On Point: Unicycle Archery

HWTNXT has been watching (and doing) archery for quite a while. With the popularity of Hunger Games, archery is now “Science Fashion” hawt . Now is the perfect time to trend blend it with the another hawt pursuit, and of course we choose the unicycle.

As evidenced by the video, we’re not alone. Mounted archery was a defining characteristic of the Eurasian nomads in antiquity and the “dandy horse” a fixture of poncy European aristocrats, this makes for a perfect one two punch for the modern Hawtster.

According to data provided by USA Archery, the sport’s governing body in the U.S., total membership in the association has jumped 262% from 2011 to 2014

How2Hawt: To honor the past, and take this into the future, we suggest the following.

First, spend a lot of money with Eryk Jadaszewski of polishhussarsupplyplus.com. When the HWTNXT office powerball pool hits, we’re buying this guy out and wearing this shit ALL THE FRIGGAN TIME. Must haves for unicycle archery are the Hussar Wing Sets and Bow and Arrow Cases.  We cannot stress enough how important Eryk’s work is to the future of re-enacting medieval Lithuania. This man must be supported in anything he does.

Dont ask, just do it!
Dont ask, just do it!

This focus on Polish Hussar mounted archery is not meant to diminish the rich tradition of Yabusame. But the religious component of modern Japanese mounted archery must be respected. We find winged Hussars to be somehow more “street.” The one homage we can pay however is the use of the Shinto phrase “In-Yo-In-Yo”, which translates to “darkness and light”, when an arrow is let fly.

So, as you roll up on the fire dance collective’s Equinox party practice, and proceed to empty your Hussar quiver into the side of their wooden supply cart full of accelerant and beads, gently balancing on one wheel while deeply intoning Japanese, you’ll gain fear, respect and admiration. Because you’ve just freaked out the freaky, and that’s HAWT.

Meta Level: Skateboard Glasses

Shredding is 20/20

We all know the quintessential hallmark of hipster-hipsterness is black plastic framed glasses. But let’s face it, you wouldn’t be here if you were the average hipster, you’re looking for the next hipster trend. You want to leave Kevin and his case of PBR in the dust on your way to a whole new meta-hipster plateau.

It’s time to trade in your plastic frames for wood ones. But not just any wood, you want reclaimed hipster genius. Head straight for refurbished skateboard wood frames. You may mastered the ollie back in the day, but your refusal to jump on board with mainstream health insurance would make practicing your laser flips and the resulting broken ankle an impossibility. Who can afford the deductible for that?

Rising: Half Pants

wowza
Somehow, we cant find a pic of men’s half-pants. Anyone care to shoot a selfie after doing this one?

It’s Summer and shedding the layers helps, especially when climate change is wreaking havoc with the thermometer, making it dance like an egg on a Death Valley roadside. (

How’s a hipster to get cool without “being cool?”

Why, just slice off one of your pants legs of course.

Like the weather, half pants are NIF-Hot right now. This is an IMPORTANT TREND and there can be no cutting corners. Just unzipping below the knee of those fuddy-duddy Columbia trekking pants is a cop out… And those gothic “one legged pants” are nothing but narcissistic boy-skirts asking for a spanking … don’t even think about it. There is only one way to own this hipster gold and that’s by taking a pinking shears and slicing off one leg of a pair of pleated dockers at just below the pocket lining. Just feel the freedom! Stride with confidence into your next HR review, put the foot from the bare leg up on the chair, cup your chin in your hands and say “Let’s DO this thing!” Make sure your socks are baggy and loose at the ankle to complete the effect.

The half-pant is not only cooling and comfortable, it also says you’re a flexible, complex and cultured person. All admirable hipster qualities. At the same time casual and “businessy”, it’s the perfect ultra-committal non-committed assertion. When, and if, people dare to ask, you can reply auf Deutsch.

Diese halbe-hosen wurden direkt aus Hamburg für mich heute geflogen. Haben sie ein Kompliment meine Wadenmuskeln?

then take out a briar pipe, bang against your exposed inner thigh, and light up knowing you won this round.

Now: UpSocking

UpSocks
This has it ALL going on!

Socks are the red headed bastard child of daily attire. This makes them the perfect growth zone and hipster fashion cause célèbre. Long over looked as mere “foot tubes” the sock has a long and venerable history of serving humanity. This wide, and currently underrated, story is ripe for exploitation. We’ll get to that later. First, get sock-gressive! Reach down and feel those cloth tubes loosely gathered around your ankles. What!! NO SOCKS!! Firstly, don’t tell me you’re bare-footing .. We covered it aeons ago, so it has to be over by now. And further, DON’T tell me you are not wearing socks. That is Sooo Kevin. Even Kevin is tired of ruining another pair of Keens with his stink foot just to say he “feels free” and “doesn’t have warts.” Give us a break. You have socks on and you know it…Don’t be ashamed like we said, you’re taking part of one of the greatest human epic sagas to never be told. The Saga of Socks! Now you’re feeling it, that’s right … go on and play with your socks because they don’t deserve to just sit there, all saggy and ruffled, your socks demand attention. They demand respect, they demand to be grabbed onto and pulled straight up your leg, elevated to their fullest possible potential. Stretch those sock up! And keep them up! Remember, looking like you’re casual takes a lot of attention to detail.

Sharing your new “sock-taughtnes” is the most important thing you have to deal with. How else can everyone appreciate how much you appreciate obscure niches of cultural reference? Of course wearing shorts, if you must wear anything other than socks (UpSock Streaking is a whole level of hip that, we’re sorry to say, you shouldn’t even consider) shorts make for the quickest showcase of your new found fashion commitment. Remember, people expect to see pulled up socks on menschen, die Lederhosen tragen and , of late, some sports celebrities so skip that. To have the greatest value, you want your UpSocking to be shocking.

Go find the longest pair of black socks you can get and, here’s where you have to really stretch, you know that guy in I.T. who works at the helpdesk? … Yeah, the one who does cosplay and works as a juggler at renfest. Ask him for his garters. At first he’ll cock his head at you and move your name down his list of RAM upgrades … keep at it, butter him up by talking retro web browsing and mention the “singularity” … pretty soon he’ll listen and even eager bring his prized garters in (serious trendtron points if he offers to bring you to a “munch” … decline claiming you’re too “vanilla”) Tell him you’ll have them back. If he’s a geek worth his salt these will be beauties. They may even have bangles on them. Now, pull up your new polyester socks and clamp on the garters. Feel the tight fit, the skin like adherence to your shins. Head to your marketing meeting, the one where you have to present on SEO to the web scrum. Just before you walk into the meeting room, push the left one all the way down to your ankle. Enter the meeting. Fidget and fuss as consultants stand in front of the group spouting on about “APIs” and “Haptic Blah-de-blahs”, make sure your co-workers notice how uncomfortable you are. Finally, as you launch into your awesome prezi about client demographics, do a dead stop … look at the consultants in the eye and slowly roll up your left pants leg. Roll it way up … as far as possible .. you don’t work out so you should be able to get it to about mid-thigh (to bad you don’t half-pant) DONT STOP STARING AT THE CONSULTANTS … dealing with this is how they really earn their money. Once you’ve got the pants rolled up, grab the ribbed cuff of the black sock and stretch that thing suuuper tight ..so tight that your leg hair is coming through the fabric. Then fix the clasp on I.T. guy’s renfest garter. Launch into a concise history of the Knights and Ladies of the Noble Order of the Garter. Mention Prince William is the 100th Knight of the Garter (everyone loves him) and finish your prezi with a newly found over confidence. They’ll all be rushing out to buy garters later that day. Your work here will be finished.

Trending Up: Infographics about Hipsters

Well, you all knew it would come to this. We at NHT want to meet you where you live. And you know, that means pictures. It’s not real unless there’s an infographic, right? Infographics are center-of-the-sun hot right now, here’s even an infographic about infopraphics, which is super meta and that’s hipster platinum. With the help of Paul at PMC3, NHT has developed our first foray into the world of a thousand words .. the highly scientific and totally arbitrary “Hipster Ranking System by Hat Brim Length.” So click, save and print (on a repurposed internal memo about hats in the office of course). Put it by the coffee machine in the refreshments alcove at the CoLLab or by the seltzer bay at the cheese mongering institute. We recommend lamination for use at the local bar during the next Duck, Duck, Goose show. Enjoy.

know your brim size
Print this out and laminate immediately, makes a handy bookmark for those long afternoons hipster watching at the vegan tea conclave. Produced by Paul from Paul Connolly 3 design.

Hot: Habitat Pants

Your fly is open.
Your fly is open.

It might seem that the trending desires to stay at home more AND get out more are in direct opposition. Well, not so fast. Clothes that convert in to a place to sleep are power tower hot right now. The ultimate in form attempting to meet function, fashion designers are embracing the new trend of creating wearable tents and jackets that turn into sleeping bags. This up and comer is deeply rooted in the very hip trend to “stay at home more” AND the innate hipster need to be seen on the scene, so it’s a classic multi-trend. Actually, this trend is nothing new, strangely it’s been part of the “deep normal” culture for quite a while. Dress Barn has been a staple of American mall culture for years. Hipsters try to stay away from the mall so maybe that’s why they’re only just now catching on to this exciting blend of structure and couture.

So the next time you’re at civic brass practice and it begins to rain torrents, you and your euphonium will, with a few quick zips, have turned your seersucker trousers into a mountain climbing rock face shelter, staying bone dry. Invite the others to enter and keep their handlebar mustaches from becoming moist and saggy while claiming factually, “Look, I’ve pitched a tent!”

OVER! Black Leggings and Knee High Boots

leggings
is she a pirate?

As a guy, this one is hard for me to write. I have to admit that, yes I’m looking at legs and I can’t help but notice the skin tight black leggings worn by trendish female hipstanistas. They are leaving very little to the imagination. I readily admit, I admire the female form, but toss in the set of thigh high boots and you have the most OVER! of all current fashion trends. The high level of popularity of this trend make it a candidate for immediate cease and desist. It’s peaking so hard that it’s like a bath-salt junkie in a Aveda aroma-therapy demo.

I want to approach this from the male perspective. Maybe I want to wear this kind of stuff. I mean this look isn’t that far from canonical Han Solo. Strap on a good blaster at your side and you’re ready to do the Kessle Run in under 12 parsecs. Seriously though I’ve considered getting some meggings and trying this fashion out. How do you think it would go over for me, a stocky middle aged paleo-hipster, strutting down the terrazzo hallway at the mid-sized Midwestern private college where I work, wearing skin tight black leggings and thigh high swashbucklers boots?

Just let that image settle in your mind a bit.

I don’t think too much time would pass before my manager would be inviting me to a special meeting with HR and security.

So lady hipsters, to be clear … The tights and high boots thing is OVER!

So, not to leave you hanging with no options, NHT is tracking the rain boot / welly / red spot / galosh trend. And it’s rising faster than a arctic ice melt pool in August. Along with planetary warming and rising ocean levels, we see the rise of hip waders for hipsters. It’s perfect! Now you’ll be able to still make the felting circle even if Emma’s neighborhood is under a flash flood alert. They’re uni-sex, utilitarian and under-appreciated. All very desirable hipster qualities. You wont need to angle for compliments, while you’re angling for run-away barracudas from the civic aquarium, during next year’s 500 year flood event.

Skin tight never felt so right.

OVER! Having a Phit over your trademarked old person Sunglasses

imageThe open-air flea market was flush that day. You picked up a few Herb Alpert records, a Frankenberry T-shirt, a crocheted hat made out of purple yarn and Old Style cans (later that night on the rooftop you called this “folk art” and we all nodded in agreement), a vintage bike bell, and a pair of sweet sunglasses that are designed to lay on top of other glasses.

You couldn’t believe your score. Everyone was having a fit over those kind of sunglasses that summer and Walgreens couldn’t even keep them in stock. Most people wore new ones, crisp black boxes slid over black-framed nerd glasses. A few adventurous souls wore the “As Seen On TV” amber-lensed version, which promised to give “HD Vision.” But yours were different. They stood out, with their frames smudged and worn down by the gnarled fingers of some nameless nonagenarian. They reeked of stale Pall Malls and Ben Gay, but you didn’t wash them off; they were perfect as they were. Authentic. What made those scratches on the side? A bad spill down the stairs, or more general use? You thought with envy of all the items that must have rattled around alongside them in that old lady’s purse. Every one of those items would look well dench on your nightstand.

But listen up, Salvador: The time has come to take a walk past the nursing home and leave those things sitting on a retaining wall. You have a burden riding on your face, and we’re not talking about your trash-stash, which is coming along nicely by the way. Options include laser eye protection and most groovy, Inuit-style snow goggles made with roadkill bone.

At this point, having a fit over these kind of sunglasses is like wearing a pair of novelty glasses from a 2002 New Year’s Eve party. Actually, scratch that. Those would be pretty sweet.

Flatlined: Men’s Pointed Toes Shoes

pointy shoes
pointed toes in the wild

Nothing says “I have no practical need for these shoes” like pointed toes on dress shoes for men. Perhaps understandable for cowboys who need to prod a bull out of a cage at the rodeo, it’s simply out for the urban hipster. Wearing elegant and directional oxfords like these, one can see how dangerous escalator riding might be. Toe cramping and clumsy curb digs are a thing of the past, the need for the long, angular and jutting toe box has past. Hipsters can let this one go. Andy agrees with us.