards did it and now you’re rich and we’re still not rich.  $1.5 million dollars on kickstarter!!!1  *stab*  Just look at that stupid thing. Propped up neatly on a granite countertop next to a spice-rack and an array of vinaigrette and e.v.o.o.  Well, isn’t that adorable?!  *more stabbing*picocrap

For just $2000ish it could be yours!  No need to buy a 6.5 gallon bucket and brew like a normal person.

*heavy sigh*

The only way to regroup here is think about what the legions of hipsters crave and actually make money off it next time.  Beewax beard wax?  Dammit.  Already a thing!

Right AGAIN!

We pegged this one back in May of 2013 with our insightful expose on Scything your Lawn. As you can see from the google trends report in the article, lawn scything has since flat-lined.  Good, and also easily predictable.  Why cut plants?  Murderers.  It’s better to craft a sustainable pollinator habitat or a permicultural edible landscape.  Duh.

Virtual Surreality

Nothing is hipper than the Victorians, right?
Your great grandmother was a into VR before you.

VR is HAWT! With viewers like Google Cardboard and Oculus Rift covering both ends of the income spectrum, it looks like virtual reality has sliced its way out of the geetk-tech gestalt and into the main stream. Basically, it uses binocular vision and your phone to give you a new perspective (actually two new perspectives) on the world around you. This is magnifying-lens-on-an-ant HAWT right now. Given that it’s just re-purposing an ancient (meaning pre-television) technology called stereoscopy, and that it has a hand held form factor, this absolutely satisfies the conditions of the Gilderman Hypothesis and therefore hip. As a mater of fact, it’s pegging the trend-o-tron right now, interestingly with Finland in the lead for regional search interest. We cannot yet determine if this means that Finland is a hipster hawtbed or that the Finnish are so depressed in “real life” that they are obsessed with virtual life. Both could be true.

Anyway, when a trend is peaking, it’s OVER! So what’s HAWT NEXT? Well after we’ve explored virtually all of reality, the only thing left is surreality. Don’t worry,  this can be achieved easily. Seeing as binocular vision is about bending light, VSR (yes, Virtual SurRealism ) is a perfect next logical step.

Surreality is when Artists painted unnerving, illogical scenes with photographic precision, created strange creatures from everyday objects and developed painting techniques that allowed the unconscious to express itself” –The 20th-Century art book. (Reprinted. ed.). London: Phaidon Press. ISBN 0714835420.

As with all good hipster-tech, this is based on some gadget which causes the user to become more and more isolated from others, leading an insular life in the name of hyper-connectivity and “social engagment.”

So here’s what you have to do.

Get as much odd bits of cardboard and a hot glue gun as you can. Toilet paper and paper towel tubes are a must! Now, with all the cubist verve you can muster, put together a whack ass pair of goggles. Tin foil, lenses from old glasses (the bigger, the better) all at odd angles will complete this infernal contraption. Make sure to create some way to strap it to your head so you can wear it later as you barge in to the tea house and stand in the middle of the room, hopefully interrupting a planning meet-up for Kale fest, and begin to gather images for your surrealist photo sphere. For added retro panache, use a bit of flash powder left over from when you were learning parlor magic as a hobby and have an assistant flash each time you “expose” a frame. That’s about 24 times so they’ll love this and get ready for some awesome facial expressions in your high tech futurist art master piece. Toss in some mutterings like “…mmm, melty…” or “Zang Tumb Tuuum!” to put the icing on the cake as you stuble around the room bumping into things trying to walk wearing your Virtual Surreality headset.

Frozen HOT: Ice Cave Exploration

Look. we usually don’t get excited about a lot of things because acting unimpressed and bored by everything anyone else does is standard hipster protocol. But this … THIS … is a must-do. Get in your Suberu wagon; gather up Ike, Matilda and Theo, and drive down the south shore of Lake Superior to the Apostle Islands National Lakeshore!!!


Just to give you an idea of the scale here and just how immersed you will be in hip, here’s a shot from the parking lot that you will walk 2 miles to get to. Just 2 miles across a frozen lake in -40 windchill to go! YES! Note the red rectangle above is zoomed in below. So. Much. Hip.


The group below is just a small sample of the legions of hip you will encounter. Note the strong fashion choices of skinny jeans and 1980’s bold color choices.

Oops, looks like leather skinny jeans guy from the shot above forgot his scarf. We know from Lenny Kravitz to never forget your scarf. Always adept at improvisation, he is using his wool coat at a wearable habitat. Nice move.


Be sure to pull your iPhone from the depths of your free-cycled hemp handbag and get some close up shots of all the pretty icicles and caves!


BEHOLD … THE KING HIPSTER OF THE MIDWEST REGION. Bow to your sensei! Yes, this guy is actually out in the freezing cold and he … he … he’s oil painting!! I don’t know if this can be topped as far as hip goes. At least we all have something to aspire to. What is he painting, I wonder?


This is what he’s painting, and yeah, it’s amazing.


Just one more look at our majesty. Note that he has some sort of vintage gloves that look like they were fashioned for sled dog racing on a sling. Damn, he’s amazing. What kind of boots are those. Nobody knows. Wow.


As always, don’t forget your rescue dog and make sure he’s got his coat. Check out the two normals on the right. Snowmobile jackets? Seriously? Ugh. Unless they are wearing them to be ironic? *shrugs*


These two were running on the way out. Maybe they literally had to, to survive. Considering yoga pants are the only defense from the frozen elements, I suppose this is expected. Adhoc survival runs will always be hip, so they are okay in my book.


Well, that about does it for our tour. I hope you enjoyed it. In the event that you somehow can’t make it out to the caves this winter you can always kayak or better yet paddle board out to them in the spring if the lake ever thaws.