Sharp: Eating with a dagger

This guy, because I couldn't find a picture of anyone eating with a dagger, that's how NOW this is
This guy, because I couldn’t find a picture of anyone eating with a dagger, that’s how NOW this is

Looking for a new gastronomic utensil trend to show everybody just what’s on the plate for the next hipster trend? Toss the forks, spoons, sporks, and chopsticks and reach for a Knight’s dress dagger. You’ll be the talk of the vegan bistro as you unsheathe your ancient cutlery and and literally go medieval on that tofu!

“This is the way that people ate for centuries,” you can remark snidely as your hipster friends look you up and down with astonishment. For extra effect, after you finish your coconut medallions, reach into your retro neon fanny pack, pull out a whetstone, and begin honing your blade. Make sure it’s razor sharp before moving on to your amaranth and quinoa casserole.

When the meal is complete, wipe the blade clean with your fine red silk pocket square, and hold your dagger aloft, as if you’ve just brought forth the sword from the stone. Play with the light in the room and be sure that everyone catches a glimmer of brilliant illumination. Resheathe your only utensil smugly and wait for the gushing compliments to pour in. You’re the sharpest hipster out there, with your scythe, back axe, and now dagger. You’re welcome.