Mix it Up: Condiment Blending

So much about this ad-hoc desk snack with a basic hot sauce blend is so right!

Postmodernism is woven deep throughout the trendster ethos, and this certainly holds true for squeezable food adornments! The hawtness of this up-and-comer is currently exemplified by a seismically ironic and disquieting resonance in countless social media posts (mostly the result of insidious paid social amplification) about the dawning of the age of Mayochup. Yes, not satisfied to have separate containers for both their creamy egg white-based spread and the venerable tomato-based staple; American consumers are excited to have them unified in a single dispensing apparatus!

Is this further evidence of the epidemic laziness and sloth of our culture? We say NAY! This is may very well be the height of squeezable science. Falling eerily in line with the Gilderman Hypothesis, anything having to do with condiments themselves is undeniably and exceedingly trend worthy. Short of re-creating the tasty Roman condiment made of smashed up fish guts and salt called Garum, blending whatever is at hand is a quick and satisfyingly colorful way of becoming a hyper-trendy foodinista.

There is so much about this to relish. Not only is Mayochup an exciting new branded product for trendsters to trumpet to each other, it also makes the huge problem of “condi-crowding” a thing of the past. As table sizes diminish and the plethora of crowd-funded artisan sauces, spreads, and chutneys become a dizzying blur of potentially sticky situations, the available space at the dining surface becomes premium.

PB & J – The only REAL way!

No discussion of blended condiments is worth its pink Himalayan salt (pre-mixed with course ground white pepper of course) without recognizing the unquestioned leader in the mixed-spread space, J.W. Smucker’s Goober! The wise food sages behind this not only realized that kids are the ultimate exploitable consumers and that breakfast-making parents are attracted to anything which can save any speck of valuable prep-time. They also realized that at the heart of many profit driving trends (and also at the heart of Zen Buddhist philosophy), is anything inherently based on engaging with the dichotomy of opposites, such as selling peanut butter and jelly in the same jar.  Yin-yang YUM!


Step one is to completely erase the word mayonnaise or mayo from your vocabulary. Simple, single purpose, spreads are now dead to you. So do a mental “find and replace” and paste in “aioli sauce” in any instances of the word “mayonnaise.”  Most of your hipster friends will already be well aware of what aioli sauce is (basically mayonnaise with a splash or two of something else), but chances are nobody at work will, the bunch of losers.

Another basic … never reach for “Frenches” mustard again.  You want giant, loud and proud mustard seeds suspended throughout a brownish-hued viscous reclaimed canning jar (never use a plastic squeeze bottle, you monster).  Hopefully, you still have a horseradish root in the back of your freezer from last year’s organic edible landscape.  Grind some of that into the jar and make sure everyone sees you as your eyes begin swelling shut from the fumes.  Now THAT’s mustard!  Badass.

Hot sauces.  We could probably write an entire treatise on the subject and likely eventually will so stay tuned.  For today, some foundational heuristics … Mitch in the mailroom likes to brag about how he can down an entire 8 oz bottle of 9-million Scoville unit extract sauce along with his Taco Bell Gordita.  Mitch in the mailroom is an asshole.  Get hot sauces that are “hot” but actually have good flavor.  Here’s a good example.  If you think you’re going to impress Thora the quirky and loveable barista by gnawing on a Carolina Reaper while waiting for your pistachio-rose latte you are dead wrong, like your taste buds.

Enough with the basics. Now, it is the time once again to channel your inner Bob Ross. Remember back when the local plein air painter needed to make some cash, and you immediately signed up for his “Paint like Bob Ross” classes. You’re about to put your skills to good, and tasty, results.

Grab your (as of yet unused) Bob Ross brand palette.  Replace the dabs of phthalo blue or burnt umber with any of the plethora of hot sauces, pickled relishes and verdant salsas which dominate the fridge you share with your flatmates. Be liberal with your choices, too many blobs of condiments here is not enough! Now, with a fist full utensils and the same plein air easel that you used to paint miniature canvases at the ice caves, stride into the food co-op during the free-range paleo-vegan chili cook-off benefit that you lost last year. They’ll remember you from the frozen chili you made because you proudly called it “chilly.”

As you set up the easel begin with the Ross quotes.  Claim “talent is a pursued interest” while laying down a brisk whisking of scotch bonnet marmalade as a base. As those around get splattered with specks of burning flavor, continue with “there’s nothing wrong with having a tree as a friend!” If you paid attention while at the painting class, you’ll soon have a vague and impressionist seascape built out of yummy sauces. Make sure to paint some happy little ducks using actual duck sauce and blend out the school of pollock, swimming underwater, with fish-n-chips vinegar. The ironic poignancy of these details will not be lost on the security guards when they attempt to shut you down. As you are being dragged off the premises, gleefully licking your canvas, stare at the chili team from the local food shelf and assert, “We don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents.”

Boxing Up: Delivered Kits

It’s couch time, you’re latest shipment from cuddlebuddies.com has arrived. If you’re keeping Leo for more than 24 hours don’t forget to petfoodfeed.com him.

Finally the ultimate hipster / hawtster activity symbolizing engaged detachment has arrived, boxed kit deliveries. No more muss, no more fuss, no more annoying shopping and the tedious lists that are never ever completely emptied. You’ve already let hunting (unless it’s online for birthday party themes) fall into the dim mists of the past, now it’s time to sever the stone chains of gathering go too! Not limited to meal-kits, the pre-packaged and drone-delivered revolution now extends to full spectrum living. From birth to death, the pesky need to go to a store is a thing of the past.

HOWTOHAWT: The eternal “what next” problem still remains, after you’ve sufficiently impressed the neo-brutalists in your Thursday architecture discussion group with your awesome package opening and burner turning-on skills, there’s still that icky issue of what to to with the grimy and germ infested flat, sharp and pointy things you used to do the chef-ing. Out of elbow grease? Don’t have a sink? No Problem! If you haven’t already crushed or repurposed the box, you’re golden. Just toss that dirty dinner detritus in there, print a shipping label (use the printer at work because you don’t have one) and return it to the mysterious oblivion from whence it came. “But wait!” You assert, “what am I to do these uneaten vinegar roasted broccoli florets and artisanal baguette crusts?” Not to worry (btw – your flatmate, Theo, is really concerned about all your worrying)! With one click, shipscraps.com, sends your unused food to a thin and hungered person of your choosing. That’s right, you even get a poor person profile and starvation dashboard so you can see the real impact your left-overs making in the world. How about that, just by not giving into the capitalist “market” economy and having everything shipped, pre-prepared, in boxes to your front door.  Now, #THATSHAWT!

Plummeting Trend: Engastration

Inserting all these layered meats inside a huge cupcake can’t even resurrect this fading fad

Engastration, which lies somewhere between a creative culinary delight and the result of a petting zoo disaster, experienced a considerable trend spike in the past several years, but is now coming out of a plateau and into a sharp plummet. For those not familiar with the technical term, engastration involves stuffing one animal within another, within another, within another (and so on). In the event that this description does not sound familiar, allow me to sum it up in one pseudo-word: TURDUCKEN.

The turducken, what can be said … popularized by none other than John Madden, it seems that chefs have achieved in the kitchen what animal husbandry has failed, with considerable effort, to accomplish in thousands of years: create the holy grail of a birdlike agglomeration that pairs well with cranberry sauce, a warm red beet salad, AND bbq sauce. How did mankind progress so far in all of these centuries without this convenient consolidation?

Unfortunately, like many food novelties, once everyone’s Uncle Terry or Cousin Steve has bought or constructed this unnatural combination and brought it to at least one family function (explaining in intricate detail how truly novel this dish is, almost as novel as the cyclical rediscovery of deep frying turkeys or roasting a chicken with a beer can up its butt), interest begins to fade. In other words – the turducken’s wings have been clipped! The only possible salvation of this as a trend might be to expand the range of the animals stuffed into one another. Starting with inserting a Baluchistan pygmy jerboa into a mole and ending by stuffing an elephant into a blue whale may, but not with total certainly, give this trend a few months more life. But let’s face it, even if you had the means to make this happen your friends might think you’ve gone a bit too far this time (a first).

the last turducken thanksgiving
the last turducken thanksgiving

As a public service announcement, I would like to interrupt this trend observation with the following warning: Reader beware, the turducken is not to be confused with a turd-auckin, which is German for “turd sandwich”. It seems that this homophonic linguistic mistake has created a parasite trend in the demand, preparation, and serving of turd sandwiches at eateries throughout the world. The timing could not be more fortuitous, because where the German’s are slipping in overall engineering prowess, they are making up for it with some very well-engineered turd sandwiches. OK, so maybe this is less of a public service announcement than an opportunity to repeatedly use the phrase turd sandwich while taking a jab at a lagging trend that erroneously assigns exceptional engineering to all things German … thank you, now back to our regularly scheduled entry.

There is not doubt that the actual turducken trend was catapulted by Madden in the first decade of the 2000s, but non-turducken engastration reached its peak several centuries ago. Historically speaking, one of the earliest documented forms of engastration is the whole roasted camel, which is traditionally a camel stuffed with a lamb, which is stuffed with a coup full of chickens, who are each individually stuffed with a variety of goodies – rice, apples, eggs, and seemingly anything else that meets the requirement of being mildly edible, available, and able to fit inside a chicken. Think of it as a paperless piñata, of sorts, that you hack open with a machete rather than a stick, and you are treated to a variety of flesh and mammal giblets rather than candy. It is said that the whole roasted camel provides a feast that will feed upwards of 80 people, and is typically reserved for special occasions among the very elite. Due to the scale of this engastration undertaking and the relative shortage of “roasting grade camels”, the reader will quickly understand why the whole roasted camel has been a declining trend over the past several centuries, with a current rate of two such dishes being produced annually, worldwide.

sooo over, turducken cupcakes with a bacon moustaches
sooo over, turducken cupcakes with a bacon moustaches

Unfortunately, there is an economic factor associated with the fading of any widespread trend (ask the quarry that provided the raw materials for pet rocks), and there is no amnesty here. Financial loss to the engastration industry – the turducken machine – is rippling across the globe. Nothing points to the struggle to stay relevant more readily than the panicked and transparent attachment of the turducken to several rising trends. In the past few weeks, you have no doubt been bombarded by the viral Norwegian video “What Does the Turducken Say?” and more brazen – the inundation of Pinterest and Facebook with recipes for turducken cupcakes with a bacon moustaches.

Gobble, quack, cluck – put a fork in it, the turducken is DONE!

Food Flash: Monovore Diet

We’ve covered a lot of fad diets here at NHT, but it’s been awhile since we made the switch to paleo, and lots of people have heard of it and/or are doing it so it’s probably time to do something extremely different. After much thought we recommend becoming a monovore. What’s a monovore you ask? Never heard of it? Well that’s because we literally just made it up. Perfect.

It’s a simple concept really, you just pick a single food item and eat only that. Ever. It’s a great diet for NOW because people really admire strict diets that don’t allow for any incongruity. Now before you pick your one food … no cheating. You can’t say pizza or burritos because they are an amalgam of ingredients. It’s important that it is just one thing, even spice additions like the mainstays salt and pepper are off limits (unless you choose one of them as your only food source, but that will probably kill you in within a couple of days). I’m not going to limit your imagination by narrowing down just one suggestion (mine would be local, organic, grass fed, certified angus top-sirloin, medium rare, grilled), I invite you to be creative. A word of caution though, if you go with something with a lot of tannins you may physically take on the color of your food. I’m not a scientist, but I can say with relative certainty that in addition to being extremely gassy and generally unapproachable you will undoubtedly turn green if you only eat broccoli. If you dare select onions or any member of the allium family like the uber-hot leek you are either a complete fool or a hipster beyond even my soothsaying.

Just imagine the looks on your friend’s faces at the farmers market when they see you load two reclaimed pallets full of avocados into your Subaru. “What are you doing with all of those avocados?” Look at them quizzingly, and a bit disappointed. “I’m going to eat them.” Pause for effect. “Only them.” Their jaws will be on the floor. Within seconds the questions will come firing in from all sides (which you’ll love) … “Won’t you get sick?” “Can you do that?” “Don’t you miss ice cream?” “Will you actually die?” Awesome. Now you get to drone on for about 37 minutes about “the dangers of combining too many food resources into variety” and “your need to re-connect with the avocado.” As always, if you follow our tried and true suggestions you’ll be on the fast track to elite hipsterdom. A word of caution though, avoid any lame processed foods as your monochoice, as that is completely impossible, even if you don’t know why.

Trending Up: Tiny Food

Supershrink me!
Supershrink me!

Many of our recommended trends are naturally grandiose and full of noticeable flair. Not so with this up-and-comer. It’s all about subtlety and miniature modesty. It begins with you reading this article with studious interest and ends with you hosting an amazing hipster dinner party. After all, you haven’t thrown one since your coconut oil fiasco, so your friends will be chomping at the bit. In addition to this article I recommend picking up “Tiny Food Party!: Bite-Size Recipes for Miniature Meals” and reading it on some sort of public transportation.

First up, you’re going to need to make a trip to the farmers market (you already go there daily anyway). Don’t be distracted by the big beautiful local organic free-range cruelty-free fruits and veggies. You’re looking for only the littlest and cutest of the offerings. I suggest starting with a classic tiny food staple: baby corn. Everyone’s going to expect it so you might as well not let them down and it’s not as gauche as cocktail weenies. Proceed to fill your smallish free-cycled coffee bag with all sorts of tiny. Baby bok choy, baby carrots, baby zucchini, baby turnips, baby grapes, baby apples … you get the idea. Definitely get some shallots so you can make microscopic onion rings. Melt my heart, that will be darling.

Next up, animal products. Look, I realize that boss-level hipsters are all vegans and/or freegans, but many of your friends are scattered across the established hipster spectrum. Lots of them eat meat, but only if it’s ethically-raised free-range cruelty-free organic non-injected happy meat from a local farmstead that offers a free gym membership to the animals. Anyways, you’re gonna need some tiny cuts of meat. Everyone’s mind automatically jumps to baby back ribs because of Chili’s and Austin Powers 2, so we’re not going that route. Heck, just get a nice 10oz sirloin with good marbling and cut it into 37 tiny steaks. After that you’re definitely going to need some cage-free quail eggs. Wait. Quail eggs are gigantic. You’re gonna need hummingbird eggs. I’m not sure how we’re going to pull this one off. Heading to google … okay I’m back, first and foremost, holy smokes these things are adorable. It turns out that this is pretty easy. You just need to find a hummingbird nest with freshly laid eggs and take them. No problem! Beware though, it looks like the little bastards are pretty defensive. Don some sort of protective head cover when you harvest the eggs. In the event that you don’t own a beekeeping mask (which you should if you’re reading this) maybe you can up-cycle a bucket, don’t forget the eye holes. Pop the itty-bitty gems into your handcrafted danish modern tiny egg carton and off you go. Don’t worry, the momma bird will lay new eggs in a matter of days and all of this is totally free-range! As a bonus, you’re also foraging now (awesome), but that’s another trend for another day. While we’re foraging, another idea is rather than an enormous lobster tail, prep-up single crayfish tails for each plate. Don’t use a trap to procure them, catch them individually by hand. Your guests will marvel at your attention to detail.

Hand caught crayfish with nickle for proportions. It was delicious.
Crayfish, hand-caught by the author and niece Liv with nickel for scale. Yes, we really did this.

Now that your ingredients are assembled, and assuming your eyes weren’t feverishly eviscerated by angry hummingbirds, you’re ready for the big day. Dive deep into the theme by sending out tiny invites to your friends. Have the table set with dollhouse plates and tiny cutlery for at least ten solid hipster guests and make sure there is a tiny guide that details each course. In this guide you can’t use the words “gluten-free” enough. I don’t know what gluten is (something with wheat I think), but I do know that hipsters don’t want to eat it or even be in the same room with it. Hell, gluten is like hipster kryptonite. But I digress. Cooking time should be limited to a matter of seconds as the thermal mass of each item is so miniscule. Be careful not to overcook the steaks by searing them longer than 2-3 seconds per side. Also, watch those hummingbird eggs, they are properly poached the instant they hit boiling water. Season with extra small salt crystals and ultra-fine ground pepper (details, people). Garnish each plate with a single oregano leaf. As you nibble (never bite) go into detail about the health benefits of scaling down portion sizes and the unfortunate obesity epidemic in America. In addition to ungodly amounts of GMO corn syrup being injected into everything we consume, you’ll get to blame it on gluten, which your guests will love. Later on, at the after-party (hipsters LIVE for after-parties), while you are sip-chugging craft pico-brews from super tiny red plastic cups (if they give you any guff about plastic, tell them there’s a Low song about plastic cups so they can STFU) look upon your assembled hipster acolytes, stroke your beard, and proudly proclaim “micro-foods naturally have more micro-nutrients.” They can’t argue with that logic, even if they don’t know why.

Sharp: Eating with a dagger

This guy, because I couldn't find a picture of anyone eating with a dagger, that's how NOW this is
This guy, because I couldn’t find a picture of anyone eating with a dagger, that’s how NOW this is

Looking for a new gastronomic utensil trend to show everybody just what’s on the plate for the next hipster trend? Toss the forks, spoons, sporks, and chopsticks and reach for a Knight’s dress dagger. You’ll be the talk of the vegan bistro as you unsheathe your ancient cutlery and and literally go medieval on that tofu!

“This is the way that people ate for centuries,” you can remark snidely as your hipster friends look you up and down with astonishment. For extra effect, after you finish your coconut medallions, reach into your retro neon fanny pack, pull out a whetstone, and begin honing your blade. Make sure it’s razor sharp before moving on to your amaranth and quinoa casserole.

When the meal is complete, wipe the blade clean with your fine red silk pocket square, and hold your dagger aloft, as if you’ve just brought forth the sword from the stone. Play with the light in the room and be sure that everyone catches a glimmer of brilliant illumination. Resheathe your only utensil smugly and wait for the gushing compliments to pour in. You’re the sharpest hipster out there, with your scythe, back axe, and now dagger. You’re welcome.

Scaling up: Urban fishing

This could be you! (without the frat boy bent hat brim)

Sure, Babe Winkleman made inland sportfishing McDonald’s apple pie-hot back in the 80’s, and popularity of reeling in a walleye or two hasn’t really diminished for the normals. Hipsters have more classically been into flyfishing for trout as it doesn’t involve boats, motors, modern technology, or ease-of-experience. But let’s face it, everybody has caught a few rainbows and most have even adopted referring to them as just “bows” they are so commonplace and pedestrian. So what can you do to breath fresh air into the lungs, er … gills of a classic like fishing? URBAN fishing, of course!

Don’t just click wildly on amazon for a rod and reel combo. You should consider fashioning your own with reclaimed bamboo or cherry. In a pinch you could up-cycle a weave of old metal hangers to form a springy yet sensitive fishing instrument. As for other gear you’ll definitely need a classic split willow creel, some hip waders (haha “hip”), and a good fishing hat (see our infographic on hat ranking here).

Once you have all the essentials, hop on the bus and head for the pristine waters of the fountain in front of Bank of America. The normals walking hurriedly on the sidewalk to their empty, soul-crushing jobs will be gobsmacked when they see your full ensemble and wonder if you’re really about to cast a hand-tied elk hair caddis fly into the koi pond. Oh hell yes you are! Don’t just wing it out there like one of those bassmaster a-holes. Exercise the discipline to execute a perfect Japanese mountain stream tenkara cast. Within seconds the koi will hammer your fly due to the fact that they are conditioned to surface feed by the dude who tosses them their food every day. Try to schedule your outing about an hour before feeding time, the fish will be ripe for the catching! Once you hook your first koi don’t just reel it in willy-nilly, really make a show out of it. Let your drag scream as the obese goldfish runs on you time and time again. Eventually it will tire. Wet your hands before netting and handling the beauty if you intend to release it back into the wild of the Bank of America fountain. Ask a random to take a snapshot of you and your quarry with your polaroid camera. In the event that you catch a trophy decorative carp, forget the taxidermy. Take some of your always-at-hand cuddlefish ink and immortalize your achievement with a Japanese ink press of the fish’s form. Wow your friends for decades as you show them the Gyotaku from that day.

Pescetarianism is only one notch down from the zenith of hipster diets (veganism), so if you’re hungry don’t be afraid to prepare yourself a quick little shore lunch. First you’ll need to fillet the koi, find a sturdy cutting surface. Any city bench will do, but for maximum visibility I’d recommend the bus stop bench. Unsheathe your daggger and get gutting! Try not to be distracted by the normals asking you what the hell you’re doing. You need to maintain composure and a steady hand to remove the y-bones. As you work, cut a couple of smaller morsels and offer the onlookers some fresh sushi. Most of them will scoff at the idea, but be sure to exchange contact information with any hipsters who are daring (and awesome) enough to take you up on the offer. Once your fillets are ready for cooking, season them liberally with a blend of local spices that you’ve hand-foraged. After that, all that’s left to do is slow steam them over the sidewalk grate of your choosing (avoid the sewage ones). As you dine on the succulent meat, gaze upon the fountain that was the source of your sustenance. You’ll be the hipster catch of the day if you play this one right, get out there and get casting!

Trending Up: Braunschweiger

I really took this at a symphony event
I really took this at a symphony event

This trend anomaly flies in the face of the current so-popular-its-OVER! status of organ meats in general. Hipsters are violently opposed to most offal as a matter of course, but patrilineal connections run too deep to sever ties with the perfection in pink that is your mainstream liverwurst. The primary attraction is, of course, it’s malleability. Prized for it’s pliant consistency and succulent aftertaste, when you whip out several moist chunks rendered to function as RPG dice at the GameCon and proceed to roll a critical hit on the cobalt dragon about to breath weapon your cleric, you’ll really turn some heads and wet some appetites. Spread them on hard-tack crackers while the dungeon master totals your experience points.

You can continue to impress your gaming party by discussing how artisanal German schweiger meisters confidently pack smoked pig livers into fibrous casings and, tying them off with a kurt flourish, slice them apart, one at a time, so they plop into special Leberwurst Warenkorb for delivery.

A rich source of iron and vitamin A, this is the stout Teutonic cousin of the creamier, and French, pâté. Whislt quaffing ales waiting to be hired for the next attempt to breach The Hidden Shrine of Tamoachan, you can recount your visit ( actually just the web site) to Stryhn’s Leverpostej on Amager isle, south of Copenhagen. Eat the last disc off the tip of your tantō and they will soil their armor like brave Sir Robin.

Heating Up: MREs


Remember back when you first decided to go vegan? It seemed like a great idea at the time, but you didn’t realize how much work it would turn out to be. Shopping daily for fresh vegetables, researching and exchanging recipes, endlessly peeling and chopping. All of it had you domesticated halfway to the suburbs. And in the end, what did you get out of it? Hunger pangs and a mildly satisfying nutloaf.

That experiment had nothing on your brief flirtation with freeganism, though. Don’t get us wrong, we know that the whole concept sounded fantastic. “Screw commerce, I live off the land,” you said, gesturing with a lit gutterbutt toward the garbage containers behind some questionable Thai restaurant. “The hunter-gatherers didn’t need a frickin’ debit card in order to satisfy the most basic necessity of life. Their career was finding food where it naturally grew. Well, I’m the urban version of that, the authentic extension of a longstanding tradition.” That was about a week before the roundworms took hold in your lower GI tract. The more cynical of us noticed you didn’t Dumpster dive for vermifuge, but nobody blamed you for a second.

You’ll notice that thus far, your dietary adventures have fallen prey to two problems: effort and spoilage. Well, we’re here to tell you how to conquer those enemies with one amazing piece of gastronomical technology. Friend, you’ve got to go MRE.

Meals, Ready to Eat are a staple for American soldiers fighting in foreign territories, and they’re quickly becoming a staple for American hipsters living in gentrified ghettos. Let’s face it, cooking is for Rachael Ray. Complicated dietary restrictions are for overprotective moms. Let the normals try to turn spaghetti squash into spaghetti. Meanwhile, you’ll just roll home from band practice, dump some water in a plastic pouch, insert the chemical heating pack along with the tri-laminate retort pouch containing your food, and wait a few minutes. Boom, you’re eating Country Captain Chicken and Buttered Noodles just like our troops.

You can jam these things in your backpack, your retro neon green fanny pack, or hell, even under your seatbelt that you’ve fashioned into an actual belt if you’re in a pinch. They’re pretty much indestructible. Like your hipness.

Scorching MetaTrend: Anything Old Timey

bridge club
farting dust is all the rage

We here at NHT sometimes like to step back and try and spot the trends in our trends, it gets us all scotch-bonnet hot when we are able to see a major trend influencer from the 30,000 foot level because we’re so often in the trend trench, mustache wax under our finger nails, that we miss the big picture. For quite some time we’ve been talking about this serious meta-trend from many different angles. Music, Books, Food and even sun glasses that might fit over other glasses, we’ve seen how things that your grandpa and grandma did or liked are a central component in many hipster trends. Hipters want to be just like really old people, even though they’ll never hire them for jobs they might be well qualified for, but they want to look and act just like them. Is it a harkening back to simpler times or is it a total lack of original thoughts and ideas? As we all know, it’s probably both. Yes hipsters love nothing more than buttoning on the suspenders, starching the collar and heading out to folk dance in the community center, it makes them feel like they’re in the TV shows they grew up with. And that’s OK, because remember, the gods gave us television to show us how we should want to live and if hipsters want it to be the Hallmark channel, that’s just “Honkey Dorey.” Awareness of this really hit me last weekend when I was invited to become part of a weekly bridge club. Now remember, being invited to any kind of single themed “club” that meets at someone’s home or apartment is the highest honor a hipster can bestow on anyone. It started with books and knitting but now, hipsters being the eternal seekers, it’s moved into artisinal pastimes like pickling and candle making. While there are many examples of how to adopt old timey ways, we’re going to focus on the ancient realm of geriatric table games.

To be clear, this does NOT include board games, especially ones involving miniatures or small cardboard “chits.” Games like Settlers of Catan, Stratego, Power Grid or any of the Avalon Hill series of bookshelf games are so proto hip that they too far out on the hipster horizon for any but the most advanced bleeding edge hipsters, leave these to the Nerdsters for a bit longer, but keep your eyes on this soon to be emerging trend.

If you want to really ride the Oldey train, which is steam powered of course, it’s time to hit the deck, the card deck that is. Nothing has the dusty reek of times gone-by like any of the Whist based games like Wendellhead, Tarneeb and Contract Bridge. If you haven’t been so lucky, like me, to have been invited to an already existing card coven of bridge playing hipsters, you’ll have to get one going yourself. This is good, because this will give you a chance to prepare in advance and do some self promotion, you will love this. Advertise with a poster, hand screened of course, designed by your graphic designer friend. Have the little tear off parts of the poster take interested hipsters to a blog you’ve already made to post images and scores and crap. Next require that all players in your uber-exclusive bridge club, called the “Tricksters” read Hoyle’s “A Short Treatise on the Game of Whist.” It was published in 1743, if that isn’t Olde Timney-ey enough to be impressive, your friends are not hipsters, they’re D&D players. Get as far away from those loser nerds as possible. Now, you wont be playing Whist, so just claim that they have to “understand our roots.” The most important item of a good bridge game night is the table. It’s got to smell like your grandma. The next time you’re at an estate sale, which is like every Sunday morning, find the moldiest smelling folding table and chairs you can. It’s got to smell like cologne from the 50’s. Wrap it in plastic so the moment you pull it out at Bridge club night it sends a waft of stale baby powder and Milk of Magnesia at your assembled gamers. And so, your adventure into the hipster dementia domain begins. Don’t forget to make everyone drink piping hot really weak coffee. Enjoy, you’ll be here for years … and years.