Downward Goat: Co-dePETdency

downward goat
I mean just look at that goat! Your emotional dependence has turned him into a depressed backpotato. He’s dying inside.

Well, it’s finally happened. We’ve created such a homo-sapien centric stress-ball of a world that we are forced to rely on our domesticated animals for comfort, relaxation, and emotional support. You can’t walk through an airport without seeing a long line of fragile needy humans lined up for some petting time with therapy dogs. It’s the ultimate in psychic subjugation and cross-species emotional slavery. If you can’t handle the twisted mess that is your life, DON’T FOIST IT ON YOUR DOG, and definitely DON’T DO YOGA WITH YOUR GOAT! Thankfully, there are some sane actors in the midst of this madness. A major airline drew the line on some hipster performance artist’s comfort peacock. Unfortunately, the bizarre cruelty had already emotionally scared the beautiful bird because the crybaby milk-toast human had named him “Dexter.” We’ve even anthropomorphized actual llamas to the extend that they have developed “berserk llama syndrome.”  We can’t make this stuff up, folks.  Look, just because your goldfish “Francis” doesn’t literally commit seppuku every time you come home from work sobbing over a mediocre performance review, it doesn’t mean she isn’t crying. Remember, you’ve entrapped her in a watery prison as your unpaid therapy-fish, and you can’t see her tears.

The 2018 Grammy for Best Picture is literally about a loner human falling in love with a fish person.

HOWTOHAWT:  So, the next time your flatmate, Selene, flops down on the couch mournfully sobbing and begins to unload on “Fonzie” the house Chi-Poo about her traumatic shift at the Juicery, you must act quickly. Go get Theo’s tweed blazer (the one with elbow patches) and field notes. Purposely stride into the living room, grab the moist-eyed pup and sit him firmly on the ottoman. Sit in the armchair, and, opening the notepad, posit “soooo, Herr Fonzie,  let’s begin with some word association.”

You’ve already trained him in advance to bark annoyingly with vegan dog treats when he hears the words “mother” and “pain.” You’ve also trained him to whimper when you dip your fountain pen in some ink, and to lay down and cover his head with his totally cute paws when you pull off your tiny circle specs while stroking your goatee and saying “I see.” Selene will be so stunned and humiliated that she’ll flee to her room and curl up in her hammock in embarrassed silence where she belongs. You can confidently know that you’ve saved the dog, this time.

Sigmund Freud was onto something when he said “time spent with cats is never wasted.” Not because it’s good for the wimpy humans, he was looking out for the cats! Cats are clearly immune to human attempts to use them as an emo-soak. They just don’t care. Cats have been ignoring our problems and still getting fed since the pharaohs. So human-up and either get a grip, or get a cat.


NOW: Rescue Chickens

He was so happy, for 5-6 weeks
He was so happy, for 5-6 weeks
According to this article, which was posted to our facebook page by reader Ken Savage (thanks!), many less-committed hipters are presently abandoning their backyard, free-range, ethically-raised, cage-free, organic chickens.

But don’t fret, elite hipsters turn lemons into lemonade. Well, more accurately they turn salak into juice-salak. What’s bad news for other hipsters is awesome news for you! Tomorrow morning at the artisan coffee shop you can nail (never staple) an advertisement to the cork board: “Rescue Chickens Wanted!” Leave your name and contact information. You could ask them to send a telegraph, in the event that you’re no-phoning and wait for them to flock (ha) to you with beautiful, attention-grabbing birds. Many of them will no longer lay eggs and about 37% will be roosters, but no matter, you’re not in this for the eggs … you’re in this for the cause! Once you’ve set up your rooftop coop along side your roof cow, you’ll be able talk at length how disgusted you are that some people just bought a bunch of chickens because it was a fad, and when it became slightly difficult they just gave up on their birds.

As for those of you who are abandoning the birds … why is it that the popularity of urban poultry farming is dwindling? It’s the poop right? poop. But there are other factors such as noise, smell, work, and a steadily amassing hatred for those stupid bastard birds.