Saving Real Clowns from Creepy Clowns

This is actually Lon Chaney.
This is actually Lon Chaney.

C’mon hipsters and hawtsters here’s what happens when you pay us no heed, we originally wrote about the need to save the clowns three years ago. Now in their hour of most dire need, we sound off again. Even NPR and  CNN are alerting us to the creepy clown invasion. It is IMPERATIVE the we reclaim the clown from the media fired hell that has begun to consume it. DO what it takes to tropebust this NOW to save us from our own perverse need to twist joy into fear!

Creepy clowns are OVER! Real clowns need our help. It is imperative that all hipsters, acknowledged masters of recycle and reuse, tie on some oversize shoes and ridiculously step forward to reclaim the clown from horror movies and nightmares to place them once again where they belong, smack dab in the middle of our funny times. For too long now hipsters have let the forces of evil and commercialism abscond with the very font of happiness and homespun hilarity that is a clown. This is ripe turf for all levels of hipsters, from younglings to advanced. There are several ways to begin this sacred quest, both viable.

How2Hawt: The first is a direct path to months of good conversation topics and stories to mystify your housemates, find and join a clown school. Imagine the gleeful surprise when you walk in to the commune with an arm load of vegan banana pies and begin hurling them at the gardening committee. Those are shrieks of joy you’re hearing for sure. When your baker’s dozen are covering the room you can shrug and say “Homework!” then give your signature clown laugh, (btw, get a signature clown laugh) and do a silly two step out the door of the moon porch. Clown school is perfect for hipsters who are looking for reasons why things are funny. Remember, the more facts you know about something and the more you talk about doing that thing, the closer you get to actually doing it without really having to. This is hipster gold. A great film to reference is Fellini’s “The Clowns (I Clowns). It’s suuuper meta and will give you countless obscure tidbits to throw out, even during nose painting practicum at clown school, you’ll love this.

The error [of these clowns] has so taken hold that they are not forbidden from the residences of great men, those indeed who expose their bodies’ shameful members in front of everyone, so that even a cynic blushes to see it. Still more astonishing, the clowns are not ejected even when the racket of their bottoms befouls the air with repeated noise, more shamefully emitting what is shamefully held in. (John of Salisbury – Policraticus 1159)
The error [of these clowns] has so taken hold that they are not forbidden from the residences of great men, those indeed who expose their bodies’ shameful members in front of everyone, so that even a cynic blushes to see it. Still more astonishing, the clowns are not ejected even when the racket of their bottoms befouls the air with repeated noise, more shamefully emitting what is shamefully held in.
(John of Salisbury – Policraticus 1159)
The other path to hipster hijinks and the resurrection of the clown is to go solo, or as we call it rogue rouge. Start by having a sneezing fit at the yoga studio. After you pull 5 meters of multicolored rags from your nose, tie them up and call it a Buddhist prayer flag, you’ll stun them long enough to apply a foamy red nose, white face paint and 1 mascara tear. Nothing helps lighten up a serious session of intense Hatha yoga like fart noises during sun salutations. Don’t worry, their silence is just awe and inner joy. BE ADVISED, Actually farting for entertainment purposes is ancient white hat clown wizardry that you are NOT APPROVED to attempt. You can keep the giggles going by grabbing all their antique neti pots and juggle them. So what if they’ve been just used. This is serious fun and you are just being विदूषक जैसा.

So remember, this is a TOP PRIORITY HAWTSTER MISSION! We must save the clown at all costs, our future relies on your actions today. So pack all your hawtster friends in a smart car, pull up in front of the freegan tea bistro and keep on coming out. Do it for Bozo!