Pumping Up: Returning Fossil Fuels

Take it back from them!
Take it back from them!

They just won’t listen. Your cobbler Milo, your barber Henry, random normals in line at the co-op … none of them REALLY care about the environment like you do. They take the easy way out. They use cars, electricity, and indoor plumbing. Sell outs. You’ve tried convincing them that they are destroying “our spaceship Earth” until blue in the face. You’ve tried leading by example and demonstrating your devotion to “your Earth mother” with projects like pedal-powered RVs, rescuing ditch trees, and even scything your lawn. But alas, they still hop in their gas guzzling Prius’s and claim to be hypermiling their way to and from the local organic fair trade farmer’s market. It’s time to take matters into our own hands. Let’s put fossil fuels back where they came from!

As with most extreme eco-warrioring, it’s best to work at night, when the normals are all in deep sleep with visions of oil wells dancing in their stupid polluting heads. Sneak into a parking lot with several free-cycled pickle buckets from Burger King and an up-cyled garden hose. Move fast and start siphoning! You will probably get a headache from the fumes around car 37, so have some organic healing herbs at ready in your messenger bag. A ritually blessed (preferably Wiccan) amalgam of white willow bark, bay laurel, and calamus root should do the trick. Any fume-induced hallucinations are a bonus as they will aid in your spiritual journey, just don’t listen to the voices if they tell you to stab anything/one. You will need to make several trips on your fixed gear bike so you’re in for a long night. Make sure your dump location isn’t too close to any major aquifers and have a deep hole ready. Smile smugly as you pour the reclaimed gasoline back where it belongs, in the earth. Pour slowly so the the soil fully absorbs its native nutrients, listen for the satisfied sigh as the earth drinks deep. The only problem with this being a clandestine operation is people can’t (and shouldn’t) see you doing it. How can you talk about it if nobody notices you? The way to work around that little glitch is to look really tired and smell like gas so people ask you about it. Neither of these should require much effort because you just literally stayed up all night siphoning and transporting gasoline. Drag yourself into the artisan coffee shop in the morning. “Oh, the gas smell? Why do I look so tired? Yeah, I’ve been doing what we all should be doing, putting gasoline back where it should be. After all, what’s better than being carbon neutral? How about being carbon negative?” Flora, the barista you have a crush on, will swoon.

Don’t stop here. Oil isn’t the only thing we disgusting “smart apes” rape from “our maiden Earth sprite.” What about that huge coal pile by the docks? They plan to burn it up in their giant power plants to do things like power their idiot boxes and electric toothbrushes. Oh nooo, they can’t be bothered to miss a single effing episode of “Dancing with the Stars!” And as if smearing baking soda all over their teeth with their fingers like you do isn’t “clean” enough. They’d rather line the pockets of Mr. and Mrs. Colgate whilst poisoning themselves with fluoride! Covetous self-indulgent boobs! Ahem. But I digress. The coal re-insertion is a bit trickier than gas as ideally you would return it to its origin in random Montana mines. That’s a lot of pedaling so you can probably get away with just stuffing the coal under roadway culverts. That’s underground right? Pretty much the same thing as a mine. Good enough. The important thing is you’ll be keeping the coal out of the grubby little hands of industrialist profiteers who want to burn it only to waste it by providing heat and electricity to countless people at the expense of “Mother Goddess Terra.”

A few other quick ideas include un-fracking. I’m not sure what fracking is, but I do know that the opposite of it is hella hip right now. Do some of your own research (always hot) and find out just what the hell fracking is and try to undo it. You could also sneak into the backyards and patios of the normal legions and free the propane tanks from the prison of their meat scorching grills. This is a one-two punch because people eat way too much meat, especially mass-produced non-free-range hormone-laden cruelty-full meat. Find a swamp somewhere and shove the nozzle deep into the muck, open the valve and send that propane home. Natural gas lines are easy, just locate them and sever them with a borrowed backhoe.

Alright, some of you are more hardcore than others and I don’t want to stifle any enthusiasm. I have no idea how to pull this one off, but if you can figure out a way to reverse the flow of all of the major oil pipelines in the world please do! Another extreme idea would be to initialize a worldwide grassroots uprising, using mostly peaceful demonstrations and sit-ins (always hot). In the meantime us longer brimmed hipsters will be doing what we can in the smaller ways I’ve outlined, even if we don’t know why.