On Point: Unicycle Archery

HWTNXT has been watching (and doing) archery for quite a while. With the popularity of Hunger Games, archery is now “Science Fashion” hawt . Now is the perfect time to trend blend it with the another hawt pursuit, and of course we choose the unicycle.

As evidenced by the video, we’re not alone. Mounted archery was a defining characteristic of the Eurasian nomads in antiquity and the “dandy horse” a fixture of poncy European aristocrats, this makes for a perfect one two punch for the modern Hawtster.

According to data provided by USA Archery, the sport’s governing body in the U.S., total membership in the association has jumped 262% from 2011 to 2014

How2Hawt: To honor the past, and take this into the future, we suggest the following.

First, spend a lot of money with Eryk Jadaszewski of polishhussarsupplyplus.com. When the HWTNXT office powerball pool hits, we’re buying this guy out and wearing this shit ALL THE FRIGGAN TIME. Must haves for unicycle archery are the Hussar Wing Sets and Bow and Arrow Cases.  We cannot stress enough how important Eryk’s work is to the future of re-enacting medieval Lithuania. This man must be supported in anything he does.

Dont ask, just do it!
Dont ask, just do it!

This focus on Polish Hussar mounted archery is not meant to diminish the rich tradition of Yabusame. But the religious component of modern Japanese mounted archery must be respected. We find winged Hussars to be somehow more “street.” The one homage we can pay however is the use of the Shinto phrase “In-Yo-In-Yo”, which translates to “darkness and light”, when an arrow is let fly.

So, as you roll up on the fire dance collective’s Equinox party practice, and proceed to empty your Hussar quiver into the side of their wooden supply cart full of accelerant and beads, gently balancing on one wheel while deeply intoning Japanese, you’ll gain fear, respect and admiration. Because you’ve just freaked out the freaky, and that’s HAWT.

Virtual Surreality

Nothing is hipper than the Victorians, right?
Your great grandmother was a into VR before you.

VR is HAWT! With viewers like Google Cardboard and Oculus Rift covering both ends of the income spectrum, it looks like virtual reality has sliced its way out of the geetk-tech gestalt and into the main stream. Basically, it uses binocular vision and your phone to give you a new perspective (actually two new perspectives) on the world around you. This is magnifying-lens-on-an-ant HAWT right now. Given that it’s just re-purposing an ancient (meaning pre-television) technology called stereoscopy, and that it has a hand held form factor, this absolutely satisfies the conditions of the Gilderman Hypothesis and therefore hip. As a mater of fact, it’s pegging the trend-o-tron right now, interestingly with Finland in the lead for regional search interest. We cannot yet determine if this means that Finland is a hipster hawtbed or that the Finnish are so depressed in “real life” that they are obsessed with virtual life. Both could be true.

Anyway, when a trend is peaking, it’s OVER! So what’s HAWT NEXT? Well after we’ve explored virtually all of reality, the only thing left is surreality. Don’t worry,  this can be achieved easily. Seeing as binocular vision is about bending light, VSR (yes, Virtual SurRealism ) is a perfect next logical step.

Surreality is when Artists painted unnerving, illogical scenes with photographic precision, created strange creatures from everyday objects and developed painting techniques that allowed the unconscious to express itself” –The 20th-Century art book. (Reprinted. ed.). London: Phaidon Press. ISBN 0714835420.

As with all good hipster-tech, this is based on some gadget which causes the user to become more and more isolated from others, leading an insular life in the name of hyper-connectivity and “social engagment.”

So here’s what you have to do.

Get as much odd bits of cardboard and a hot glue gun as you can. Toilet paper and paper towel tubes are a must! Now, with all the cubist verve you can muster, put together a whack ass pair of goggles. Tin foil, lenses from old glasses (the bigger, the better) all at odd angles will complete this infernal contraption. Make sure to create some way to strap it to your head so you can wear it later as you barge in to the tea house and stand in the middle of the room, hopefully interrupting a planning meet-up for Kale fest, and begin to gather images for your surrealist photo sphere. For added retro panache, use a bit of flash powder left over from when you were learning parlor magic as a hobby and have an assistant flash each time you “expose” a frame. That’s about 24 times so they’ll love this and get ready for some awesome facial expressions in your high tech futurist art master piece. Toss in some mutterings like “…mmm, melty…” or “Zang Tumb Tuuum!” to put the icing on the cake as you stuble around the room bumping into things trying to walk wearing your Virtual Surreality headset.

Frozen HOT: Ice Cave Exploration

Look. we usually don’t get excited about a lot of things because acting unimpressed and bored by everything anyone else does is standard hipster protocol. But this … THIS … is a must-do. Get in your Suberu wagon; gather up Ike, Matilda and Theo, and drive down the south shore of Lake Superior to the Apostle Islands National Lakeshore!!!

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Just to give you an idea of the scale here and just how immersed you will be in hip, here’s a shot from the parking lot that you will walk 2 miles to get to. Just 2 miles across a frozen lake in -40 windchill to go! YES! Note the red rectangle above is zoomed in below. So. Much. Hip.

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The group below is just a small sample of the legions of hip you will encounter. Note the strong fashion choices of skinny jeans and 1980’s bold color choices.

Oops, looks like leather skinny jeans guy from the shot above forgot his scarf. We know from Lenny Kravitz to never forget your scarf. Always adept at improvisation, he is using his wool coat at a wearable habitat. Nice move.

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Be sure to pull your iPhone from the depths of your free-cycled hemp handbag and get some close up shots of all the pretty icicles and caves!

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BEHOLD … THE KING HIPSTER OF THE MIDWEST REGION. Bow to your sensei! Yes, this guy is actually out in the freezing cold and he … he … he’s oil painting!! I don’t know if this can be topped as far as hip goes. At least we all have something to aspire to. What is he painting, I wonder?

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This is what he’s painting, and yeah, it’s amazing.

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Just one more look at our majesty. Note that he has some sort of vintage gloves that look like they were fashioned for sled dog racing on a sling. Damn, he’s amazing. What kind of boots are those. Nobody knows. Wow.

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As always, don’t forget your rescue dog and make sure he’s got his coat. Check out the two normals on the right. Snowmobile jackets? Seriously? Ugh. Unless they are wearing them to be ironic? *shrugs*

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These two were running on the way out. Maybe they literally had to, to survive. Considering yoga pants are the only defense from the frozen elements, I suppose this is expected. Adhoc survival runs will always be hip, so they are okay in my book.

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Well, that about does it for our tour. I hope you enjoyed it. In the event that you somehow can’t make it out to the caves this winter you can always kayak or better yet paddle board out to them in the spring if the lake ever thaws.

Bubbling Up: Lawrence Welk

welk
Higgs-Boson-Hot

As enamored as hipsters are with the neo-folk-pop-bluegrass wave, it’s soooo popular that, by definition, it’s got to be OVER! So, whats a self respecting hipster to do next if they shouldn’t be knee slapping anymore to TBT or are letdown when a “popular” band does something unexpected? The next hipster shiny musical object must continue that quintessential harkening back to a simpler, more earnest zeitgeist. In these VUCA filled times, nothing says banal and epic obscurity like the Lawrence Welk Show. It’s got everything. From not so subtly ironic numbers like “One Toke Over The Line” and the odd ass “Hippie” thing to more deep-hipster must haves like electronica and serious country music.

Imagine the effect when you burst into the next Co-Op board meeting wearing a polyester suit the color of fresh ketchup humming “Music to Watch Girls By.” The raised eyebrows (provided they haven’t been shaved off) will soon turn to nods of shamed agreement when you wax on about the work of color television pioneer Rose Weiss.

Of course this next musical exploration will also give you a chance to let everyone know how important it is to support public television by organizing weekly Welk viewing parties at your favorite sports bar. Everyone should dress like their favorite Lawrence Welk Family member and show up Saturday evening at “Schmitty’s” or “Schultz’s” right at 5pm (preferably when the big game is suuuper close) and use one of these spiffy DIY hipster-tech devices to swap the channel on all the huge TVs to LW on the local public television station. Stand up and yell “WELK SESH” and start dancing like Sissy and Bobbie doing a disco number. You’ll make a bunch of new friends.

Duct tape wallets: OVER!

hipsterducttapewalletHipsters love the idea of frugality and making something comment-worthy for all to admire. Hence the dawn and rapid dusk of duct tape wallets. Duct tape wallets enabled hipsters to show everyone just how utilitarian they were each and every time they bought a found object art piece to add a touch of whimsey to their heirloom tomato cottage garden. Unfortunately big box stores like Wal-Mart were on top of this trend and started selling them. Any hipster knows that once it appears on the selves of Wal-Mart, it is doomed to the likes of the randoms. Data suggests that duct tape wallets peaked in December of 2011 and have steadily dipped, proving that they are OVER!

If you currently have a duct tape wallet go to the bathroom, empty out the eleven dollars, whole foods membership card, and the number of the mousey girl with the beret that you met at an exclusive club, and pocket it. Throw the wallet in the garbage. Possible replacements include: armadillo skin, plastic sandwich bag, and free-cycled mini pringles can.

Why you should always write a haikus in April

hipstercoffeeshopJust as hipster trends change as the years go by, they also change as the YEAR goes by. It’s important to be mindful of seasonal fads as well as long term trends. I submit as an example this google trends report.

A simple search for “haiku” turned up this very pronounced seasonal shift in the popularity of haiku writing. We see clearly that the ONLY time to talk about or be seen at Starbucks writing haikus on your MacBook Pro with Retina Display with a “Coexist” sticker on the back is APRIL. I can’t speculate why people write haikus in early spring and stop altogether at the end of summer. It doesn’t really matter though, does it?

Hipster thought lesson: Would a better hipster move to be writing haikus when it is least popular each month? Either way, check your trends, people. Before you up and decide to take up beekeeping, hop on google trends and check it out. Don’t make a fool out of yourself and do something like wear your XXL Wayfarers in January. Or should you?