Right AGAIN!

We pegged this one back in May of 2013 with our insightful expose on Scything your Lawn. As you can see from the google trends report in the article, lawn scything has since flat-lined.  Good, and also easily predictable.  Why cut plants?  Murderers.  It’s better to craft a sustainable pollinator habitat or a permicultural edible landscape.  Duh.

NOW: Rescue Chickens

He was so happy, for 5-6 weeks
He was so happy, for 5-6 weeks
According to this article, which was posted to our facebook page by reader Ken Savage (thanks!), many less-committed hipters are presently abandoning their backyard, free-range, ethically-raised, cage-free, organic chickens.

But don’t fret, elite hipsters turn lemons into lemonade. Well, more accurately they turn salak into juice-salak. What’s bad news for other hipsters is awesome news for you! Tomorrow morning at the artisan coffee shop you can nail (never staple) an advertisement to the cork board: “Rescue Chickens Wanted!” Leave your name and contact information. You could ask them to send a telegraph, in the event that you’re no-phoning and wait for them to flock (ha) to you with beautiful, attention-grabbing birds. Many of them will no longer lay eggs and about 37% will be roosters, but no matter, you’re not in this for the eggs … you’re in this for the cause! Once you’ve set up your rooftop coop along side your roof cow, you’ll be able talk at length how disgusted you are that some people just bought a bunch of chickens because it was a fad, and when it became slightly difficult they just gave up on their birds.

As for those of you who are abandoning the birds … why is it that the popularity of urban poultry farming is dwindling? It’s the poop right? poop. But there are other factors such as noise, smell, work, and a steadily amassing hatred for those stupid bastard birds.

Hot: Scything your lawn

hipsterscytheAccording to treehugger.com, gas-powered lawn mowers put out as much smog as 40 cars. I don’t know if that’s true or not but I will tell you that it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not and that it’s a great thing for you to say to people when they ask you what the hell you’re doing in your yard. What are you doing? You’re scything of course! For a long time hipsters have been using old fashioned reel mowers because they feel all old-timey and remind people of the days of Dennis the Menace. But everyone has heard of reel mowers being used again, and there’s even advanced hipsters who bike mow. Reel mowers are OVER!

So if you insist on having a yard rather than an organic edible permaculture landscape, there’s only one way to cut the grass… a scythe! Be sure to select a handmade scythe, preferably by a local artisan. Remember that when working with a scythe there is about a 40% chance of accidental decapitation. That’s the cost of being hip… totally worth it! Try to pick times of the day where people are most likely to see you working, and will ask you what you’re doing. Then you can talk for 20 to 30 minutes about “how fragile our planet really is,” and how you’re “leading by example.” Also, be sure to pick up a few books on hand tools and try to get people to ask you what you’re reading. I suggest Hand Tools: Their Ways and Workings

 

UDPATE 12-08-16 : This IS a thing