With all the recent media attention on hipsters and beards, we feel it’s imperative to assist our dear readers how to stay ahead of the pack. As reported on CNN and other news outlets, it seems that there are hipsters who may want to join in by sporting a manly turn of the century chin coif but who also have, at best, a spotty ability to sprout the requisite he-mat of wiry cheek tuft. These sad sacks are turning to plastic surgeons to implant hair (from their ass?) to fill out their hipster face mane. Face it (ha), filling in your non-beard with an eyebrow pencil isn’t going to pass the prying eyes of your friends down at the co-op. So assuming you can’t afford an $8,500 plastic surgery bill as your parent’s money would be better spent on non-prescription eyewear and oil paints, what to do? Do this: make yourself an ancient Egyptian false beard!
It is well known that the Egyptians were meticulous groomers, shaving all facial hair, including eyebrows (hot). Yet images of countless hieroglyphs and statues clearly show long cylindrical beards jutting from the faces of the ancients. They did this to show devotion to Ra (Ra worship is a potential side-trend here, if you’re feeling aggressive). Ladies, you’re not left out of this one because even Queen Hatshepsut is depicted wearing a false beard secured by a cord for parties. Make sure you read up on the history of all of this while you’re riding on some sort of public transportation. Certainly once you start wearing your false beard, the questions will pour in (which you’ll love), so you’d better be prepared to enlighten your followers with plenty of information about your customs. “False beards are documented on the Narmer palette as early as the Predynastic period,” you can drone flatly as the onlookers study your intricate, hand-plaited, faux-beard. Then cap it by launching into a recitation of the “42 Negative Confessions listed in the Papyrus of Ani.” The resulting wild flailing of your false chin beard will mesmerize them.
Alright, on to arts and crafts time … how to make your false pharaoh beard! Don’t over think this. Start with a toilet paper roll (advanced hipsters use a paper towel roll), and commence with the decorating. Just about anything shiny will do, but if you want to do this right you’ll need to add wads of papier-mâché to sculpt a natural look. You could just glue some foil from a Cadbury wrapper on the thing but some gold spray paint will really make it pop (no huffing, NOT A TREND). Assuming you already own a bedazzler from your side shoe-decorating business, use it to encrust it with some jewels. All that’s left to do now is to form and fit it to your cleanly shorn face (remember to remove your eyelashes too, we can’t stress this enough) and adhere it to your chin with some cordage or fuzzy pipe cleaners left over from your briar pipe smoking phase. Once you get this done, save the workspace because you’re gonna Etsy the crap out of this trend.
As soon as the paint is dry, stride into the vegan bistro with confidence, stand in the door way, arms crossed across your chest and chin thrust out. You are a god, you are a king, you are Hipster-hotep, social media intern and you wear a pharaoh beard, even if you don’t know why.