Chanting “SITTING IS THE NEW SMOKING”, how many of your co-workers have recently limped into the facilities office and demanded a rising desk platform? Yes, the never ending quest for health and productivity has brought the modern workplace many new and exciting ergonomic distractions, all the while fluffing the budget of HR department “wellness” programs beyond reason and expectation. Ever since Bernardino Ramazinni ‘s riveting 1713 CE read “De Morbis Artificum,” workers have seized on any opportunity to complain about how they get paid. In the beige morass of today’s cubicle culture the balance ball seemed to offer a modicum of respite, until that time it careened out from under Cindy as she simultaneously “worked her core” and her expense reports. That thing hit Tad across the room like a beach ball at a spring break riot. He’ll never be the same, not to mention Cindy’s fractured coccyx. Skipping over the variable desk height craze mentioned above, the latest hawt trend is the pedal desk and it’s inane variants.
Starting with attaching pedals under a single desk, this human hamster wheel has now morphed into treadmill desks and pedal encrusted meeting tables which generate electricity, how convenient for the company owner’s electrical bill. So, as you glance across the “effort-loft” and see the multitudes of social media engineers bobbing up and down in their chairs you silently scowl as you realize that somehow this has to go to the HAWTNEXT level, and it’s up to you.
HOW2HAWT: With sitting, standing, running, and biking already taken by the normals, there is only one clear choice left. Go Prone or Go Home (and not to work from there). Once the sole occupational domain of sex workers and snipers, prone-ductivity™ for everyone has arrived! While, as appealing as it sounds to march into facilities like all the other wimps and demand some form of cubicle accommodation, we suggest that in the short term you DIY this. You’ll need a couple of heavy duty step ladders and a metric crap-ton of bungees. Imagine the glazed stares of confusion as you stride into the cubicle jungle and begin to rig this up. There will be muffled murmurs, there will be whispered rumoring between their pedal panting paper pushing and treadmilled search engine optimization. Setting up the ladders to form a triangular tunnel in front of your computer, begin to harness yourself in bungee after bungee until you are floating in mid air. If you dare, and you do, go full on Richard Harris in “A Man Called Horse” for the final bit as a testament to work-life balance. Then, with a resounding crack of your knuckles, and lay into that email campaign. You’re finally laying down on the job now, and that’s HAWT!