Hear Ye to Stay: Town-Criering

towncrier3asAs hipsters well know, teh social mediaz are the dominant way to get messages out these days. Well, before the facebooks and the twitterverse and the google+ and instagrams and the tumblrs how did people feed their narcissistic needs? You got it, by Town Criering. Originally officers of the court, tasked with making legal announcements to the mostly illiterate townsfolk, the town crier was an essential part of daily life. Also called a “bellman” (do not make the mistake of EVER asking a crier to haul your bags to your room, nothing hurts more than getting clocked with a brass handbell.) Town criers strode up and down the streets of the town announcing all manner of news, advertisements, market days and such.

In the German town of Goslar, the crier informed the citizens to refrain from using the local river as a bathroom on days when the brewery was collecting water for the local beer.

 Kinda makes your piddly job in analytics seem trivial now doesn’t it? Town criering is the ultimate in social media throwback, so retro that no one else on pintrest has even thought of it yet, perfect. Pursuing town criering NOW will give you a chance to draw several breaking hipster trends into one obscure and noticeable activity, you’ll love this.

First and foremost, a good town crier needs a bell. Of course no ordinary bell will do, walking around tinkling some anemic peace chimes or yoga harmony jingles will only undermine the importance of what you’re criering. You need a solid bell of note and nothing says PAY ATTENTION like a Schulmerich. They claim to be “the world’s largest and oldest existing manufacturer of handbells in the United States.” This is a perfectly ironic and confusing, and all we know is that, swinging that bright brass monster in the crisp dawn light, you’ll be the envy of all your hand-bell choir hipster friends. Next, the always important attire. A Tricorne hat (which we are emphatically stating will be THE next hipster hat), knickers and possible Ben Franklin glasses, holy hell this is epic hipster gold in the making! Why didn’t we think of this before!?

Once you’re all rigged up, the next thing is to get out there and do it! If you live in close proximity to other hipsters, we suggest the ol’ crack-o-dawn strategy. After a late night of drinking endless craft ciders and listening to high decibel circuit bent experimental electronica, nothing says “hi how are ya” like standing in the courtyard of the old button factory (now hipster condos) and stoutly ringing a huge hand bell reading hashtags from twitter and facebook. The classic town crier call starts with “OYEZ, OYEZ!” Then launch into a 37 minute regurgitation of everyone’s most self-obsessed postings from the night before. Use the most olde-englishy type accent you can muster.

“OYEZ! OYEZ!”
*KLANG KLANG*
“MISTER THEO SAYS ON YE OLDE TWIITER ..”
*KLANG KLANG*
“..OUCH, MY HEAD DOTH HURT AS A SPLIT MELLON DROPPED ON THE WARF! OMG HASHTAG TIED-ONE_ON! HASHTAG THEOPROBLEMZ!”
*KLANG KLANG*

Remember, you have big shoes to fill, modern town criers hold the Guinness world records for the loudest humans, reaching 114 decibels so step it up! You’ll have lots of new admirers and after a week of doing this, maybe … just maybe they’ll all start to think twice before posting needless dribble.

Crazy hot: Vaugebooking

You don't know what I'm posting about, and I love it!
You don’t know what I’m posting about, and I love it!

Being vague has been a solid hipster activity since the first hipsters emerged from their free-range alpaca yarn cocoons. Hipsters love making people think, especially if it’s about them. “Why is she wearing that tent? Why is he scything his lawn? Why would anyone shave their eyebrows?” The answer why is because you’re asking why. Now, I get it, Facebook is normally WAY too mainstream for elite hipsters, if they do have an account it’s only to be ironic, to update everyone on their crossfit endeavors, or to post haikus and pictures of all the weird stuff their eating. Oxtail soup, check. But let’s face it, the opportunity to be vague is just too much to pass up on. So if you’ve managed to hold out on getting a Facebook account as long as you’ve managed to not see “Titanic” it’s probably time to “sell out” and do both. Besides, selling out is trending up.

Alright, on to vaguebooking. There’s not too much to it really, just login to Facebook and post something vague that makes people concerned and ask follow-up questions that you completely ignore for several hours or possibly even a day. I’ll provide a few examples to get you started:

1) overwhelmed

It’s one word, it’s vague as hell, it’s concerning. That makes it just about perfect for your first vague status update. Note the lack of capitalization and punctuation. People will assume you’re really hurting to not care about either. Perfect. It will no doubt incite all sorts of concerned replies, which you’ll love. “Wat’s wrong hunny?” Kelly from high school will immediately reply. DO NOT RESPOND, hold out for at least six other people to ask you just what the hell you’re talking about and/or offer support. “Message me” your best friend Theo will post, even though you’re presently sitting across from each other at the artisan coffee shop. Several other empathetic posts will follow. After 6-8 hours interest will have died down. Come back with something trivial and slightly more specific, maybe something like “world’s are colliding.” You don’t have to know what you mean. In fact the best vaguebookers never do.

2) hospital

This one is a classic and an easy way to rack up all sorts of attention. Again, we’re going with one word, no punctuation or capitalization. The best part is obvious, where you are … you’re in the freaking hospital! Why? Are you okay? Who knows! (you do, only you) Fortunately most hospitals have free wi-fi so you can read (NEVER RESPOND) concerned posts as you wait for your routine checkup. You know what people are going to say to this one, and it’s going to be so rad! “What happened, are you okay!?” your fellow barista Ike will inquire. It’s also good at this point to have a few really close friends who know more about the situation say something equally vague, “it will be over before you know it” would be the perfect double-vauge from a bff of yours like Matilda. It demonstrates to everyone that you’re closer to her and have shared whatever you’re in the hospital for. It will cause a slight feeling of jealousy and desire to know more about you. Perfect. Bonus points on this one if you post from the actual emergency room or on your way. You can even go as pedestrian as “ON MY WAY TO THE E.R!” Save this one for a rainy day when you really could use a shower of support of your concerned friends.

3) wronggirl

Ooooh, this one is juicy! So many questions! Who is he? What did he do? What kind of revenge scheme are you hatching? This is another good one to have a close friend double-vague something along the lines of “don’t worry, he’ll get his.” Classic stuff. Of course you can never reveal just what the hell it is you’re talking about, but that makes it all the more interesting and annoying.

Alright those should be enough to help guide you into the marvelous world of vaguebooking. Remember to never fully disclose what’s going on and to make it sound as dramatic and scary as possible. It’s perfectly fine to make people wonder if you’re about to jump from the 50th floor of a highrise in Detroit and completely ignore their pleas to save you for hours. It will create a sense of mental attachment to you and your plight and make them all appreciate you more when you post one of those artsy looking away selfies or a picture of your vegan lima bean chopstick-only lunch in the middle of the day next Wednesday.