Soap making: OVER!, Soup making: poised

ladels
Hand-carved local artisan BPA-free organic rosewood soup ladles

Data suggests that soap making peaked in late 2004 and has steadily declined.  It had a good run.  Hipsters love making old-world practices new again and soap making is a classic.  Unfortunately just way too many people got into for a while and it is no-longer something that you can try to impress somebody with because they will know several people who make soap and some in their antique shaving kit box.

Meanwhile, soup making appears to the an up and comer, so get out your hand-carved local artisan BPA-free organic rosewood soup ladles and buy this book: http://goo.gl/2K4RK  Make sure that several people see you reading it (preferably on some sort of public transport) and be prepared to tell them all about lentils and how they are nitrogen-fixing which is good for local natural organic sustainable agricultural practices that don’t involve Monsanto.

Never speak of soap making again. I don’t care if you have a batch setting right now. Throw it away.

 

 

Veganism: OVER!, Paleo diet: Now or never

paleohipsterHipsters love to discuss food.  They don’t call it food though, they call it gastronomy, because it makes it sound way more important, and it’s likely that whoever they are addressing hasn’t heard of gastronomy and will ask them “what’s gastronomy?”  From there they will get to sort of roll their eyes and describe in detail their gourmet tastes and openness to new ideas and things like eating organs.  Hipsters don’t eat food for the same reasons that most people do (hunger, sustenance), they eat food so they can talk about it and make obscure references that people have never heard of.  They also eat food to make political and societal statements.

Hence the rise of veganism.  For a long time veganism was the perfect diet for hipsters.  It was obscure, it was political, and most importantly… it involves a lot of talking.  “What can you eat?” “Why can’t you eat this?” “Where can we go to eat?” …hipsters live for these kinds of questions.  Unfortunately for actual devout vegan hipsters, data confirms that veganism is OVER!  Just too many people have heard of it because the few people who were/are vegan never shut up about it.  So, what’s next?  The polar opposite of course!  Paleo!  We’ve found in our studies of hipsters that once something becomes too mainstream the best move is to ask yourself what the exact opposite is and do that.  A solid example of this is skinny jeans.  What does a hipster do in times of baggy carpenter pants?  The exact opposite.

The paleo diet is very hot right now, almost too hot, so if you’re considering making the change from veganism over to paleo, do it now!  I caution you that once too many people know about paleo it could very well swing back the other way.  One thing’s for sure, if you do switch to paleo make sure you get a few books on it and have them laying around your studio apartment on your self-made reclaimed wood coffee table.  That way people will ask you about it and you’ll get to drone on for several minutes about “returning to humanities roots,” and “the way our bodies evolved to eat.”

Uptrending: Selling your Volvo

You and your Volvo had some great times together. Trips to farmers markets, art gallery openings, and alternative charter school field trips. People would notice that your car looked different than the average Ford Tempo and sometimes they even asked you about it, which you loved. You got to tell them that it wasn’t an ordinary Volvo, it was the Swedish highway patrol version with turbo. A 1997 T5. Unfortunately, way too many people have heard of Volvos now. The reality is that driving a Volvo is OVER. But this gives you an opportunity to be on the cutting edge of the hottest new trend…. Selling your Volvo. Try to sell it to

Cookoo for Coconut Oil

hipsterox
Traditional ox-powered coconut oil mill

Coconut oil has been trending up for the last three years and has exceeded vegetable oil in popularity. That means it’s almost OVER, but it’s not too late for you to cash in on it. In order to do so you’ll need to do something pretty over the top to make an impact. Within the next couple of weeks invite several friends over to your studio apartment for a dinner party. Have them come early so they can take part in the preparation of the meal. Explain to them that this is east African tradition. I don’t know if this is really east African tradition, but it sounds globally aware and that’s really all that matters. Explain that the meal will be based entirely on one ingredient… coconuts. They will look at you like you’re crazy for a second, but quickly try to hide any surprise in their expression because hipsters can never be surprised by anything because that would mean they haven’t heard of it. They will quickly become excited for what you have in store for them, even if it does turn out completely terrible.

Here’s where it gets interesting. The traditional way of making coconut oil is using an ox-powered mill. You don’t yet have an ox (you will once you live on a close-country self-sustaining permaculture community farm) so you’ll need to improvise and use your pet chinchillas. Make sure you sew harnesses for them from faux leather and be sure to point out that it’s hand sewn from faux leather. Crack some coconuts, kiln some of the meat, and start milling. Next, cut small medallions (make sure to refer to them as medallions) of coconut meat and fry them in the oil in a large cast iron wok. Season liberally with coconut husk shavings. Your guests will barely be able to choke it down, but they will act like it’s the best meal they’ve ever had and will actually convince themselves of that so they can tell everyone about the bizarre dinner party they went to and go into detail about the milling process and that prior to milling they needed to dry the meat in a kiln to create something called “copra.” After this party don’t really talk about coconut oil anymore. Coconut oil will be OVER!

TrendingUp: Looking away Selfies

bc
sure, ur too busy.
A selfie. The pinnacle of technarcissism, a self shot picture of your self to use in tweets, posts, status updates. It’s your chance to be earnest, shoot your best “hihowareya” at the camera and not think about who is on the other side of the lens judging you. No one is there, just you, your device and the internets. After the first initial captures of yourself having a great time at the harvest fest or backstage at a Trampled by Turtles show it got old. You started throwing the deuces and the duck face. Thing about this self “reflection” activity is that it gets old real quick..because…in the end …it’s you …um…shooting …you. Yep. What’s a hipster to do? What says you are cooler than yourself without having to be cooler than yourself? How about obviously ignoring the fact you are shooting a selfie ..of..um…yourself? Enter the looking away selfie.

it’s the perfect opportunity to let everyone know you are so hip that you don’t even have time to quick whip off a pic of yourself. The fact that you are the one not looking at the shot you’re taking …of yourself makes no difference. In our highly evolved media effluence culture, concepts like third person pov or fourth wall are tired old crutches … blur your evolving narrative, baby BLUR! Here’s a quick howto.

  • be somewhere busy like the checkout line at the co-op (if you can get an annoyed pierced hipster at the register in the background double points!)
  • quick whip out your device, hold at arm’s length
  • look away like you are saying something meaningful to an old friend
  • snap, viola!
  • check your work (before paying your tab) re-do if needed.

Trending up: Hair

shampoo
toothpaste for your head?
scrub that hair, hipster

So what if Grandma called them “dirty hippies”, we all know that modern day hipsters bathe and then reapply their tightly controlled pigpen look. Taking pride in their manes of flowing patchouli-stink hair swirled in a needless Beiber-esque “comb-across“. But why take a shower using traditional shampoo? Doing so obviously scores you no elitist membership club points. Shampoo is full of “chemicals” and potential carcinogens. In fact, many hipsters are pointing their pretentious fingers at manufactured items, wondering what’s really in the ingredients and what are these ingredients doing to their health? Bygone are the days of the dirty hippy, so if you must shower, how can you be more hip about it?

Step one: run to the cupboard, grab all the baking soda and vinegar you can find. Step two: while it may feel gritty at first, mush some of the baking soda and water through your locks, make sure to swirl it straight across your forehead. To the left if you’re east of the Mississippi. Step three: (the most important step in my book) Don’t rinse, just give yourself a good splash of vinegar conditioning treatment. While the battle rages on over the best vinegar: apple cider, white distilled or ancient Greek Oxymelo, the number of uses for this kitchen ingredient certainly continues to grow. Take it as a badge of pride when the other hipsters look at your foaming swirly hairdoo and call you “volcano head.” For added pizzaz, pre-vagazzleby using the same process for your hair down there. ZOWIE!