Sharp: Eating with a dagger

This guy, because I couldn't find a picture of anyone eating with a dagger, that's how NOW this is
This guy, because I couldn’t find a picture of anyone eating with a dagger, that’s how NOW this is

Looking for a new gastronomic utensil trend to show everybody just what’s on the plate for the next hipster trend? Toss the forks, spoons, sporks, and chopsticks and reach for a Knight’s dress dagger. You’ll be the talk of the vegan bistro as you unsheathe your ancient cutlery and and literally go medieval on that tofu!

“This is the way that people ate for centuries,” you can remark snidely as your hipster friends look you up and down with astonishment. For extra effect, after you finish your coconut medallions, reach into your retro neon fanny pack, pull out a whetstone, and begin honing your blade. Make sure it’s razor sharp before moving on to your amaranth and quinoa casserole.

When the meal is complete, wipe the blade clean with your fine red silk pocket square, and hold your dagger aloft, as if you’ve just brought forth the sword from the stone. Play with the light in the room and be sure that everyone catches a glimmer of brilliant illumination. Resheathe your only utensil smugly and wait for the gushing compliments to pour in. You’re the sharpest hipster out there, with your scythe, back axe, and now dagger. You’re welcome.

Chopping up: Back axing

The urban lumberjack, ready for anything

The normals are into carrying pocket knives and multi-tools, so what does a hipster do to really separate themselves from the flock? Carry a large Scandinavian forest axe on their back at all times of course!

Axes have been hot amongst a select group of urban lumberjacks for the last year or so, but this trend isn’t even close to reaching its full potential. Until you see that one dude named Kevin who still drinks PBR and rides a fixed gear bike sporting an axe you can wear yours with pride. Don’t just waltz into Wal-Mart and grab a fiberglass handled Fiskars or worse yet a Bear Grylls survival hatchet with nylon sheath. Make sure you buy one that was hand forged by a local artisan, maybe the guy who made your scythe. Bonus points if you make your own handle from native organic free-range hickory, or better yet ironwood.

Since the original posting of this important trend, Axes now have hero epic status. Ax Cop ALWAYS has his ax. What will you say when people ask you about your axe? (and you know they will, which you’ll love). “Why am I carrying an axe? Perhaps a better question is why aren’t you?”

Trending Up: Braunschweiger

I really took this at a symphony event
I really took this at a symphony event

This trend anomaly flies in the face of the current so-popular-its-OVER! status of organ meats in general. Hipsters are violently opposed to most offal as a matter of course, but patrilineal connections run too deep to sever ties with the perfection in pink that is your mainstream liverwurst. The primary attraction is, of course, it’s malleability. Prized for it’s pliant consistency and succulent aftertaste, when you whip out several moist chunks rendered to function as RPG dice at the GameCon and proceed to roll a critical hit on the cobalt dragon about to breath weapon your cleric, you’ll really turn some heads and wet some appetites. Spread them on hard-tack crackers while the dungeon master totals your experience points.

You can continue to impress your gaming party by discussing how artisanal German schweiger meisters confidently pack smoked pig livers into fibrous casings and, tying them off with a kurt flourish, slice them apart, one at a time, so they plop into special Leberwurst Warenkorb for delivery.

A rich source of iron and vitamin A, this is the stout Teutonic cousin of the creamier, and French, pâté. Whislt quaffing ales waiting to be hired for the next attempt to breach The Hidden Shrine of Tamoachan, you can recount your visit ( actually just the web site) to Stryhn’s Leverpostej on Amager isle, south of Copenhagen. Eat the last disc off the tip of your tantō and they will soil their armor like brave Sir Robin.

Tomorrow: Writing with a Quill

The ballpoint pen is OVER!
The ballpoint pen is OVER!

Imagine this, you arrive slightly late to the marketing meeting. Everyone looks up from their tablets, notebooks, and smartphones only to see you patiently preparing your work area. First, extract a curious bottle filled with a brown substance from your canvas rucksack. Next, pull out a small knife (I’ll explain in a moment). Then, some very old-timey looking parchment. And finally, the pièce de résistance, your hand-fashioned quill!

Your co-workers will marvel at your crude writing implement as they gaze at the large swan-feather with wonderment. Then the questions will start pouring in, which you’ll love. As you examine the tip of your quill and begin to shape it with your quill knife you can answer them dismissively. “Yes, it’s a quill, it’s from the primary left flight feather of a female trumpeter swan that lost it in her annual moult.” As the onslaught of questions continue you can carefully uncork your jar of cuttlefish ink and dip the quill liberally. Scribe the date in the upper right hand corner of the parchment in your best calligraphy. If there is any actual marketing discussed at tomorrow’s meeting, despite the enormous distraction your quill will provide, you can write meticulous notes. As you finish each page roll the parchment and affix it with your own wax seal. If you are in a haughty mood, use the tip of your quill to gesture at your co-workers, nothing is more demeaning than being put in one’s place with a feather.

There are all kinds of reasons this trend is emerging. As you should know by now, hipsters are all about doing something BEFORE anyone else is doing it. Well I’ll have you know that the quill was used BEFORE the invention of the dip pen, the metal-nibbed pen, the fountain pen, and, eventually, the ballpoint pen. It’s five generations back! Perfect! The ink alone will provide you with at least 37 minutes of dialogue on the rarity and difficulty of extracting cuttlefish ink and the importance of their brown ink vs. the black of octopus and the blue-black of the common squid. Also, as they thumb away on their lame iPad you can tell people that quill pens were used to write the vast majority of medieval manuscripts, the Magna Carta, and the Declaration of Independence.

Don’t just buy a lame Harry Potter writing quill on Amazon , find your own. It will give you an excuse to go on a hike and commune with nature (always hot). Get on this one tomorrow, because it won’t be long until you see that one dude named Kevin using a quill at Starbucks to write haikus.