Scaling up: Urban fishing

This could be you! (without the frat boy bent hat brim)

Sure, Babe Winkleman made inland sportfishing McDonald’s apple pie-hot back in the 80’s, and popularity of reeling in a walleye or two hasn’t really diminished for the normals. Hipsters have more classically been into flyfishing for trout as it doesn’t involve boats, motors, modern technology, or ease-of-experience. But let’s face it, everybody has caught a few rainbows and most have even adopted referring to them as just “bows” they are so commonplace and pedestrian. So what can you do to breath fresh air into the lungs, er … gills of a classic like fishing? URBAN fishing, of course!

Don’t just click wildly on amazon for a rod and reel combo. You should consider fashioning your own with reclaimed bamboo or cherry. In a pinch you could up-cycle a weave of old metal hangers to form a springy yet sensitive fishing instrument. As for other gear you’ll definitely need a classic split willow creel, some hip waders (haha “hip”), and a good fishing hat (see our infographic on hat ranking here).

Once you have all the essentials, hop on the bus and head for the pristine waters of the fountain in front of Bank of America. The normals walking hurriedly on the sidewalk to their empty, soul-crushing jobs will be gobsmacked when they see your full ensemble and wonder if you’re really about to cast a hand-tied elk hair caddis fly into the koi pond. Oh hell yes you are! Don’t just wing it out there like one of those bassmaster a-holes. Exercise the discipline to execute a perfect Japanese mountain stream tenkara cast. Within seconds the koi will hammer your fly due to the fact that they are conditioned to surface feed by the dude who tosses them their food every day. Try to schedule your outing about an hour before feeding time, the fish will be ripe for the catching! Once you hook your first koi don’t just reel it in willy-nilly, really make a show out of it. Let your drag scream as the obese goldfish runs on you time and time again. Eventually it will tire. Wet your hands before netting and handling the beauty if you intend to release it back into the wild of the Bank of America fountain. Ask a random to take a snapshot of you and your quarry with your polaroid camera. In the event that you catch a trophy decorative carp, forget the taxidermy. Take some of your always-at-hand cuddlefish ink and immortalize your achievement with a Japanese ink press of the fish’s form. Wow your friends for decades as you show them the Gyotaku from that day.

Pescetarianism is only one notch down from the zenith of hipster diets (veganism), so if you’re hungry don’t be afraid to prepare yourself a quick little shore lunch. First you’ll need to fillet the koi, find a sturdy cutting surface. Any city bench will do, but for maximum visibility I’d recommend the bus stop bench. Unsheathe your daggger and get gutting! Try not to be distracted by the normals asking you what the hell you’re doing. You need to maintain composure and a steady hand to remove the y-bones. As you work, cut a couple of smaller morsels and offer the onlookers some fresh sushi. Most of them will scoff at the idea, but be sure to exchange contact information with any hipsters who are daring (and awesome) enough to take you up on the offer. Once your fillets are ready for cooking, season them liberally with a blend of local spices that you’ve hand-foraged. After that, all that’s left to do is slow steam them over the sidewalk grate of your choosing (avoid the sewage ones). As you dine on the succulent meat, gaze upon the fountain that was the source of your sustenance. You’ll be the hipster catch of the day if you play this one right, get out there and get casting!