Right AGAIN!

We pegged this one back in May of 2013 with our insightful expose on Scything your Lawn. As you can see from the google trends report in the article, lawn scything has since flat-lined.  Good, and also easily predictable.  Why cut plants?  Murderers.  It’s better to craft a sustainable pollinator habitat or a permicultural edible landscape.  Duh.

Dialing up: No-phoning

Which one of you wants to carry a message to Flora at the artisan coffee shop?
Which one of you wants to carry a message to Flora at the artisan coffee shop?

“I don’t own a phone” you’ll remark coldly when that one barista named Flora finally asks you for your number. At first she’ll cock her head in slight confusion. She’ll quickly try to hide any lack of understanding and say “I get it.” You’ll nod in the affirmative as you gaze longingly out of the artisan coffee shop window and deliver the line that makes it all worth it: “I just feel like we all need to unplug.”

No-phoning is a very new trend that will never reach a high level of popularity, which is perfect. Additionally, not having a phone will enable you to explore other unique and envy-worthy communication techniques. You can try your hand at breeding and training homing pigeons. This is a classic example on how to multi-trend because telling people that you’re a pigeon fancier is Chernobyl-hot right now. Imagine the wonderment in Flora’s baby blue eyes when she receives her first pigeon-gram… you asking her out to see a private screening of an obscure silent film in your friend Theo’s basement that he has converted into a 1910-era moving picture theater.

String up some telegraph wires between local hotspots like the artisan coffee shop and that old book store that people stand around in front of. You can send coded messages that will require your friends Ike and Matilda to use a WWII Enigma machine to decode. After spending a solid 7 minutes of turning rotors and typing on something called a plugboard (awesome) they will receive your message: “Heading to the old book store that people stand around in front of, see you in about 7 minutes.” Just as they finish reading the message you will ride up on your Honda Hobbit and bask in hipster stardom.

Hot: Scything your lawn

hipsterscytheAccording to treehugger.com, gas-powered lawn mowers put out as much smog as 40 cars. I don’t know if that’s true or not but I will tell you that it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not and that it’s a great thing for you to say to people when they ask you what the hell you’re doing in your yard. What are you doing? You’re scything of course! For a long time hipsters have been using old fashioned reel mowers because they feel all old-timey and remind people of the days of Dennis the Menace. But everyone has heard of reel mowers being used again, and there’s even advanced hipsters who bike mow. Reel mowers are OVER!

So if you insist on having a yard rather than an organic edible permaculture landscape, there’s only one way to cut the grass… a scythe! Be sure to select a handmade scythe, preferably by a local artisan. Remember that when working with a scythe there is about a 40% chance of accidental decapitation. That’s the cost of being hip… totally worth it! Try to pick times of the day where people are most likely to see you working, and will ask you what you’re doing. Then you can talk for 20 to 30 minutes about “how fragile our planet really is,” and how you’re “leading by example.” Also, be sure to pick up a few books on hand tools and try to get people to ask you what you’re reading. I suggest Hand Tools: Their Ways and Workings

 

UDPATE 12-08-16 : This IS a thing